Why are we afraid of losing a loved one. All fears come from childhood. A man should always feel like a winner.

In this article, we'll look at what to do about the fear that a man will end the relationship. It would seem that it is good both when this fear is not there (it does not spoil the girl's nerves), and when this fear is there (it forces you to do everything so that the man does not leave).

In fact, everything is different, and this is what girls who are afraid of parting with their loved ones should know about.

Why only them? I will explain. There are, of course, girls who are not at all afraid of ending a relationship at the initiative of a man: “Yes, I don't care, I'll find another!”. So, we are now talking a little about something else: about the case when a girl realizes that a man is really good and there are few people like him. Those. when a man is really dear to her.

In this case, the fear of losing a man is normal. Just as jealousy is quite natural in this case - I wrote about this in the article.

But when this fear torments you constantly and begins to spoil your life, this is an occasion to urgently start changing something. Because he can spoil your relationship over and over again, and you won't even understand what the matter is.

Fear of losing a man

If a girl is truly dear to her man and dear to their relationship, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that she is afraid of losing it all. But you can be afraid in different ways, and now you will feel the difference.

For the most confident girls, the fear that a man decides to leave is not a factor in their actions. For the less self-confident, it is.

Moreover, this fear controls the actions of less confident girls in different ways: some girls already know how to deal with this fear wisely and competently, others (and most of them) do not.

Just do not leave

While more confident girls think, "Something has to happen so that he leaves me," less confident girls think, "I must do everything now so that he does not leave me."

Less wise girls demonstrate their fear by following his lead. They do not hide that they are afraid of losing a man, showing him this both with words and actions:

"I'm so afraid of losing you"
"You won't leave me, will you?"
"I couldn't breathe without you"
"Just don't leave me, please, I can't live without you"

- these and similar phrases are repeated by such girls quite often - so fear is demonstrated by words.

In addition, such girls strive to foresee and fulfill any desires and whims of a man: they are always ready to give up everything in order to come or help with something, abandon their plans, their desires, their pride. This is how fear is demonstrated by actions.

Why is it dangerous

And this is what happens: a man hears it, sees it, moreover, he also feels it! We humans are natural creatures. We know not only how to recognize fear by words and actions, we know how to feel it.

And if a man feels and sees fear, not confidence, he does not start thinking: “Oh, how cool I am, since they are so afraid of losing me! ..” - no. He begins to think: “There is something wrong with her, she has become too attached, she has lost her self-sufficiency ... Besides, if she is so afraid, maybe I don’t know something? Maybe she's not that good? " - i.e. the girl begins to lose her attractiveness in his eyes.

The image of a delightful woman to be pursued disappears. And the girl turns.

And if, on the contrary, a man feels and sees confidence, his brain assesses the situation as follows: “She appreciates and respects herself so much, so there is something for that. She is not afraid of losing me, which means that she will easily find another. No, she will be mine! " - and so the competitive, conquering instinct wakes up.

How to overcome fear

Even if this thought constantly sits in you: "I'm afraid that my boyfriend / man / husband will leave me, I don't want to lose him ..." - do not show your fear obsessively, persistently, constantly.

The more openly you demonstrate it, the less anxious your man treats you. Better if he is afraid of losing you, and not vice versa.

The reason for this fear most often lies in self-doubt. If you get rid of it, the fear will go away. And in order to get rid of her, you need to understand where her legs grow from, because the reasons may be different.

Often, self-doubt arises from the trauma of abandonment that happened in childhood. For a little more information, see the video:

Be sure to build your confidence - start by reading the articles:

What to ask yourself

I said that the fear that a man will leave most often grows on the basis of self-doubt.

But there is also another reason. You may be afraid that he will leave you if he himself constantly hints at it or speaks about it directly. Then you need to ask yourself and try to honestly answer yourself: do I really love me? And if not, why am I still with him, and not with someone who will not frighten me by leaving?

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Often, after a quarrel with a loved one, many women think that if a man is not afraid of losing them (or simply does not express this in any way, although deep down he is very afraid), this means that he does not love them, does not appreciate them, does not feel for them no feelings at all.

Such women are most often mistaken. If it is not scary for him to lose his beloved, this means that he simply has not yet realized how dear she is to him.

Unfortunately, very often it is at this stage that novels end. She leaves, tired of trying to get his attention, and he realizes his feelings for her, as they say, after the fact. How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing without breaking off relations with him? The method "by contradiction" will help to answer this question more precisely.

How you can not behave

For a man to be afraid of losing you, you must adhere to the correct line of behavior. First, let's take a look at what shouldn't be done in any case, since the result will be completely opposite:

Tell him directly that you are going to do something in this direction. On your part, this will be a banal provocation, which will only lead to quarrels and insults.
Flirt openly with other men. This can make him angry and he will simply lose interest in you.
Follow your emotions and call him every five minutes if he is busy at work or went out with friends. He will think that you have no other interests besides him, which means that he has nothing to be afraid of, that is, he can behave as he wants.

It is very important to know one truth: a man is afraid of losing a woman if at least once he had to think about the possibility of such an incident.

How to put such thoughts in his head?

He is not the only thing in your life. . Let him know. For example, if he warned in advance that he would go out with friends, do not call him, constantly asking where he is and with whom. If it has become completely unbearable - send an SMS with kind words or a funny emoticon. This will engender doubts in his soul why you didn’t call him yourself, what are you doing so interesting without him. If he asks about it, with an innocent look, answer that you watched a movie that you have been interested in for a long time, but that your young man still did not find time to watch together.
Make it clear that other men are paying attention to you. . This should be done very unobtrusively, carefully and as if by the way. If a man is afraid of losing a woman, even if he doesn't express it in any way, such a "revelation" will be more than enough for him. Tell, for example, how a stranger gave you a seat on the bus and tried to strike up a conversation, or about an impudent person who wants to meet you in line at the clinic. Representatives of the stronger sex are hunters by nature, and a man is afraid of losing a woman if he sees potential rivals.
Hint to him that you may be in for a long separation soon. Of course, this must be done with extreme caution. You can, for example, be interested in exchange programs with other countries. You don't even need to take part in competitions to go abroad. It is enough just to speculate aloud how interesting and informative it would be. When a man is afraid of losing a woman? Then, when there is a risk that he will not see her for a long time.

How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing? You just need to follow a few simple rules. They will be discussed further.

Cultivate what makes him dependent on you

Any relationship is built on interdependence. And that's okay. It is likely that he cannot imagine his life without the comfort that you create in the house, without your tenderness and even a smile, in the end, without the food prepared by you. You, in turn, also feel a kind of dependence - on his money, position in society and interesting conversations with him ... In general, situations are different. Determine what is especially dear to him in you, and put emphasis on it, develop it in yourself in every possible way. Does he sleep for a long time on Sundays and likes to pamper himself with junk food? Let him do it ... occasionally. Let him sleep, and you quietly get up and cook him his favorite dish. He will be very pleased. Or run to McDonald's and buy him a big bag of fast food. How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing you? Sometimes indulge his whims, but you should not do this always, otherwise he will get used to it and stop taking such trifles as joy.

Be independent for him!

How to make a man afraid of losing? Always be as if at some distance from him. Know how to support yourself, do not be jealous, do not arrange an inspection of his phone or e-mail at the first suspicion of interest in other women. If he wants to change you, he will do it so that you do not know. Find a hobby, develop in every way, otherwise he will cease to appreciate you and lose all interest. What woman is a man afraid of losing? Smart, independent, unobtrusive, who will easily support any conversation. In general, the one with whom he will be pleased to appear in society, which he is not ashamed to introduce to friends or parents. The main thing is not to forget about him during all these activities, to be interested in his affairs, to love and respect him.

Be a friend to him

It's not just women who need to be heard. Men need it no less. Take an interest in his affairs, ask about work, friends, hobbies, plans, successes. But don't overdo it. It shouldn't look like an interrogation. If he does not want to talk about something - do not impose, postpone the questions until next time.

Calm is the most important thing

Always be calm. Even if a conflict arose, and the man made a mistake in something, calmly explain to him exactly what he was wrong about. Some, of course, love the Italian passions and scandals that entertain the entire street. But this is rather an exception to the rule. The bulk of the stronger sex still wants meetings with their beloved woman not to be a burden for them. Understand that they need a "safe haven" in which to relax after a busy day.

A man should always feel like a winner.

Since ancient times, men have fought, or at least just competed with each other. They fought for the best land, the best food, the best woman. How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing? You just need to let him fight for you and ... be the winner. Be a goal for a man, a dream ... Together with him, rejoice in his victories and do not take into account his defeats. He will definitely appreciate it and will be afraid to lose.

Little tricks

How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing his love? Sometimes cancel your appointments by citing important matters. The main thing is not to overdo it and endure such a period that he gets bored, but does not think that you have found another or just avoid meeting. Of course, it's hard not to see your loved one for several days, but you need a result, don't you? In order not to be so hard, take care of yourself - visit a beautician, take a walk with your friends, go shopping. There is another option for behavior - always be different. All women are actresses to one degree or another, so change your looks every day. Today you are a Turgenev girl, a poet's dream, tomorrow you are a sexy kitty who will drive any man crazy, the day after tomorrow you are a smart intellectual or a cheerful girl - “your boyfriend”. He will not know which one he will see you next time, and this will add novelty to your relationship and even a certain piquancy.

He is not the only man in your environment.

We have already touched on this topic a little higher. Let him know that you are only his woman ... at least for now. Never force yourself on him. Just mention in passing that today you are meeting in a cafe with a classmate (still ... you haven't seen each other for so long, you have something to talk about!) Or that you will be late at work, because a colleague promised to help you complete a complex report. Do not hesitate - he will immediately want to meet a classmate or come running to meet you from work. The ideal option would be to be together in a company where there are several men who like you. Show each one a little attention - smile at this, joke with the other. But not more!

Don't flirt openly. Behave in a way that makes them feel good about communicating with you, but not so that they can make long-term plans. You want men to compete with each other for your attention, and not see you as a cheap doll. How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing you? Show that you are interesting to other guys, but so far the only one for you is only him.

There are many reasons for happiness, but three of them are major:

fear,

envy,

guilt.

And they are all in the person himself.

Fear makes a person a spiritual dead. Seneca said that things can be safely owned if you are not afraid to lose them at any time. From myself I can add, if you are afraid of losing something, then you have already lost it. I am afraid of losing a crystal vase, I hide it in the closet, do not use it and thus lose it.

The one who is afraid of losing his life is already dead.

Some of my patients have an obsessive fear of death. I reassure them something like this: “Don't be afraid to die. As a person, you are already dead. Let's resurrect. " It helps the smart right away. They immediately begin to use life correctly and begin to climb the mountain. And when you go uphill, there is no time to think about death. Thinking how to climb to the top.

By the way, when you go uphill, you achieve your goal, you think less about how you look.

Envy kills a person because he stops living his life, that is, he loses himself, and begins to live the life of the one he envies.

Those who are engaged in their personal growth and are more concerned with their own affairs than those of others do not envy. With this approach, there will certainly be successes and grounds for joy. After all, if you do something systematically and methodically, there can be no such thing that over time you will not do it better!

But envy can also be used: to find out what ability we have not developed. Envy can organize your activities properly. You just need to achieve what the person you envy has. There will be no failure. Since you are jealous, then, therefore, you have the ability that can lead to what you want. I don't envy singers. I have no hearing, no voice, and no desire to become a singer. But I envied mathematicians. But the envy immediately passed when he mastered higher mathematics.

Guilt arises among those who think they are God or live by someone else's rules. Only God can be guilty. He knows everything, he can foresee everything. Therefore, it is necessary to get rid of the unconscious thought that you are God and live by the rules that you yourself have developed based on your own experience.

When a healthy person fails, only a feeling of annoyance arises. Then you start thinking, looking for your mistakes and improving the rules by which you live.

Fear, envy and guilt are feelings that interfere with enjoying life. To be here and now, to be in a situation, and not in thoughts and fantasies that take you away from life. And it turns out that a person, instead of living, enjoying life, wastes precious time on fear, envy and guilt.

A healthy person does not feel guilty, he is annoyed.

So, when we fail, we get angry, feel frustrated and start looking for ways to do it, for example, to succeed or to experience joy.

Sometimes a person limits himself from happiness, pushes it aside, fences himself off, does everything possible to stay unhappy.

This is very common, and it is not without reason that there are sayings: "Whoever laughs a lot now will cry a lot later." As if happiness is achieved only when you suffer before it.

Or the fact that one cannot be too happy, otherwise then there will certainly be a punishment.

These and other attitudes, which are given by the parents and the inner circle of the child, then have a strong impact on his subsequent adult life, making it less colorful and more restrained and cut down.

The fear of losing a loved one is one of the most common phobias. Sooner or later, you have to face loss, be it parting or even the death of a person. The latter can be called the most painful experience. It takes a long time to return to normal. Other close people motivate to live further. But as a result of psychological trauma, a person may have a panic fear of losing them. Sometimes it grows to a mental disorder - neurosis or phobia. This kind of glamor makes life a hell. The peculiarity of this phobia is that its owner does not come into contact with the fearful object: it is abstract, you cannot escape from it.

The line between common fear and phobia

People often confuse simple fear and phobia, but these are incomplete synonyms. These concepts differ in the cause of occurrence. Fear is a natural response to real danger. It is laid by nature for self-preservation. Phobia is an obsession in the subconscious of a person. He realizes that he experiences fear without a rational reason, but is unable to control the situation and cope with it on his own. That is, a phobia is a pathological fear imposed on oneself (or someone else), which has no logical explanation. The individual reacts inadequately to the situation, reaching the strongest panic attacks.

In our time, this picture is common. People can be afraid of anything, even good news (eupophobia), poetry (metrophobia), cheese (turrophobia), or harmless flowers (antophobia). Fortunately, phobias are treatable.

What is the phobia of losing a loved one called?

To answer what the fear of losing loved ones is called, you need to understand what exactly is considered a loss: the usual separation or death? In the first case, we are talking about one of the types of social phobia - In the second - about thanatophobia, from the Greek "thanatos" - "death", as they called the god of sleep. Throughout the history of mankind, the natural fear of death (their own and those of those close to them) was inherent in people. After all, no one knows what exactly one has to face on the other side.

Such fear can appear at any moment: life is unpredictable, and close people are dear to everyone. A child is afraid of losing his parents, an adult - a child or other loved one. But if fear turns into an obsession, this leads to a real mental disorder and prevents both the owner of the phobia and his loved ones from living peacefully. Fear of loss can deprive an individual of sleep or even lead to suicide. Sometimes it is so irrational that it appears even in the presence of people whom a person is afraid of losing. In such cases, only a specialist can help, for example, a psychologist-hypnologist Nikita V. Baturin.

Fear of loss symptoms

The fear of losing a loved one is referred to as a mental disorder such as a phobia if the following symptoms appear:

obsessive bad thoughts about how scary it is to be left alone after the end of the relationship, and what people will think;
a strong fear that a loved one is in danger when there are no obvious reasons for this and in fact nothing threatens him;
increased heart rate;
increase / decrease in pressure;
shiver;
shortness of breath;
asthenia;
sweating of the palms;
chest pain;
nervousness, aggression;
headaches;
loss of consciousness at the thought that the person will leave;
obsession with experiences;
ignoring the facts and rational arguments of the causelessness of this fear;
presenting horrifying pictures for no reason or under the influence of bad news;
excessive concern about loved ones, too frequent calls to find out if they are doing well;
tantrums and nervous breakdowns even about partings for a short time.

Most often, depression manifests itself in people aged 30-50 years.

Reasons for fear of losing a person

To get rid of a phobia, you should identify its origins, and not work on eliminating the symptoms. The fear seems unfounded, but it doesn't just appear.

Causes of thanatophobia:

Childhood trauma

Many phobias and other mental disorders have their origins in childhood. The fear of losing a loved one can arise if the mother leaves the baby alone for a long time. He has a special bond with his mother, and when she is not around, the baby begins to worry. He feels insecure. If this becomes a trend, the child develops a negative reaction in the form of tantrums to parting with the closest person, and on this basis a phobia can form.

Among other causes of childhood traumas leading to thanatophobia, there are parents' divorce, the death of a family member, and the absence of a father. Some children like to scare their younger siblings, saying that some monster might come and take the baby away from mom. The child believes and begins to get nervous, throw tantrums. It can reach the strong, especially during a long separation from the mother.

Observing how loved ones suffer after loss

Children see the reaction of an older brother or sister who is abandoned by a partner. They openly show sadness and aggression, and the baby remembers and copies such behavior. Subsequently, he may begin to be afraid of love contacts: for him, they are associated with disappointment and pain. And if he himself goes through such an experience, he will be even more sure that the fear is not far-fetched. The same happens when a child sees how painful the parents are going through a divorce.

Loss of a loved one

Many had to go through the death of a loved one. This can happen as early as childhood. The child begins to realize that his loved ones are short-lived, and is horrified at the thought of this. He begins to fear a repetition of such grief, which always comes unexpectedly and completely unsettles a person. It's hard to realize that there will be no more opportunity to see your loved one and talk to him. After such a shake-up, the individual becomes more sensitive and susceptible to thanatophobia, he begins to see the danger for himself and his loved ones everywhere. And even the death of a stranger, which he had to witness, can affect this way.

External influence

The media are much more likely to report not pleasant, but tragic cases. This negatively affects even not the most impressionable people and programs them to feel fear for themselves and their loved ones, which can take over their minds to such an extent that a person follows every step of loved ones, trying to protect them from danger. Often this behavior can be off-putting and lead to a breakup.

Suspiciousness and distrust

Sensitive and suspicious people tend to fixate on the negative. Any action or event, in their opinion, should lead to bad consequences. Such people often feel distrust of their partner and that he will deceive them and leave.

Self-doubt

Some people feel that they are not good enough for their partner, so he may leave. They feel that they are being deceived by talking about love, because they do not love themselves. Low self-esteem leads to obsessive thoughts and unreasonable jealousy, which negatively affects relationships. Such people require constant attention, try to manipulate a partner, make him feel sorry for him, control his every step, and no one likes this.

Obsession with a partner

Some people give themselves completely to relationships, dissolve in them and think only of their partner. He becomes a whole world for them. All their desires and goals are reduced to meeting the needs of the object of their love. At the same time, they do not notice anything else, not even themselves. If the partner suddenly disappears, there will be nothing more. Because of this abnormal addiction, there is an unbearable fear of losing a loved one. Just thinking about it can lead to hysteria.

In order not to become a victim of your attachment, you should learn to perceive yourself as a separate and integral person, engage in self-development and provide personal space for both yourself and your partner.

Postpartum depression

Many new mothers are panicky afraid of harming their child and even fear his death. This is the result of postpartum depression, which occurs due to hormonal changes in the body. There is a complete confusion in their head and terrible pictures are drawn. Some even need urgent medical attention.

To overcome this condition, you do not need to hesitate to tell your loved ones or a psychologist about it. Otherwise, it can negatively affect the child, because he feels the mood of his mother.

Consequences of thanatophobia

As a result of an obsessive fear of losing loved ones, a person begins to have insomnia or too often has nightmares, after which he wakes up in a cold sweat. When the situation aggravates, he will periodically have nervous breakdowns, which can lead to such a disease as mental neurosis. Lack of appetite and weight loss are also observed.

A person with such a phobia may have hallucinations that he has harmed a loved one. He lives in constant fear of doing something bad in anger and tries to isolate himself from people. Such inappropriate behavior is reflected in a person's family. They start to fear for his mental state. As a result, this situation prevents everyone from living fully.

How to get rid of the fear of loss on your own?

If a person himself notices something strange in his behavior, and fear is still at the initial level, then you can try to help yourself on your own, without involving specialists. There are several ways that you can help reduce or eliminate the fear of losing loved ones:

Honestly and openly tell your loved ones about your problem. Talk to them as often as possible to calm down. Together with them, it will be easier to cope with your phobia.
Think about the value of the words and deeds of those around you. If they do something pleasant, you should notice it and thank them for it, then there will be more good moments and positive emotions in life.
Try to help people and be kinder to them, even to strangers.
Learn and live no matter what. The fact that we are all short-lived is very hard to accept. But this cannot be avoided, so don't get hung up like that. You need to be ready for everything and fixate on the good moments so as not to overshadow them with bad thoughts.
Learn to be more relaxed about death, to accept this fact. Who said this is necessarily bad? Perhaps there we will all meet with our loved ones and a new life. It is no coincidence that this view is found in many religions of the world.
Use breathing techniques to overcome fear: take a deep breath, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Do no more than 7 reps.
Tune in to the positive with the help of self-hypnosis. When panic approaches, you need to convince yourself that nothing terrible will happen and cannot happen. You can remember something good or read a book / watch a movie with an easy plot and a good ending to distract and calm down. It is better not to watch the news, as negative events are most often covered in them.
Drink soothing herbal teas before bed.
Arrange for yourself at home aromatherapy sessions with essential oils of lavender, lemon balm, chamomile and others. At the same time, you need to relax, close your eyes and listen to calm, flowing music.
Load yourself up with work and not waste time on unnecessary thoughts that generate phobias.
Think about the present, live here and now, and not get attached to the sad past and not look with apprehension into the unknown future. The past cannot be changed, and the future cannot be predicted.
Try to understand that such obsessive fear only harms relationships with those who are afraid to lose.

Specialist help: from fear of losing a loved one - to love without fear

If fear becomes permanent and interferes with a normal life, you should think about going to a specialist. Different specialists are involved in the treatment of thanatophobia, depending on the situation and the degree of disorder:

The psychologist identifies the symptoms, the causes of the phobia, the stage of its development. To do this, already at the first session, the specialist asks the client a variety of questions about his fear. Thus, a person sees his phobia from the outside. The client is then asked to describe how they feel when fear arises. Then the psychologist plunges him into this state, asking him to close his eyes and imagine a frightening picture, and then suggests changing it to a pleasant one. The goal of such exposure therapy is to learn how to overcome your fears and switch to something good when the phobia is activated. The number of such sessions varies from 5 to 10.
The therapist also makes every effort to identify the cause of the fear as deeply as possible and help the client to transform it. For example, existential psychotherapy helps to overcome a phobia. A person must realize what he lives for, what his values \u200b\u200bare and how to live in accordance with them.
The psychiatrist prescribes sedatives, tranquilizers, and antidepressants. Psychotherapists also use this method of treatment in certain cases.
Sometimes people turn to a hypnologist for help, who helps to eliminate the root of the problem, since irrational fears appear on an unconscious level.

It is better to turn to multidisciplinary specialists who will identify the complete picture of the disorder and help in various ways. For example, such specialists include psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

The fear of losing a loved one can appear in anyone. There are a variety of reasons for this - from observing other people's suffering to experiencing their own loss. Usually, the phobia begins in childhood, but it can also occur in adulthood under the influence of any events or negative media news.

It is important to recognize the symptoms in time and identify the causes of fear. In the early stages, you can help yourself on your own, but it is better to trust experienced professionals.