People value most those who do not try to please them, but simply behave naturally and try to be themselves.
Many psychological problems are associated with a person’s inability and inability to recognize the objectivity of what is happening.
That is, we deceive ourselves, which is the cause of stress, neuroses, and unhappy destinies. And first you need to learn to see deception. And it’s best if we look inside ourselves and see how we deceive ourselves.
We do our makeup, our hair, put on beautiful clothes, and everything seems to be fine: in front of us is a person who, at first glance, loves and understands himself, but... is this so?
There are several understandings of hatred: we hate someone and even express it through insults, beatings, humiliation, gossip. And there is self-hatred, which is expressed in not accepting ourselves as God created us.
And the idea that we have about ourselves will always determine our reaction to life situations.
The best people to give and receive love are not those who constantly put themselves down and say bad things about themselves, but those who truly love themselves and are fully aware that they are loved by God. Being at peace with himself, such a person is free to give love to his neighbors and allows other people to love himself.
Let's return to the clothes and masks that we wear every day at home, on the street, at work, with friends, colleagues, etc. We play at work, at home, and this means that when we take off our “clothes,” our relatives do not understand us, our husbands do not understand us, our children do not understand us, and all because we ourselves do not understand ourselves.
We hate ourselves inside, but few people openly admit this to themselves. But this hatred comes through in us through self-dislike. How often can you hear - my hands are like a rake, or I’m so clumsy, ugly, crooked, slanted, you can continue ad infinitum. How can such a person truly love others if he hates himself?
How can you define self-hatred:
Excessive attention to clothing- people who show excessive concern about clothing or fashion try to compensate for an imaginary defect or an undesirable but unchangeable physical feature of their body.
Inability to trust God- people gripped by self-doubt are often unable to trust. They feel dissatisfied with who they are, that is, what arms, legs, body, eyes, ears, mind. They do not accept what the Lord has given them. There is no joy in the life of such people.
Excessive shyness- shyness is caused by the fear of what others will think of them. Being shy and quiet are not the same thing. Quiet people are by nature; shyness is born of fear.
Difficulty loving others- this is caused by a person’s inability to love himself (most often due to uncertainty in God’s love).
Critical attitude towards yourself- includes complaints regarding features of a person’s life that cannot be changed, such as his physical characteristics, abilities, pedigree, past, etc.
Dreamy comparison of oneself with others- this is associated with a critical attitude towards oneself in that it includes a person’s desire to be special in those areas where changes are impossible. The difference, however, lies not only in the desire to change, but also in having certain qualities noticed in other people.
Constant bitterness- there are people from whom you will never hear anything positive, no matter how optimistic the conversation begins, they immediately begin to gossip, complain, slander, express their anger, etc.
Perfectionism (an individual’s excessive desire for perfection in actions, deeds and deeds) - there is nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well and this is a healthy attitude towards life. The problem arises when the time spent on it “outweighs” the value of the result achieved.
Attitude of superiority- those who reject themselves often try to compensate for this non-acceptance by taking a position of superiority over other people. Bragging about your achievements, using smart words in conversation, refusing to communicate with certain groups of people - all these things are signs of pride and an underlying feeling of insecurity.
Awkward, self-conscious attempts to hide intractable flaws- is a sign of non-acceptance of oneself.
Extravagance- people who try to amaze everyone by spending huge sums of money on expensive things in the hope of arousing the admiration or envy of other people can cover up their lack of self-acceptance and feelings of personal inferiority.
Wrong priorities- when a person spends more time than necessary on gaining the appreciation of other people, it is also a sign of self-rejection. Those who focus on the unimportant and try to quickly get rid of the main priorities in life face problems in their lives.
BY ACQUIRING THE WORLD WRONGLY, WE HARM OURSELVES.
To remember what internal unpleasantness is, it is better to start with its opposite, with its positive pole: with internal acceptance. Inner acceptance is a state in which realistic interaction naturally occurs.
Entering the room, we accept that there are walls here - that’s how it is. When we are born into the world, we accept that there is day and night, summer and winter, rain and gravity. We live in it. When faced with different and difficult events, when accepting, we do not internally protest, do not become indignant, do not rebel against, do not worry and do not experience an involuntary desire to redo, change, object.
Inner acceptance is generally an extremely useful state and position, but it is not always present. For people who live more by their feelings than by their mind and head, there are often situations when the head understands everything, but the feelings (heart, emotions, body) object, do not understand, do not accept...
If you crashed your car and began to worry: “This couldn’t happen to me!”, “This can’t be!”, “The world is unfair, people are idiots, I’m unlucky again” - internal acceptance is not typical for you.
In a state of acceptance, you internally describe the situation: I was driving at such and such speed, in such and such a lane, a foreign car, of such and such color, under such and such conditions, made a collision, and so on - as long as you are internally calm and see what is happening realistically, you are in positions of acceptance.
It is possible that this is a direct continuation of the crisis of 3 years: there the child argued with adults, and now the adult child argues with the world.
Accordingly, working with a bad habit consists only in the fact that you need to develop a good, useful habit: not mindlessly argue, but think and agree with what is reasonable and what is simply a fact. For adults - Total YES, for little ones - we learn to obey smart adults and gradually grow up.
On the other hand, behind every protest emotion there is one or another inadequate belief, such as “Everything that I love should always belong to me” or “Everything that others have that is good should also be mine.” Accordingly, problematic beliefs need to be found and replaced with adequate ones. If a person understands with his head that it is necessary to accept what is happening, and behind the protest there is only the resistance of feelings, then you can rely on time: over time, people get used to everything (or almost everything). Is it possible to do this “over time” in a shorter time, or even without internal resistance? Yes, sometimes this is possible. Helps many people with this
Today I want to tell you one secret that only psychotherapists and those of their clients know who are successfully moving towards finding themselves in a new status - in the status of a happy, harmonious person, for whom, no matter what they plan, everything turns out the way they wanted ...
I said that this secret is known to those who communicate with psychotherapists or read books written by the best of them... Although it’s not... Some clients of psychotherapists, no matter how many sessions they go through, no matter how many books they read, still don’t understand this secret, no matter how much you tell them about it in different words. This means that their time to understand this themselves has not yet come. After all, this is the only way to understand the most important things - you must reach everything that is really important yourself.
This “ultimate secret of psychotherapy” that I will tell you about sounds like a paradox and is therefore confusing. But the truest truths always, or almost always, sound like a paradox.
Let's first remember what a paradox is.
Paradox(from the ancient Greek - “unexpected” or “strange”) is a true judgment or situation that takes place in reality, which, despite the fact that it is true and real, has no logical explanation and sounds discouraging.
A paradox is most often called a statement, one that diverges from generally accepted opinion and at first (superficial) glance looks like unreasonable nonsense.
Here are some of his paradoxical aphorisms. Imbued with the beauty of this unique genre in order to fully appreciate the main paradox of psychotherapy, the main dish that I am in no hurry to serve.
Oscar Wilde said:
- “I’m not young enough to know everything”;
- “I have unpretentious taste: the best is enough for me”;
- “Women have amazingly sharp eyesight: they see everything except the most obvious”;
- “Being natural is a, you know... pose”;
- “Only a superficial person judges people not by their appearance”;
- “I will believe anything as long as it is completely incredible.”
Self-acceptance is the beginning of change.
You can reformulate it like this (quite Wilde-like):
“The unwillingness to change oneself is the beginning of positive changes in oneself”
The meaning of this truth, clothed in the form of a paradox, is that as long as you want to change, because you don’t like yourself, you will not begin to change, there will be no time.
You will not begin to change precisely because the thoughts that “I’m somehow different” are still the same old thoughts, the old wrong thinking that dries up the brain and takes away strength.
A person who doesn’t like himself spends all his energy, all his health and resources on what psychologists call “building psychological defenses.”
These are the typical psychological defenses built by people who are dissatisfied with themselves and therefore suffer from a guilt complex or simply from low self-esteem. This kind of person:
- He constantly justifies himself, fusses, wastes energy, lies;
- He hides his “face” from others, concealing his true character traits and habits, which is very troublesome and difficult;
- Or, on the contrary, he spends all his strength and the last remnants of his reputation on further protruding, exaggerating his “bad” traits, in order to annoy those who once did not accept him out of anger and despair. Once having done something “wrong”, he is now trying to “grow” into a real monster, so that he can certainly take revenge on those who wrote him down as a monster in advance;
- He compensates for his “shortcomings” by engaging in some kind of third-party “good” activity, very hectic and exhausting and not at all interesting to him; if you dig deep, he makes the “wrong” career, destroys his health in the most banal workaholism, builds an “ideal family” that is unnecessary to him, for years putting up with an unloved spouse.
- He sucks up to those around him, sacrifices himself to strangers or his own relatives, who are already suffocating from his “help”, so that they do not notice his “shortcomings” or treat them more leniently;
- He allows himself to be lectured and pushed around by those who have seen through his dissatisfaction with himself and take full advantage of his feelings of guilt.
Before you is a picture of a typical life of typical people. Now you understand perfectly the meaning of this paradox:
"Accepting yourself is the beginning of change."
After all, positive changes require from us not only physical strength, energy, money and time. The most important thing they require is our light and wonderful mood, with which we must set off on a new (and of course not easy) path. They require optimism and joy on our face. Where can a person who does not accept himself for who he is get all of the above?
Self-rejection is a wish for death (albeit subconscious). How can one combine such two differently directed wishes at the same time: wishing oneself death and wishing oneself happiness in a new status?
A real example of how this paradox of psychotherapy works.
You've probably heard that overweight people don't buy themselves a lot of fashionable and beautiful clothes, because "they are going to lose weight and then they will start buying themselves fashionable and beautiful clothes."
And you've probably heard that by reasoning in this way, they make a big mistake. Because that's how it is fat people never lose weight.
This is how this paradox works in life!
Overweight people begin to rapidly lose weight and reduce volume, and generally get into the shape they desire only when they begin to lovingly dress themselves as they are right now.
Don’t wear robes and ugly clothes, but come up with an exceptional wardrobe for your current weight...
Why does this happen? Psychotherapists and psychiatrists know, but they are silent, quietly laughing in their mustaches...
Lack of self-acceptance and low self-esteem is one of the most common psychological problems of people. A person considers himself unsuccessful, does not accept himself, and has many complexes. Complexes can only interfere with his life. Non-acceptance of oneself, dislike of oneself is an emotional state characterized by a person’s lack of self-confidence, negative feeling to yourself. Such a person does not know how to see the good in himself and feels his failure. Often this condition is accompanied by a guilt complex.
Psychology claims that non-acceptance of oneself can be formed in childhood, when parents tell the child that he is bad. Alienation of parents from the child and dislike for him can also be the reasons for the development of an inferiority complex, lack of self-acceptance and low self-esteem in the child. Aggression towards a child from parents also reduces his self-esteem.
Non-acceptance of oneself can also develop in adulthood due to fears, frequent failures, appearance...
Very often a person strives to meet other people's expectations, to act in accordance with what the other person expects from him. At the same time, he has to change his beliefs, sacrifice principles, which leads to a feeling of dissatisfaction and lack of self-acceptance. The desire for false standards or insufficient self-image, incorrect opinions about oneself also significantly reduce self-esteem and create dislike for oneself.
Lack of self-love interferes with self-realization, achieving goals, family, personal life, work and study, and is the cause of many crisis situations.
So what is self-love, self-acceptance, how to find it? Self-love is the desire to understand and accept yourself as you are. According to many outstanding people It is this quality that is indispensable for a person.
As psychologists say, each person is unique and endowed with his own characteristics. True self-love involves self-control and proper self-analysis. It does not exclude defeats, mistakes and failures, but allows a person to treat them as ordinary phenomena. Mistakes and blunders do not stop a person who loves himself from achieving his goal. Sometimes, to develop self-acceptance, you need the help of a psychologist, which you can get at our center. The factor of aesthetic beauty also plays a role. For example, an overweight person accepts himself as he is, but it is important to remember that in a healthy body there is a healthy SPIRIT, and on earth, our thoughts. Therefore with a question HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT it's better to contact nutrition consultant !
The more a person accepts himself, the more confident he is, and the more correctly he ultimately evaluates himself. “Sober” self-esteem helps to realize oneself, while low or high self-esteem can be an obstacle in this process.
To have positive self-esteem and learn to accept yourself, perceive yourself positively and praise yourself more often. You don't have to be 100% perfect; Every person can make mistakes, have their own characteristics, habits that others may not like...
To develop positive self-esteem and self-acceptance, we suggest you conduct a small experiment. It consists of several points that need to be followed consistently: think about what you do best and praise yourself for it; praise yourself for something positive quality which you have; think only good things about yourself and don’t allow yourself to be criticized.
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Hello. I am 33 years old. I'm not married, no children. There aren't many friends either. And I know that it's me. I can’t accept life in any way, accept my role in it, really understand what I need, what I want from myself in general. Sometimes I hate people; they all seem stupid and worthless to me, caring only about themselves and their base interests and needs. There are depressions. In general, it’s somehow difficult for me to communicate with the outside world. I myself push people away from me somehow subconsciously and I don’t know how to make contact, take the right step towards a meeting, find reciprocity. In general, I think, look and act like a common person, because I make an effort on myself and adapt to generally accepted norms. But all this causes me internal rejection. I have a good job. Brothers, sisters, mother. I perceive them with shortcomings, but sometimes, to my shame, I don’t want to see them. I find fault with everyone and everything all the time, looking for imperfection, dooming myself to isolation. Here's my question. How can I change my worldview? Where to begin? I went to psychologists and tried holotropic breathing in a group. But the problem is not solved, I cannot open up in personal communication, express all my experiences. It’s also because I don’t fully accept myself. In general, I have always had low motivation and decreased interest in life. More precisely - none. I dreamed of disappearing, as if I had never existed, so that no one would be hurt or ill. In general, it is difficult for me to communicate personally and open myself to a person, even a specialist psychologist. A teacher by training. I love children. Sometimes there are bright spots - for a day or two I live just easily and without quibbles and “like ordinary people,” as it seems to me. But then I slip back into my apathy and unwillingness to do anything at all in life. Please advise how I can start working on my problem? How to gain the ability to live a full and vibrant life that would bring me interest, joy, some desires... I am at a loss. I can’t live like this alone all my life and have it in my head that something is wrong, but I still don’t understand what. Maybe there are some kind of correspondence consultations, in which I could open up and switch to personal communication? Help me move from the “dead point”, please. Thank you in advance.
Hello! I see some inconsistencies in your story. Let's start from the end: You ask about the possibility of correspondence consultations, as an opportunity to open up. You understand that there is a living person sitting on the other side of the screen - one of those whom you consider to be just like other people... add which one;) What makes you believe that such communication will help you open up? In general, this request for a change in worldview, in particular, a change in attitude towards people, there is something doomed in it, or something. For some reason I have a hard time believing that you want this. Let me explain: You feel bad about yourself. You found your attitude towards people as the reason for your “bad” attitude. Hence the conclusion: in order to feel good, you need to start loving people. And not "likes". And somehow you have to convince yourself, even force yourself. This is such an effort on yourself to make it feel good. But, alas, that’s not how the psyche works. It is impossible to force yourself to feel any feelings. There is something you don't want to know about yourself. If you have practiced holotropic breathing, perhaps the idea of mirroring what is happening will not be a discovery for you: everything that you see in others is about you. For example, how do you like the idea that you are a person who cares only about yourself, your needs and interests, which you yourself think are not very high? How does this make you feel? Maybe this is what causes depression? One of the hypotheses about the causes of depression is connected precisely with the absence of some important goals, a mission, if you like, in a person’s life. I would suggest starting by finding the courage to see yourself in all aspects of yourself. And try to do without ratings. It may not be very easy, nor very pleasant. But it is useful, like a bitter medicine. The main thing is not to overdose. Otherwise, you can poison yourself. Sorry if it was harsh. I don’t see a way to convey my idea to you with strokes. If you are ready to meet your different selves, to look for your true needs, I can help in any way I can. I work part-time. Write to me at email [email protected] Let's agree on the terms. I just ask you to briefly describe this consultation in your letter once again, so that I understand who you are. I wish you peace with yourself and great luck. :)