Tao of cocoa complete collection. Funny stories about Sri Yaputra

Instead of a preface

vidya-vinaya-sampanne
brahmane gavi hastini
shuni chaiva shvapake cha
panditah sama-darsinah

Possessing true knowledge, the humble sage looks equally upon the learned and the noble Brahmana, the cow, the elephant, the dog and the dog-eater.
(Krishna, Bhagavad-gita (5.18))

One palm clap

Teacher Chhishvabrashvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
- What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face.
- Not entirely true, Yaputra, but you did it without thinking, without using your mind, which means you have comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here!
Thus Sri Yaputra became a Teacher.

Tao-Cocoa

Sri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Teachers of Tao were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They had been arguing about something for the second week.
“Gee...,” said Teacher Kao-jin.
“Go crazy...” objected Teacher Raphrishnsh-vutra.
“If what you say is Tao, then I guess I’ll go...” Yaputra said and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

Life is perfect

Teacher Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful!
But then the butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
After thinking, Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit!
The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonate for nothing.

Like leaves on a tree

When we want to calm down, we look at a tree. How perfect it is. How harmoniously all its leaves are arranged on it. How they rustle in the wind.
Catkins on linden trees and weeping willows make you hold your breath with admiration.
Children come up to the tree, pick off earrings and leaves, scatter them in the wind and they fly, fluttering, to fall somewhere on the ground and sprout into a new tree.
So we, all people, are like these leaves on a tree. We live and live until we dry up and fall. Or until the hands of providence tear us away. Or until our tree is cut down. And just like that, there are dogs ready to piss on our tree.

The Perfect Man

When Yaputra was a student, he and the Master went on daily walks in search of manifestations of Zen. Teacher Chkhishvabrashvan told stories:
The eternal Phoenix bird flew over the owl. The owl was eating a decomposed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take its prey away from it, hugged the rat to itself with all its might. Little did she know that Phoenix didn't care about a decomposed rat!
“You know what, Teacher, could you do without all sorts of decomposed rats and other fucking shit in your stories, by golly, it’s unpleasant to listen to...” Yaputra admitted.
- You are a weirdo, Yaputra! - Chhishvabrashvan noted without any ulterior motive.
Yaputra was offended.
- You shouldn't be offended, Yaputra. In Zen, a weirdo is a sage! - the Teacher reassured.
“Yes, I fucked your Zen...” grumbled Sri Yaputra.

At the battery

What is the battery in summer? This is, in fact, an unnecessary and useless item. It warms, warms, heats up. Residents of apartments curse the housing office. After all, it’s already hot. What about the battery in winter? The battery in winter is a completely different matter. The battery in winter is the heart of the apartment, the focus of the residents’ desires. So don't look at things one-sidedly. It’s better to take a place near the battery in advance. And kick anyone who comes up to you.

Draw the legs of the snake

The disciples once asked Teacher Yaputra: Teacher, your parables are difficult to understand! Often your words just sound like a funeral!
The burial is a true compliment to my parables. They don’t fit in the mind, and this is the main thing! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself don’t understand what I’m singing... You should be able to draw the legs of a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what is realized! - the Teacher became angry.
Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students actually went crazy (meditated).

Step on your foot (leader)

Teacher Sri Yaputra instructed his students:
- If you step on the foot of a random passerby, you apologize profusely. If you are a friend, apologize, but less. If it’s a relative, don’t apologize at all!
- What if I step on your foot, Teacher? - asked the student.
- You'll get fucked! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the Tao masters say that a leader is always an idiot! You are our leader, aren't you?! - the persistent student did not let up.
- You'll definitely get it from me, your mother! - concluded Sri Yaputra.

Shooter

Once upon a time there was an excellent shooter. Hit a coin a kilometer away. The king arranged a shooting competition. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid he missed - his head off his shoulders. The shooter pulled the bowstring, but from excitement he became blind, his hands were shaking... He released the arrow. The arrow flew straight to the king's head.
- Like fucking a pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and gave the shooter 2 bags of gold.

Mute (headless)

When Yaputra was a student, he once entered the room of Teacher Chhishvabrashvan and saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting opposite a man who was eating in silence.
- What are you doing, Teacher? - asked Sri Yaputra.
“I’m talking to a dumb person...” answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, a scribe... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! - added the Teacher.
“It’s obvious, damn it...” Yaputra said casually and left the room.

Sublime laziness

The disciples sat and thought about the staff. And then they saw Teacher Yaputra, who was walking down the street cheerfully singing a song: hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The students were quite surprised and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- True joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.
It became obvious that the Teacher was a big deal. Only here were the students able to understand the meaning of the phrase spoken by the Teacher the day before: Just give way! - If you want to be an alcoholic, be one!

Teacher

Teacher Chhishvabrashvan sat and meditated near the fence. He painted hieroglyphs of peace and humility with a soft brush. But then the owner of the fence came out - Russian by nationality. He didn’t understand the hieroglyphs and asked: Why the hell did you shit up my entire fence? And he hit the Teacher over the head with a shovel.
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said: Truly, speak to people in an understandable language! After this, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he emerged 5 years later enlightened.

2 monks

2 monks walked along the road. Both were quite hungry. Suddenly one of them noticed a stick lying by the road.
- Let's eat this stick! - he suggested.
- She’s not edible at all! - said the second monk.
- How do you know without trying? - asked the monk and bit the stick. All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- There's no point in trying everything to find out! - said the second monk and kicked the first one in the groin area.

When the boots don't feel tight

Pyuan had very tight shoes. Pyuan was in great pain; he could not throw away his shoes because he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Teacher Yaputra came and broke both of Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was short, and the boots came at the right time for him.
Pyuan spent six months in the hospital and, upon leaving, came to the teacher and bowed as a sign of gratitude, somehow saving his life by saving him from his shoes.
The teacher sent him to hell with angry abuse, because he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his shoes. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

Straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a student. Teacher Chhishvabrashvan said:
- Remember, Yaputra, the straight tree is always cut down first. Be like the crooked one!
- So that’s why you’re such a dump! - Yaputra shouted, confusing the Teacher.

Jumped around

Teacher Chhishvabrashvan argued with his former student Yaputra about the illusory nature of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! - Chhishvabrashvan ranted.
- Oh, so no?! - Sri Yaputra said thoughtfully and turned Chhishvabrashvan with a chair, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra's Once again outdid his former teacher.

Nobody knows who is old and who is young

You older than me! - the old woman said to the old man. The old man was silent.
- You are older than me, old snag! - the old woman was indignant. The old man didn't make a sound.
- I was born on the 23rd year, and you were born on the 20th! - she was already squealing.
The old man silently took out his passport and showed his date of birth - 29. The old woman stung herself.

Watch

The monk became enlightened. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
But Yaputra passed by his room in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And he accidentally walked into the monk’s room. After taking a nap, Yaputra wound up the watch and the clock started running again. And the monk became again normal person. And he kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

Deer

The hunter was walking through the forest and he had only one cartridge left. He hadn't gotten anything all day and was pretty exhausted. Suddenly he saw something that resembled a deer lying on the ground - or was it just a stump? He decided to come closer. This thing still resembled a bizarre tree. The hunter was shortsighted. Coming close, the hunter touched this object with the butt of his gun. The elk woke up and pierced the hunter right through with his antlers. He smiled and dreamily whispered:
- Get close to the deer and you won’t go wrong!

A path without a path

Sri Yaputra was crossing the road, singing a song:
There is neither death nor birth
No morals and foundations
Deep wrinkles on the face
Nothing more than the scars of life...
A policeman approached him and asked:
-What are you singing about, Teacher?
Sri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, for there is nothing more beautiful than returning to where we were before birth...
- So that’s why you cross the street at a red light and aren’t afraid that a car will hit you?! But you still have to pay the fine! - said the policeman.

Zendo Master

One day, an arrogant zendo master appeared in town. He damnedly cursed Sri Yaputra and assured that he would knock his arrogance down. He was truly an excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery pillar of energy. And such a master challenged Yaputra.
Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, but then decided: As a last resort, I’ll give up! and accepted the challenge.
As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway on the spot and gradually disappeared into the air, then turned into a pillar of fire. Shri Yaputra's forehead became covered with cold sweat and he prayed:
- I give up!
The zendo master again took on human form and, smiling maliciously, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Sri Yaputra gave him a row of shafts. The zendo master passed out.

Spikelets

A strange ragamuffin was jumping across the field, collecting the ears of corn left by the reapers.
Sri Yaputra was walking past this very field at that time and seeing this picture he said to his disciples:
- Go and ask this fucking scarecrow what it is jumping across the field!
The disciple went and forcibly brought the old man.
-Are you, old man, enlightened? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Cocoa? Are you happy? - Bhagwan Sri Yaputra and his disciples approached the old man with questions.
- Yes, I was a Taoist-Kakaos and spent my whole life waiting for enlightenment. I did not acquire wealth, I did not debauch and did not indulge in gluttony. And now because of this I, like the last beggar, run across the field... - answered the old man.
- But are you still happy? You have lived to see such gray hairs... - Yaputra admonished.
- What the hell are gray hairs? I'm 42 years old and already an old man! - the old man squealed and turned to Yaputra's students, - Students, before it's too late, get off this Tao-Cocoa path to the ridges, otherwise you will repeat my shitty fate!
- You're fucking crazy, old man! - Yaputra cried and hit the old man with his staff.
Yaputra and the disciples walked further, but the disciples were deep in thought about something.

Funeral

The funeral of a famous Zen master named Yongrot was underway. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a drunken Sri Yaputra appeared with an accordion and began yelling obscene ditties. After that, he stuck chewing gum on the deceased’s forehead and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he kicked and lamented:
- Balaboli! Down with conventions!

3 treasures

The merchant Rbrbr once approached the teacher Yaputra and, wanting to test him, asked:
- Teacher, tell me, which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- You're a bullshit, the main thing is your heads! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbrbra and asked him to borrow money.

Don't be overjoyed

The disciples approached Sri Yaputra and asked:
- Teacher, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But, we heard, it is incredibly harmful. And when we come out of delight, we feel fucking disgusting: everything is gray and miserable...
- Don't be overjoyed! - Yaputra muttered, looking into the distance with glassy eyes.

American priest

Sri Yaputra was meditating. Coming out, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest drank whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and fucked prostitutes. He always went to the toilet with Sri Yaputra’s books, and apparently he didn’t read them there - they were becoming thinner and thinner.
She’s wiping her ass, such a bitch... - Yaputra thought and knocked on the priest’s door, supposedly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such specific dyules that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa without bullshit.

The man who fed the monkeys

Arriving at the monkeys, Sri Yaputra told them:
- Well, you fucking macaques, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 in the evening, or vice versa!
- Let’s get 7 kilos straight away! - the monkeys screamed.
- Fuck you bald! - Yaputra said and did not give anything to the impudent monkeys.
He got high and ate everything.

Fast

There was a fast, and Sri Yaputra was eating cutlets on both cheeks. The students looked at him with bewildered astonishment and finally could not stand it:
- Teacher, it’s fasting, isn’t it?! Figley?!
- Come on, go to the monks! - Yaputra muttered with his mouth full.
Yaputra burped, farted, hiccupped, and made me vomit, but the students endured it without fuss, for even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment in such a way that it would scratch my sandals.

Memory

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Teacher Chhishvabrasvanu. They argued for a while, gossiped, told jokes, blew buds.
It was late afternoon.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! - Yaputra sighed politely.
- So how?! This is my home! - Chkhishvabrashvan was surprised.
- Have you gone completely crazy?! Rake away, you old thing! - Yaputra cried and drove out Chhishvabrashvan. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

Dance (no water, no moon)

Once again Yaputra was drunk. He was at a disco, where he was rowdy and twitched like a clown. People were joking. Then he, shouting over the music, told everyone:
- My twitching is the dance of the soul! Your dance is a set of dead movements! I want to be alone and jerk off! Get the fuck out of here!
With these words, he threw his shoe out the window and hit the guard in the liver with an awl. When he woke up in the bullpen, he realized that they were trying to lock him up. But he knew that it was impossible to lock up the Teacher. He thought: One thing is crap - there is no water here, there is no moon here... But there is a place to jerk off.

Instead of an afterword

On that terrifying river of the Battlefield of Kurukshetra, Which the Pandavas victoriously crossed, Bhishma and Drona Were like high banks, Jayadratha like the river water, the King of Gandhara like the blue water lily, Shalya like the shark, Krpa like the current, Karna like the mighty waves, Ashwatthama and Vikarna - Terrible crocodiles, And Duryodhama - a whirlpool.
(an excerpt also from some kind of Krishna crap)
To clear the cup of your brain after reading The Joy of the Blind Monkey Who Cries, you are invited to meditate as a little one. To do this, you must recite the following mantra out loud 500 times: fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.
The teaching of Tao-Cocoa is perfect, because there is no niren!!!

Sri Yaputra(ind. श्री यपुत्र) - a collective image of an eastern sage, a Zen master. The character of numerous stories parodying Zen and Taoist parables. Usually mentioned in the context of the teachings he professes, Tao-Cocoa, a parody of Zen Buddhism. Regular character of posts in LJ communities Tao-Cocoa

He has irrational thinking and a bad character (which is typical of the great teachers of Tao-Cocoa). He often swears, but does this solely for the purpose of helping his students achieve enlightenment.

Tao-Cocoa in general, and Sri-Yaputra in particular, were invented by Ramuald Kakandokalo, a famous (including in Boa constrictor) creative artist from Tallinn. The main parables about the difficult monastic life were written from 1999 to 2001.

Also, some time ago a small collection of parables with the participation of the subject was posted on the Xakepa website. In fact, it was with him that the acquaintance of many ananimus with the teachings of Tao-Cocoa began.

As stated above, stories about Sri Yaputra are parodic in nature and are usually ironic over the logic and abstruseness of Zen parables and Daoist discourse in general. Examples of stories:

One day, a homeless-looking sage came to the monastery of Sri Yaputra, leaning on a stick.
-Where is your Teacher? - he asked the students.
“In the city, the second week in binge meditation,” Nivhuril answered.
The homeless sage nodded with satisfaction and asked:
“Who knows at what stage of training a seeker is allowed to have his own poo-pot?”
The students, putting a wise look on their unwise faces, began vying with each other and randomly quoting Tao-Cocoa and other nonsense.
- WRONG! - the homeless sage suddenly thundered. “Only Sri Yaputra knows.”
With these words, he dropped his homeless appearance, and everyone saw that the sage was the Teacher himself. After which they were fucked with a stick, which was actually a staff.

One day, standing in the village square, Sri Yaputra saw a huge, scary dog rushing towards him.
“Stop, big dog, stop!” Yaputra whispered, numb with horror.
The dog, running up to the teacher, lifted its leg and sprinkled his sandals and ran further about its dog business. The peasants who saw all this began to laugh and point their fingers at Sri Yaputra.
- Unfortunate ones, it was the spirit of the heavenly dog Tengu, who overshadowed me with his grace! - Sri Yaputra shouted, and the detractors fell to their knees, amazed at the sacredness of the moment and their unworthy behavior. Carrying away numerous offerings from the square, Sri Yaputra thought that he needed to get himself a strong staff, because there is nothing better than a good club against any creature that publicly tries to piss on your feet.

Mountain China, Zhuoang Zhou Monastery. Year from the Nativity of Christ 853rd.
Someone asked Lin Zi:
-What is a mother?
“Greed and passion are the mother,” answered the master. “When with concentrated consciousness we enter the sensory world, the world of passions and lusts, and try to find all these passions, but we see only the emptiness behind them, when there are no attachments anywhere, this is called killing your own.” mother!.
- Fuck your mother! — Sri Yaputra was impressed

The beginning of the teachings of Tao-Cocoa, according to available information, was laid by a certain septemberman (aka establishman), who wrote the first parables at the turn of the millennium. Subsequently, all of them were included in the academic publication

Zen and the poker. Or the origins of the teachings of Tao-Cocoa.
Today I want to tell you, Cacao Taoists, how the teaching of Tao-Cocoa actually originated. Why cocoa and not tea (a more traditional drink for the East, by the way).
Tao Cacao originated in Japan in the mid-eighteenth century.
It was like this:

The Zen master Hakuin used to tell his students about an old woman who ran a tea shop and praised her understanding of Zen. The students refused to believe this and went to the store to see for themselves. Whenever the old woman met them, she could immediately tell whether they came for tea or to see her understanding of Zen. In the first case, she kindly gave them tea. In the second, she asked the students to go behind the screen. As soon as they entered there, she beat them there with a poker. Nine out of ten could not escape from her.
The tenth student, as you probably already guessed, was Yaputra. Who immediately became enlightened, but from then on he could no longer see either the poker or the tea. For this reason, he switched to cocoa and named the new, perfect teaching he created in honor of this delicious drink. Later, when Sri Yaputra's enlightenment became complete, he realized the true essence of cocoa

Nivhuril

He is also Nivkuril. A collective image of a devoted disciple of Sri Yaputra. Constant hero of instructive stories.

One day, teacher Sri Yaputra found the following note in his cell: “Nivhuril has never come close to enlightenment, teach the lost how to follow the path of the true Tao-Cocoa. Well-wishers."
“Huyase!” - Yaputra was amazed and went to the next cell to admonish the lost students.
"So that!" — the cunning stsuko Nivhuril grinned in the nearby bushes, taking another step closer to enlightenment.

“Dear grandfather Sri Yaputra,” Nivkuril scratched out the mascara with tears. - Take me away from here.
There is something terrible in their monastery here. And what a fool I was to run away.
They don't let you eat here. And not because “it’s okay to eat,” like at home, but to grow spiritually.
And there is no cocoa, only tea, and even the abbot drinks it like a complete fool.
And they also beat me with a stick, not just the way you beat me, but with a meaning: so that I can become enlightened. But I don’t think so.
I told them: “Go to hell,” I say, “with your Zen Buddhism!”
But they weren’t happy, but took the jade buddha and started poking it in my face.
Take me, grandfather, from this almshouse! I have no strength..."
Wiping away tears with his sleeve, Nivkuril signed below:
"Is yours,
As always,
Nivkuril"

- and tore out his message from the paper sliding partition.

“Teacher, why do you always mix vodka and beer?” — one of his students once addressed Yaputra. Another time he would certainly have hit him on the back with his staff, but this time the Teacher was in a good mood and decided to mock the upstart a little. “Here is a bottle of beer, young man,” with these words Yaputra raised the vessel he was holding in right hand. “Its strength is 4.6°. This is quite small. But here is vodka,” Yaputra raised the bottle he was holding in his left hand so that the student could take a closer look at it in the rays of the setting sun. “Its strength is forty degrees. And the planet we are on is inclined relative to the ecliptic plane at an angle of 32.5°. By mixing beer with vodka in a ratio of 1: 3.72, I compensate for this angle and see things as they are.” The teacher finished the story and took a sip from both hands. The student did not understand any of this, because he was not strong in astronomy and arithmetic. After waiting a couple more minutes until Yaputra warmed him up thoroughly, but without waiting for this, he went down to the cellar, where, without asking, he drank half a liter of beer and 1.86 liters of vodka in one gulp. Enlightenment did not take long to arrive.

Talented student

- O Great Master, show me the path of Tao-Cocoa!

- Yes, okay, I’ll teach you Tao-Cocoa. But you are not ready for this now. You must fast for a year, only after that I will teach you.

- Great Master, I fasted for a year, show me the path of Tao-Cocoa!
Sri Yaputra replied:
- Yes, I will teach you the path of Tao-Cocoa, but for this you must work on yourself. For three years, meditate on the sunrise every morning, and meditate on the sunset every evening.

- Great master! For three years, every morning I meditated and contemplated the sunrise and every evening its sunset. Teach me the way of Tao-Cocoa!

“No fucking way,” said Sri Yaputra.

One day, a young man approached Sri Yaputra with a bow and introduced himself as “Padonak Babruisky”. Diligently pronouncing all the letters of his unusual speech, he said: “Preved, Yaputro! Aftars dao_kakao burn, stsukko, hellish sotons! F mimariz! Lzhunimagu fell. The teacher sighed and then something very strange happened - Yaputra looked at Nivhuril and for the first time handed him his staff. Nivhuril understood everything and hit the bastard on the back with his staff. Padonak ran away. "And niipet." - said Yaputra, to whom Nivhuril returned the staff with a bow.

Sri Yaputra was meditating when his disciples came running and said: “Here a dervish came from distant countries with a magic donkey: when the Real Enlightened Teacher is next to this animal, the donkey begins to scream!” And so - he is always silent, - and they carefully asked: - Do you want to look? With a quick step, Sri Yaputra walked out the gates of the monastery and, without slowing down, kicked the magic donkey in the balls with all his might with his magic staff. The donkey screamed wildly and ran away.

One day a prostitute came to Sri Yaputra and said: “Elder, explain to me one simple thing.” You have lived for many years and there are legends about your wisdom among the people. Your doors are always open to people: you are ready to help everyone, you can give any advice, teach how to get out of any difficult and confusing situation. But the road to your monastery has long been overgrown with grass - people don’t come to you. And I am a girl from a poor family. God gave me neither intelligence nor the opportunity to get an education. And my beauty has become worn out over time... And despite this, the road to my house is wide and many people constantly visit it. Why is this happening? By that time, curious students had gathered around. One of them, hoping to gain the Teacher’s praise, exclaimed: “You know, going up is always harder than going down. That is the reason!” Yaputra paused and watched the woman’s reaction. Her face expressed complete bewilderment. “I’ve also read a lot of books, smart guy,” Yaputra said with a smile and added, “Come on, I’ll personally explain everything to you.” For several hours, a woman's exclamations of delight could be heard from behind the closed door. "Oh yeah! YES!" - she shouted, obviously agreeing with every word of Yaputra. When she finally came out, many students began to bite their elbows with envy - her face was so enlightened. “He’s been bugging us for years, but he explained everything to her in five minutes...” the same student said with annoyance.

Sri Yaputra walked along the line of students and slowly spoke: “The rumors that I am a stupid bully, unable to communicate with people without being hit with this,” he raised his right hand, “with a staff, are greatly exaggerated.” For example, when communicating with unmarried women from a neighboring village, I get along just fine without him. As well as in communicating with the seller of the meditative mixture, with the dear Ra Stafari, as well as with many other respectable people. And anyway, why go far for examples? I can even teach you, dunces, without using it at all. highest degree admonishing staff! One of the students shouted disrespectfully from the ranks: “Then why do you carry it around with you all the time, Teacher?!” Sri Yaputra approached the one who shouted and, stepping painfully on his foot, answered: “He’s funny.”

One day an arrogant zendo master appeared in town. He damnedly cursed Sri Yaputra and assured that he would knock his arrogance down. He was truly an excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery column of energy. And such a master challenged Yaputra. Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: “As a last resort, I’ll give up!” and accepted the challenge. As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway on the spot and gradually disappeared into the air, then turned into a column of fire. Sri Yaputra's forehead became covered with cold sweat, and he begged: “I surrender!” The zendo master again took on human form and, smiling sarcastically, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Sri Yaputra hit him in the face with a shaft. The zendo master passed out.

: Teacher Chhishvabrashvan once asked his student Yaputra: - What does clapping with one palm sound like? Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face. - Not entirely true, Yaputra, but you did it without thinking, without using your mind, which means you have comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here! Thus Sri Yaputra became a Teacher.
: The students once asked Teacher Yaputra: - Teacher, your parables are difficult to understand! Often your words just sound like crap! - Crap is a true compliment for my parables. They don’t fit in the mind, and this is the main thing! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself don’t understand what I’m talking about... You should be able to draw the legs of a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what is realized! - the Teacher became angry. Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students actually fell into a precipitate (meditated)

: Sri Yaputra was meditating. Coming out, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest drank whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and fucked prostitutes. He always went to the toilet with Sri Yaputra’s books, and apparently he didn’t read them there - they became thinner and thinner. Yaputra knocked on the priest's door, ostensibly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such luley that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa.

The students approached Sri Yaputra and asked: - Teacher, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But, we heard, it’s not that harmful. And when we come out of delight, we feel disgusting: everything is gray and miserable... - Don’t come out of delight! - Yaputra muttered, looking somewhere into the distance with glassy eyes...
“Teacher, why don’t you allow us to eat meat, but you quietly crack sausage at night?” - asked Nivhuril.
“Do you think that if I allow you to crack it, there will be something left for me?” - Sri Yaputra was sincerely surprised.
“Well, we won’t eat it all...” Nivhuril began timidly.
"Of course you won't eat it!" - Sri Yaputra flashed his eyes, reaching out for the staff.

One day his disciple Nivhuril came to Sri Yaputra.
“Teacher, please return my watch,” he asked timidly.
- There is nothing in the world that is yours. Yours is only a name. Remember this and get out of here, Chicky Pook.
“But this is not mine...” Nivhuril objected.
- You see, it’s not even your name! - Sri Yaputra interrupted him and looked at his watch. - Now get out, I have lunch.

Nivhuril studied the Tao of Cacao for so long and persistently under the guidance of Sri Yaputra that he achieved many siddhis, although he had not yet achieved enlightenment. One day he went somewhere on Dharma business, but a river suddenly blocked his way. That is, it would have been quite expected, but that would have been if Nivhuril had bothered to look at the map. There was also a crossing with a boatman, but he demanded a rupee for transportation, and Nivhuril had lost the last rupee somewhere shortly before. Having unsuccessfully argued with the boatman, who categorically refused to transport him for free out of respect for the Dharma of Cocoa, Nivhuril spat, crossed the river on water as well as on dry land and moved on.

When he returned to the monastery, he told this story to Sri Yaputra, hoping that he would praise him. “Idiot,” replied Sri Yaputra, taking a sip from the pooch. The entire cost of your ability to walk on water is a rupee. With these words, he fucked him with his staff, and from the blow, a rupee fell out of the folds of Nivhuril’s clothes - the same one that he could not find at the crossing. This one,” Sri Yaputra added, took the rupee for himself and drove Nivhuril out of his cell to meditate.

One day Nivhuril woke up in complete darkness.
- Where I am? How long did I sleep? Who is there? - he became worried.
“You are dead,” answered the voice of Sri Yaputra. - And this is the last flash of your consciousness, which I hold back with my will in order to inform you that you have not enlightened.
- And it's all?
- All.
The next morning, Nivhuril woke up and went to wash his sheet.
It was the second of April.

On a moonlit night, Sri Yaputra sat in a boat in the middle of the lake and meditated.

Suddenly his silence was interrupted by a side-to-side impact from another boat.

Fuck your Tao! May you forever be tormented by Zen allegory!.. - Sri Yaputra began, but then he looked carefully at the boat that had interfered with him and saw that it was empty.

It immediately dawned on Sri Yaputra that he would not receive the pistols now and he continued to swear with triple force.

Teacher, can I listen to my inner voice?
- To my own - no. To my mind, it’s possible.
- Omanki!

Here's an eight, here's a jack, and here's a six for the jiapao! - young Sri Yaputra laid out the cards on the table and grabbed the winning coins.
“Actually, we play chess,” the opponent said indignantly.
Sri Yaputra was not taken aback and answered the impudent man with obscenities. But he did not let up, demanding the return of the coins and calling those around him as witnesses. Then the young sage grabbed a stick lying on the ground, beat his opponent with it and sedately took off running.
“Wise beyond his years,” people whispered admiringly.

In the evening the disciples asked Sri Yaputra questions.
Someone asked:
“Teacher, can the enlightened make mistakes?”
Sri Yaputra, without hesitation, cracked Nivhuril, who was quietly sitting opposite, with his staff.
“Teacher! This is some kind of mistake! I didn’t ask this stupid question!” - exclaimed the dumbfounded Nivhuril.
“And I didn’t answer you, debater!” - Yaputra said and backed up his answer with another therapeutic blow.

During breakfast, Sri Yaputra dropped his favorite collectible poop pot, made of the finest Chinese porcelain. Not a single thought marred the purity of his deep bliss. With a calm smile, he collected the pieces and threw them away.
Students realized that tuition fees were rising again.

http://magiaworld.org.ru/punbb/viewtopic.php?id=3328
Instructive parables associated with the name of the Great Teacher of Tao - Sri Yaputra

Teacher Chhishvabrashvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
- What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher.
- Not entirely true, Yaputra, but you did it without thinking, without using your mind, which means you have comprehended Zen. Go in peace from here to...!
Thus Sri Yaputra became a Teacher.

Sri Yaputra was sleeping. He dreamed that he was a butterfly, carelessly fluttering from flower to flower. Suddenly, Sri Yaputra (being a butterfly) saw another butterfly flying towards him from a neighboring flower. This butterfly had tired eyes and gray fluff around its proboscis. Besides, this butterfly seemed vaguely familiar to Yaputra! Flying closer, the butterfly said:
- So, I don’t understand, what the hell are you doing here?
“I am a butterfly,” Sri Yaputra honestly admitted, “and I carelessly flutter from flower to flower.”
- What the hell is a butterfly?! Come on, wake up! Dammit, you are not a butterfly! Fell asleep again during meditation?! I'll show you!
With these words, the gray-haired butterfly hit Yaputra painfully on the head with something hard. From the blow he instantly woke up and saw his teacher Chhishvabrashvan in front of him with a bamboo stick. This story helped Sri Yaputra realize his own nature and the fact that he is, after all, not a butterfly.

One day, when Sri Yaputra himself was not yet a teacher, but only a student of Chhishvabrashvan, the two of them went for a walk. Having reached the neighboring city, they crossed it and exited at the other end. Next, the teacher and student walked along a rocky road into the mountains. After walking for some time, they stopped in front of a small, squat house. Several people were already standing in front of him. Coming closer, Sri Yaputra realized that these were students of other teachers. Chhishvabrashvan told Yaputra to wait for him at the door, and he himself entered the house.
Several hours passed and it was getting dark. Sri Yaputra was bored. The other disciples sat in a circle and meditated. Some more time passed, the sky was covered with clouds, and it began to rain. The house was built in such a way that there was nowhere to hide from the rain except inside. There was no forest visible nearby, and it was a long walk to the city. The disciples continued to meditate, not paying attention to the raging elements. After thinking for a while, Sri Yaputra pushed the door and entered the house. He immediately found himself in a large, warm and dry room, where teachers sat and were silent about something of their own. Looking at Sri Yaputra, they reached for their staffs, stood up and
they kicked him out onto the street. After sitting for a couple more hours in a puddle and not in the best mood, Yaputra waited for the rain to stop. Chkhishvabrashvan immediately came out and gestured that they were returning to the monastery.
“Teacher, it was raining so hard outside, why couldn’t I wait it out in the warmth?” Sri Yaputra asked when they were a good distance away from the house. “You shouldn’t have been thinking about wet clothes,” Chhishvabrashvan shook his head and continued on his way.
“Why then did the teachers calmly wait out the rain inside and not outside?” the student continued to ask. “Each of us has learned this lesson at one time or another.
And you, as I see, haven’t learned yours yet,” Chkhishvabrashvan sighed and turned away, “I’ll have to repeat it.”
“Fuck you all,” thought Sri Yaputra, “teachers sit warm, simply because they are teachers, and students get wet in the rain, simply because they are students.” After weighing the pros and cons, Sri Yaputra decided to become a teacher himself.

The young man came to Sri Yaputra:
- O Great Master, show me the path of Tao!
Sri Yaputra was lazy to wave his staff, and he said, grinning maliciously:
“Yes, okay, I’ll teach you the Tao.” But you are not ready for this now. You must fast for a year, only after that I will teach you.
The young man left and returned a year later:
“Great Master, I fasted for a year, show me the path of Tao!”
Sri Yaputra replied:
- Yes, I will teach you the path of Tao, but for this you must work on yourself. For three years, meditate on the sunrise every morning, and meditate on the sunset every evening.
The young man left. But three years later he returned:
- Great master! For three years, every morning I meditated and contemplated the sunrise and every evening its sunset. Teach me the way of Tao!
“Yes, I will teach you,” said Sri Yaputra. - But first you must learn to hover at a height of 5 li from the ground.
The young man left. But five years later he returned:
- Great master. For five years, I devoted myself to training every day, and now I can hover above the ground,” said the young man and hovered at a height of 5 li from the ground.
“No shit,” said Sri Yaputra.

Pyuan had very tight shoes. Pyuan was in great pain; he could not throw away his shoes because he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but
Teacher Yaputra came and broke both of Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was short, and the boots came at the right time for him. Pyuan spent six months in the hospital and, upon leaving, came to the teacher and bowed as a sign of gratitude, somehow saving his life by saving him from his shoes. The teacher sent him to hell with angry abuse, because he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his shoes. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

One day Chhishvabrashvan gathered his students and began to load them with various common truths.
“Having a brush, you can paint over any thing in this world,” the Teacher said tediously. “But you can’t paint yourself with it.” Only with two brushes can you paint over absolutely everything, including themselves.
“So one Zen Teacher is capable of screwing anyone except himself, but two can really screw anyone!” - one of the students sitting in the back row remarked to this. Soon he also became a Teacher. Have you already guessed who it was?

One day, Sri Yaputra was invited to a fight club. He carried with him two staves and a spiked brass knuckle. The Master of Tao is above any rules.

One day, Sri Yaputra, who was peacefully sipping cocoa in the morning, was visited by his most hopeless disciple. As soon as he crossed the threshold of the teacher’s hut, Sri Yaputra, without saying a word, hit him with his staff with all his might.
- For what, teacher? - cried the most hopeless student, hit with a bamboo stick, - I haven’t had time to ask anything yet!
“That’s the point,” answered Sri Yaputra, “what’s the point of beating you after you’ve asked your stupid question?”

When young Yaputra first came to demand repayment of the debt, he began to ramble on with such nonsense that those who came thought for a moment, and Yaputra fled quietly. It was then that the future great Teacher first realized the power of the parable.

One day, the great Teacher Sri Yaputra walked with his students through the forest and talked at length about finding his own Path. At the large oak tree, Yaputra let the students go ahead, and he himself remained standing with a blissful grin. A second later, the screams of students running away from a flock of wild wasps were heard from around the bend. “Truly, it is dangerous to follow the unbeaten path,” said the great Teacher and took a sip from the bottle.

One day Sri Yaputra lost his fear, shame and conscience.
This happened on the day he found the Tao.

The disciples of Sri Yaputra, after endless meditations knee-deep in mud under pouring rain and piercing wind, approached Yaputra with complaints.
- Come to your senses! - the Teacher reprimanded them, - It makes no difference where exactly to strive for enlightenment!
- Why do you, Teacher, always meditate in warmth and comfort? - the students tried to object.
- So what? There’s no difference anyway,” Sri Yaputra was sincerely surprised.

One day, a ragged beggar approached Sri Yauptra and said: “I was a great teacher for 40 years, led an unrighteous life, beat students, drank and abused women. All my parables were false or spit out. When everything was revealed, people turned away from me and drove me away. Come to your senses. Before it’s too late, you too!” Sri Yaputra hit the ragamuffin with a stick and walked away, thinking to himself: “His story is false! A real great teacher would never have been seen through.”

One day the disciples decided to enlighten Yaputra, made themselves bamboo staffs and began to try to break his pussy. The battle went on for a very long time... cheerful and fresh, the Teacher looked at his broken staff and thought: “how am I going to enlighten now?”... “and who?” thought the Teacher, looking around.

One day, Teacher Chhishvabrashvan decided to demonstrate to his students what team spirit is. He took a broom, pulled out a twig from it and gave it to his disciple, Sri Yaputra. “Break it,” said the Teacher. Yaputra chuckled, but broke the twig. “Now try to break this,” said Shkhishvabrashvan and handed Yaputra a broom. The young student did not expect such meanness, but he pulled himself together, puffed himself up with all his might, blushed, and broke his broom. “Yes, you will never know Tao!” said the Teacher.

One day Sri Yaputra came to his then teacher Chhishvabrashvan and asked:
- Why do people value emptiness?
“There is nothing valuable in emptiness,” answered Chhishvabrashvan and continued. - It's not about the name...
- Yes, I thought so! Idiots! - Sri Yaputra exclaimed and left the room.
“There is nothing better than peace, there is nothing better than emptiness...” Chkhishvabrashvan muttered after him in confusion.

In his youth, Sri Yaputra was well-read and observant.
“Every student goes further than his teacher,” he told Chhishvabrashvan.
“Then get off...!” - the Master was offended. This is how Yaputra found his Path in life.

One day the disciples brought the Teacher 60 jugs of white wine and 60 jugs of red wine, and...
“Awesome parable begins,” Sri Yaputra rejoiced.

Teacher Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful! But then the butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children! After thinking, Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit! The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonate for nothing.

One day Sri Yaputra found his disciple sitting with an delighted face.
- Teacher, looking at the running water, I see harmony and eternity.
“You are learning Zen,” the Teacher said and smiled. - Now turn off the tap, grab the rocker and buckets and go get some water, and just try not to fill the tank full by the evening, contemplator! - With these words, Yaputra gave the student a powerful slap on the back of the head.

One day, the Great Teacher Sri Yaputra saw wonderful melons growing in a field.
“Go and bring me a melon,” he said to one of the students.
The student picked the ripest melon and was about to take it to the teacher, when suddenly a peasant ran up to him and punched him in the face.
Covered in tears and snot, the disciple returned to Sri Yaputra and said:
- Teacher! This spiritually undeveloped and dark peasant did not let me bring you a melon!
Sri Yaputra was angry that he was left without lunch and gave the student more.
“Teacher,” the unlucky student cautiously turned to Sri Yaputra after some time, “you hit me in the face today, and an illiterate and uneducated peasant gave me the same thing today.” Why does everyone consider you the Great Teacher, and him - a simple peasant?
“This is because the peasant killed you out of greed, and I out of concern for your karma,” Sri Yaputra explained good-naturedly.

One day his brother Physelosoyu came to Chkhishvabrashvan. He hasn't eaten for two weeks, and his money ran out a year ago. Physelosoyu was counting on Chkhishvabrashvan to give him some food. Unfortunately, Chhishvabrashvan had already been in an enlightened state for two months. Yaputra, who guarded his peace, did not know Physelosoyu. He gave him a punch and kicked him out. Physelosoyu decided to drown himself out of grief and went to the river. There, however, someone else had already drowned himself, leaving a note, wallet and watch on the shore. Physelosoyu threw away the note, ate his wallet so as not to die on the way to the market, and decided to sell the watch. He ate enough at the market, found himself a modest place to live for little money, and began selling watermelons and lived richly and happily. Not everything is as bad as it really is. A couple of years later, Physelosoyu went to Chkhishvabrashvan, found Yaputra, thanked him and returned the cuffs. With interest.

After one of his meetings with a seller of pornographic postcards, Sri Yaputra began to spend more and more time in solitude.
One day one of the disciples, forgetting to knock, entered Sri Yaputra's room.
- Teacher! What are you doing?! - the student was taken aback.
“We see only what we want to see,” Sri Yaputra retorted calmly.

Teacher, why when different people They ask you the same question, do you answer some and not others?
“It is impossible not to answer a correctly asked question,” explained Sri Yarutra, “Because even if you remain silent...

One day the great teacher Sri Yaputra met Jesus Christ. And Jesus asked:
- Who do you think I am?
And Sri Yaputra answered him:
- You are an irrational product of the existential thinking of many people who are not ready to put up with the imperfections of the world around them and therefore came up with this...
And Jesus cried out:
- FAQ?!
And then Yaputra took out a stick and beat Jesus with it. So that it would be discouraging to interrupt the great teacher.

Sri Yaputra always told his disciples:
- A true sage is a person who no longer thinks. He knows.
One day one of the students timidly raised his hand and asked:
- Teacher, I don’t understand: if a sage doesn’t know something, how can he learn new knowledge without thinking?
- What’s incomprehensible here? - Yaputra was surprised. “If a sage doesn’t know something, it means he doesn’t need it.”

Sri Yaputra sat on the steps of his house, smoking and leisurely meditating after a hearty lunch, while his disciples swept the yard. Suddenly Sri Yaputra opened his eyes and addressed one of the disciples with the words:
- Do you see a bucket hanging on the tree over there?
- Yes teacher!
- Sit next to me, I want to test you. I will take pebbles from the ground and throw them into a bucket, and you must meditate. For every mistake I make, I will hit you with a stick. It's clear?
The student almost cried - after all, the bucket was hanging on a tree that was thirty steps from the house - but he obeyed. Everyone else stopped working and watched him, grinning.
Sri Yaputra threw the first stone, hit a tree and immediately hit the student with a stick. He clenched his teeth and didn’t say a word. Sri Yaputra threw a second stone - it bounced off the bucket with a ringing sound - and hit the student even harder. The student bent over from the blow, but was able to remain silent again. Sri Yaputra threw the third stone, missed by five cubits and hit the disciple again with the stick. He screamed, rubbed the bruised area, then jumped up and rushed as fast as he could towards the tree. Having removed the bucket from him, he returned back, placed the bucket at the feet of Sri Yaputra and sat down in his original place.
- Continue, Teacher! - he said with a smile.
- Respect! - Sri Yaputra answered and let him puff a couple of times.

2.
The weather that summer was relative. Or rather, they didn’t even stand at all, but hovered themselves throughout the entire atmosphere like small atoms of drizzle. They hung tightly and confidently, as if they should. In general, everything around was relative, but there was absolutely no alternative.
“So it’s time to reach all kinds of denial of diversity and dialectics,” Sri Yaputra slowly thought, observing on all kinds of smooth surfaces and ripples the sad, a la pointillism, dance of water flour. His cheeks and chin, as well as his forehead and already graying temples, were covered with mental boredom and a moisture that had permeated his entire appearance. Sri Yaputra cried with all the pores of his skin, and his idiotic disciples mistook permanent heartbreak for banal seasonal precipitation. But the teacher did not pay attention to this, he closed his eyes and silently asked the Universe for a drink.

3.
At midnight there was such a rush that some watches immediately fell behind, while others mysteriously jumped forward. Therefore, midnight again did not work out. The apartment smelled unpleasant.
“The world is becoming dangerously constant: it moves, but there is no development,” Sri Yaputra managed to think before he went to throw away the cat poop and wash the litter box.

4.
"I do not love you anymore".
I felt so surprised that I had to automatically look around, and even look as far as possible, behind my left shoulder. I no longer stood for the right, because I realized that it was pointless. There was no one around anyway, so they “no longer loved” me, of course.
We have all known for a long time that when such words are spoken, even the Shri Yaputras remain silent. Mine was silent too. More precisely, he managed not only to remain silent, but at the same time to be absent. In short, I was alone, defeated and helpless. Abandoned by the woman, betrayed by all the Sri Yaputras of the world, I still decided to look over my right shoulder. I expected to see at least their backs there, but they were no longer there.
"Fool! You should have immediately looked to the right, and not simply stared around!”
Some bird either muttered or gurgled in one of the countless crowns of the country park, but I did not answer it.

For those who have embarked on the path of Tao-cocoa,” Sri Yaputra instructed the new students in a friendly manner with a bamboo stick, “work on the cocoa plantation is voluntary, and not so that you work if you want, but if you want, you don’t.”

***
Kung fu master Li Xiang perfectly mastered the art of shadow boxing. One day his shadow beat him and took his wallet. Hearing this story, Sri Yaputra took the staff from his shadow. Just in case.

***
One day Sri Yaputra wanted to know what kakava does when he is not drinking it. He lay down on the mat, pretended to fall asleep, and then slowly crept up to the poop hole and looked into its nose. And the eye sticks out of the nose and looks around. Kakawa wanted to know what Sri Yaputra does when she is not drinking...

***
One day, brahmins from the Mu Valley came to Sri Yaputra.
“O Great Teacher,” they said, “our beloved Sacred Cow has disappeared! Tell us where to look for her?”
“Your cow has finally fulfilled its destiny and passed into another form of existence,” Yaputra answered them.
The Brahmins bowed.
“Teacher, the steak is ready!” came Nivhuril’s cry from the kitchen.

***
...and thus a person can dispel the nightmare of the illusion surrounding him and get rid of suffering. There are many paths to enlightenment, but one goal! - Sri Yaputra finished his sermon.
The students pondered intensely what they had heard. Suddenly there was a bang and one of the students disappeared in a bright flash of light. Then another one and another...
"...six, seven, eight." - Sri Yaputra thought in his mind. - “That seems to be it. Now there will be enough firewood until the next harvest, the excess stored firewood can be sold, otherwise there is a crisis, you know.”

***
One day, the inscription “Sri Yaputra is a goat!” appeared on the wall of the monastery.
"Another student has approached enlightenment and will soon leave the monastery." - Sri Yaputra thought sadly and deprived the entire monastery of cocoa for a week in order to consolidate the result.

***
At noon, in the courtyard of the monastery, the disciples meditated diligently under the shade of the trees. Birds were building nests. Bees and butterflies were flying. A cat was basking in the sun on the steps.
Sri Yaputra came out onto the threshold, he had just woken up and was a little stunned by the pastoral picture he saw in the yard. Deciding to dilute the paint a little, he deftly kicked a cat that happened to turn up.
- Meow.uu.uu.u.u.u..u.u.u..uu Dirty.. - the cat let out in a parabola, flying into the bushes.
The students unanimously followed the trajectory of the cat’s flight, unanimously did not understand a damn thing, but also unanimously pretended that they understood everything and began to meditate even more diligently.
And only enlightenment came to the cat.
For in the cat language the sounds made meant:
-Again reincarnation, again I’m a cat and again in this monastery. BLEE-I-IN!

***
The mighty cocaine elder Shcha Ves invited Sri Yaputra to stay with him. Yaputra and his disciples boarded a two-decker junk, and the journey began. All the long days Yaputra sat under the captain's canopy, in the shade of meditation, and at night he slept in a lifeboat, hiding his favorite poop in his bosom and tightly clutching the staff in his right hand. One day a storm broke out, the ship sank, Yaputra woke up in a boat dangling on steep shafts, and began to catch drowning people, oops, he caught Nivhuril by his hair, oops, he pulled out a couple more unlucky students by the hair. Suddenly the captain’s completely bald head appeared above the water, Sri Yaputra looked at it thoughtfully for several seconds, and then cracked his bald head with his staff:
- We have no time for koans here, damn it!

***
One morning, Sri Yaputra, out of habit, drank kakava and admired the sunrise. The disciples gathered in front of his hut.
- Why did you come up so early? - asked the Teacher.
- Teacher, we believe that we have walked the path of Enlightenment long enough, and now you must choose a successor for yourself.
- Well, those who consider themselves worthy of this, come forward.
The crowd took two steps back, leaving a slightly slowed-down Nivhuril ahead.
“Ah, Nivhuril, my most worthy student,” said the Teacher.
Then he stood up and placed his staff on the ground in front of him.
- Come, take the staff, and you will become my successor.
- Is it that simple? - Nivhuril was taken aback.
- Well, yes. What were you waiting for? All you need is to take my staff.
Nivhuril approached, bent down... and received a blow to the back of the head with a heavy poop.
“You are always missing something,” said Sri Yaputra, picked up the staff and went to his chambers.

***
One day, Nivhuril, entering the teacher’s cell, saw a monastery cat on the table, slurping sacred cocoa from a cup with a disrespectful slurp.
Here is an example of the fact that even this cat has the nature of Buddha - Nivhuril thought - and by devouring the sacred kakawa, he joins the true Tao, untying karmic knots, for the wheel of Samsara has no power over a creature that has rejected the illusions of Maya...
Shoot! Shri Yaputra, who entered, shouted and threw his staff at the cat.
O teacher, exclaimed Nivhuril, should a true Buddhist act like this?
And how! - Sri Yaputra answered, picking up the staff. I gave the cat the koan “Shoot” for meditation under the bench, and now I will explain to you that an enlightened person should not bother his head with the fact that he is supposed to smell ass!

***
Once in the monastery they poisoned cockroaches.
Nivhuril went to Sri Yaputra for an explanation about this.
- Teacher, shed light on my ignorance. By poisoning cockroaches we violate the principle of Ahimsa. How can you allow this to happen?
- “Again this idiot is being clever, it will be necessary to close access to Wikipedia from the monastery.” - the old man thought and silently swatted a cockroach running past with a sandal.
Nivhuril understood the transparent hint and, without waiting for premature enlightenment, hastened to hide.

***
One day, Sri Yaputra was comprehending the Tao in the kakav den of Teki Lao, when the excited Nivhuril came running to him.
- Teacher, teacher! - he shouted excitedly. - Today I walked past a rice plantation and met a beautiful maiden, Shlu Hen, who showed me a short path to enlightenment for just one coin! Venerable mentor, I no longer want to live in a monastery, Shlu Hen and I will go far, far away, I will live with her and achieve enlightenment every morning, and sometimes twice a day!
The wise Sri Yaputra frowned and warned the student:
- Be careful, you are in great danger. Demons seduce you so that you will never again know the joy of collecting ripe cocoa and cleaning the monastery courtyard. Go immediately to the meditation hall, assume the lotus position and seek the path to true enlightenment.
“But, teacher, I don’t want...” the words of the careless student were interrupted when Sri Yaputra mournfully hit him with his staff. The mentor looked with a kind smile at Nivhuril, who was prostrate in deep meditation, took a coin from his bag and, with the unsteady gait of a sage, headed towards the rice plantation.

One palm clap

Tao-Cocoa

Sri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Teachers of Tao were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They had been arguing about something for the second week.
“Gee…” said Teacher Kao-jin.
“Go crazy...” objected Teacher Raphrishnsh-vutra.
“If what you say is Tao, then I guess I’ll go...” Yaputra said and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

Once upon a time there was an excellent shooter. Hit a coin a kilometer away. The king arranged a shooting competition. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid he missed - his head off his shoulders. The shooter pulled the bowstring, but was blinded from excitement, his hands were shaking... He released the arrow. The arrow flew straight to the king's head.
- Like fucking a pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and gave the shooter 2 bags of gold.

The monk became enlightened. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
But Yaputra passed by his room in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And he accidentally walked into the monk’s room. After taking a nap, Yaputra wound up the watch and the clock started running again. And the monk became a normal person again. And he kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

One day, after drinking cocoa, Sri Yaputra bet with Chhishvabrashvan that he could teach people Zen no worse than Tao-cocoa.
A month later, the monastery took first place in the world brass band competition. Both the jury and the audience were amazed by the unprecedented manner of young “musicians” playing on scrap steel, calling it “an iron flute without holes.” By the way, there really weren’t any holes there - but they were playing!
A crowd of excited reporters surrounded the teacher.
- Tell me, Mr. Japutra, how did your team manage to achieve such performing heights using such strange instruments?
- It's simple. It’s all about my magic baton,” answered Sri Yaputra, affectionately waving his staff.

Fuck it, this is Tao! - Shri Yaputra cried, standing in front of the students.
The students began to look at each other, wondering how to interpret these words.
“You are part of Tao,” the Teacher hinted.

Sublime laziness

- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- True joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.

Straight tree

Jumped around

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Teacher Chhishvabrashvan. They argued for a while, gossiped, told jokes, blew buds.
It was late afternoon.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! - Yaputra sighed politely.
- So how?! This is my home! - Chkhishvabrashvan was surprised.
- Have you gone completely crazy?! Rake away, you old thing! - Yaputra cried and drove out Chhishvabrashvan. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

One day Sri Yaputra was meditating. He sat in the lotus position, closing his eyes, and mentally wished health and happiness to all people on Earth. Suddenly, outside the walls of the monastery, some grandmother began to scream.
“May you die, old hag!” thought Yaputra.
And he continued his pious activities.

Instead of an afterword