Our expert: Nadezhda Barysheva, PhD, psychotherapist-psychiatrist at the Center for Innovative Psychotherapy
Psychologists have this opinion on this matter: to be yourself is to feel global satisfaction, confidence that everything in your life is going right. No, money and positions are not raining down on you from the sky, you, like all people, face difficulties every day. But all this does not stop you from being sure that you are moving in the right direction.
Unfortunately, most of us have problems with such confidence. From birth, a person begins to “overgrow” with rules and guidelines. Parents teach you how to behave and where to strive, school teaches you how to survive in society, the example of successful acquaintances beckons you to follow their path and also become the owner of a big house and a small dog. And then Facebook scrolls through your feed every day happy life friends. How can you not want to go to a cafe for cupcakes, get married and go to the islands at the same time!
This material was prepared for you by the magazine team Cosmopolitan Psychology
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And so you became a good daughter, an excellent worker, settled in a big house with a small dog, and even made it to Cuba. But you don’t feel happiness, that same global satisfaction, from all this. And it happens that you are running after your dreams and “ideal” life, and they, like in a nightmare, only move away. And it seems that there will be no end to this marathon, and you are already exhausted...
It's time to stop and think whether you are living your life and chasing your dreams.
Oddly enough, the signal that we have taken a wrong turn somewhere is given to us, first of all, by the body. Something starts to hurt us—stomach, heart, head. There are problems with breathing, a feeling of a lump in the throat. We tell doctors about our problems, and they shrug their shoulders in response - the examination shows that everything is in order. Later, irritability and depression arise. At detailed work with a psychologist, it turns out that a person who is burdened by his existence is susceptible to all these ailments; he does not like the life he lives.
Interference on the road
What prevents us from being ourselves, and therefore becoming happier?
Family scenario
It is usually “written” by parents. First, the mother sent her child to a dance school (she dreamed of becoming a ballerina since childhood, but it didn’t work out), then the father paid for admission to a prestigious university (he doesn’t mind anything for the happiness of his little one), and then everyone in unison persuaded the daughter to marry a good man ( you will be behind him like behind a stone wall). And ten years later, the girl sits at a psychologist’s appointment and shares her “joy”: “Everything seems to be fine with me - my husband, home, children. But why do you want to hang yourself so much?..”
It is extremely difficult to jump off the path along which we were sent. Moreover, it is not even easy for us to realize that we are not following our own path. After all, everyone around you is saying - you are doing everything right, this is how it should be, this is your purpose, your life. And we nod in agreement and... complain about headaches and chronically bad mood.
To understand what is happening, listen to how you speak. Remember, how often do you repeat phrases from your parents’ repertoire? It’s easier to understand if from time to time you hear from friends and your man something like “you sound just like your mother.” Analyze these phrases and you will understand what “insertions” into your life scenario you inherited from your parents.
Fear of change
It paralyzes, drowns out the inner voice, and prevents one from hearing one’s desires. Some serious shock must occur in a person’s life—love, divorce, illness—for him to decide to radically change everything. A series of events that build on top of each other and lead to a boiling point can also move us toward change. In this case, a mere trifle can serve as a catalyst. For example, you put up with a hysterical boss for two years, and you quit because one morning a colleague simply didn’t say hello to you.
Fulcrum
Usually we look for it not within ourselves, but in those around us. We try with all our might to please them and build our self-confidence on their approval. But this support often turns out to be flimsy and unreliable - children grow up, parents leave, husbands and friends change interests. And then it seems to us that the ground is disappearing from under our feet and everything is collapsing.
It is much more profitable and correct to have a fulcrum within yourself. Consciously separate your desires from the desires of society. A psychotherapist, yoga and other spiritual practices can help with this.
Emotional connections
It is interesting that during evolution, the so-called sensory neurons appeared first, and then brain cells began to form. Therefore, when we are overwhelmed by emotions, mind and logical thinking are switched off. Emotional connections entangle each of us with invisible threads, tightly tying us to the people we care about. We are all immersed in emotions: constantly replaying grievances and romantic moments in our heads, diving headlong into anger or guilt. This is why the number of people with neurotic conditions in any developed country is off the charts. We follow not our lives, but our emotions. A person of an African tribe will not even understand the question - what does it mean to live a life that is not your own. He does not reflect on any occasion, but simply enjoys every day. Or sad if something bad happened. But not for long. And it is useful for us sometimes to follow his example.
Habits
It often happens like this: we understand that we feel bad, but this familiar “bad” is safer than some mythical “good”. And when we try to break out of our usual habitat, a nasty voice appears in our head: “Do you know what awaits you in this wonderful future? That's right - no. Maybe we shouldn't go then? Here everything is clear, we have been sitting here for a long time and we know everything. So what if you don’t live the way you want? Your parents lived like this, but why are you better?” A simple question often helps to drown out this voice: what will I lose if I take the risk? Even if nothing works out, I will simply return to my usual state, to my familiar warm swamp. They say correctly: it is better to try and regret it than not to try at all.
So if you are standing at a crossroads, and on the stone in front of you it is written “The usual life” and “Your life”, feel free to take a step towards the latter. Walking this road may not be easy, but it is certainly exciting!
Friendly with your head
It is difficult for us to make a decision when we are inside the situation. And if you are confused, then you should look at the problem from the outside. Calmly, with a clear mind. Decisions made at the peak of emotions - that's it! I'm leaving your job! You are bothering me! - are often incorrect. Take a time out, sit or walk in a quiet place and think it through. If, after changing your life picture, you do not change your mind, act quickly, boldly, without delay.
Stand in a circle
People can realize themselves in three areas - personal life (hobbies, friends), work, family. And a person experiences happiness, which means he lives his life if these areas develop harmoniously. To understand whether this is so, mentally draw a circle and divide it into three parts - three areas of life. Now think about which ones you spend more time, energy and desires on, and which ones you spend less on. If, for example, you devote yourself entirely to work, then your personal life and family suffer. If you find the strength to pay equal attention to family and work, then your personal life sags. And it is equal in importance to the other two areas. After all, it is from creativity and communication with friends that we draw positive emotions that help us cope with important, but not very interesting things. When you understand which area is deprived of your attention and eliminate the imbalance, your life will become an order of magnitude happier.
My own director
Yuri Kondratyev, Ph.D., psychologist and teacher in the UNIK Mama program, mamaznaetvse.ru
“Living your life is essentially living outside the script. Do what you want, and only that way. But, as a rule, in order to do what you want, you need to understand your own desires and know how to realize them.
In psychology there is the so-called “holy trinity” - responsibility/control/guilt. I usually invite clients to consider the difficulties in their lives based on it. We must understand that if I am in control of my destiny as an adult, I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and don’t allow other people’s hopes and desires to “hang” on me (plus I don’t feel guilty about anything), then I live my life. In this case, I have enough resources left for efforts, to fight laziness, to implement plans and etc.
If I don’t live my own life, I automatically begin to live someone else’s - this is a simple law of addition. In psychology this is called compensatory activity. I have a friend who is constantly trying to navigate her married friends with many children. She herself is not married and has no children. Sometimes her actions reach the point of absurdity. Recently she came to our general get-together in maternity clothes, since two of the five girls present there were in interesting position. A friend motivated her outfit by saying that it suits her very well. I bet this is not true. There are many similar examples. And each person has their own reasons for doing this.
As for the pursuit of social benefits or trying to live the right life of good girls and boys, to be “like everyone else” - this is, in fact, a global abdication of responsibility. If you watch beauty pageants, you know that in the final the winner usually says: “I am for world peace!” If we decipher this, then she says the following: I don’t plan to do anything, or at least I’m not ready to take responsibility for my life.
To avoid the impression that avoiding responsibility has a clear gender connotation, I suggest recalling a great cartoon about a man who was idle and endlessly vowed to give his beloved a star and take her to the edge of the Universe, while she endlessly scrubbed her pan. And if you continue the storyline, then the girl, tired of hearing about the star, will begin to “nag” her husband - and she will have a feeling of guilt. Then they both will begin to lose control of the situation and will definitely not be able to live their lives. And it all started with a release of responsibility.”
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that any negative psycho-emotional states, including fears, we experience due to childhood psychotraumas, severe stress or insufficient realization of our innate properties.
It is difficult to find a person among us for whom the problem of fear has never interfered with his life. Some are afraid of disgracing themselves, others are afraid of going crazy, contracting a terrible disease, or stopping breathing in their sleep. There are people who have the problem of multiple fears - they are afraid of everything in the world: the sight of blood during a fight, a visit to the dentist, heights, flying on an airplane, sudden death. How to stop being afraid and start living, instead of endlessly suffocating from phobias?
The problem of fear has many faces.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives an accurate diagnosis of the problem of fear in each specific case. She explains that we experience any negative psycho-emotional states due to childhood psychotrauma, severe stress or insufficient realization of our innate properties.
Let's figure out what and why you are afraid.
The most fearful: how to stop being afraid of everything in the world
The problem of multiple fears is inherent in carriers. Both girls and boys with this vector are distinguished by high emotionality. The basis of all visual fears is the first human emotion - the fear of death. They can really be scared of everything. Able to faint at the sight of blood, a fight, or when visiting the dentist.
A rich imagination “throws up” images of sudden death - a plane crash, a fall from a height, a car accident or a maniac around the corner. The only way to get out of fear for visual guys and girls is to sensually focus on the problems of other people. When the viewer's emotions are realized through compassion, fears go away. Those who have mastered this skill say this:
How to stop being afraid of shame
The most fearless
Owners are fearless by nature. Being true “leaders”, they are able to give their lives for the good of their “pack”.
It is unbearable suffering for a urethral patient to be unable to go outside, to give. Fear somewhat similar to claustrophobia. After all, this is a vector directed to the future. And the future cannot be limited, otherwise it simply will not exist.
The problem of fear can be solved
Whatever the reason for your fear, you can get rid of it. You can understand the nature of your psyche and stop being afraid at free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. .
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»To do or not to do? To try or not to try? Most people don't or don't try. Uncertainty and fear of failure outweigh the desire to succeed and be happy. For years I set goals, promised myself I would find my way, but nothing happened because I was scared and unsure, like so many in this world.
As time went on, I made mistakes and failed, but then I created a checklist that makes the decision-making process much easier. If you are afraid to make bold decisions, this will be your antidote. Try not to think about the question for more than two minutes and write down your answers.
1. Imagine the worst case scenario
What doubts arise when you think about changes you could or should make? Imagine them in great detail. Will this be the end of the world? How will they affect your life on a scale of 1 to 10? Will this impact be temporary, long-term or permanent?
2. What steps can you take if you fail?
You took a risk, but didn't get what you dreamed of. Think about how you can take control of the situation.
A person's success is measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations they have.
3. What results or benefits can you get if possible scenario is it being implemented?
By now, you have already identified the worst-case scenario. Now think about the positive results, both internal (gaining confidence, increasing self-esteem) and external. How significant will their impact on your life be (from 1 to 10)? How likely is a positive scenario? Find out if anyone has done something similar before.
4. If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to avoid financial difficulties?
Imagine what you would do and return to questions 1-3. Ask yourself: how quickly can I return to my previous career if I quit my job now to try to do what I dream of?
5. What actions do you put off because of fear?
We are usually most afraid of doing what matters most right now. We often hesitate to make an important call and can’t arrange a meeting because we don’t know what will come of it. Identify the worst case scenario, accept it and take the first step. You might be surprised, but a person's success is measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations they have.
It’s better to take a risk and lose than to regret an unused chance all your life
Promise yourself to regularly do something you're afraid of. I picked up this habit when I was trying to contact famous people to get advice from them.
6. What are the physical, emotional and financial losses because you put off your actions until later?
It is unfair to think only about the negative consequences of actions. You also need to evaluate the possible results of your inaction. If you don't do what inspires you now, what will happen to you in a year, five or ten years? Are you ready to continue living as before for many years to come? Imagine yourself in the future and rate how likely it is that you will see a person disappointed in life, bitterly regretting that he did not do what he should have done (from 1 to 10). It’s better to take a risk and lose than to regret an unused chance all your life.
Instructions
Adoption
First you must understand that it is completely normal to be afraid. This is typical for any person, so you shouldn’t be ashamed of your feelings. You have the right to be afraid, just like everyone else. Accept it and remember it. Denying a phobia also does not help get rid of it. Do not hide that you are afraid, this is the first step to deliverance.
To fight fears, you need to understand where their root is. Analyze what exactly scares you. The fear of getting burned is real, but the fear of failure is not. Most fears are illusory, which means you will be fighting with yourself.
Aggression
Many psychologists practice transforming fear into aggression with their patients. Anger displaces the fear of phenomena; it pushes a person to accomplish and overcome himself. It’s easier to stop being afraid through this method.
Breathing exercises
It has been proven that breathing exercises not only help fight fear, but also help rationalize thinking. Saturating the brain with oxygen has a calming effect. Such a pause helps to gather strength and try to overcome the phobia again.
Shapiro method
Changing your condition is a whole science. Controlling your emotions means you can reduce your fear. Shapiro's method involves reducing fear through exercise. You must imagine yourself in a safe place. Then choose two points that are convenient for you to follow with your eyes. Think about your fear and move your pupils from left to right. After 20-30 such manipulations, think about the sensations. Remember a safe place. After a few sessions you will feel that your fear is decreasing.
Exercises with imagination
Psychologists use the “Cinema” exercise when it is necessary to show the patient that his fear is controlled by himself. You can do the same yourself. Imagine that you are in a cinema hall. On the screen, in a black and white film, you perform simple, everyday actions. Then imagine yourself experiencing a situation that frightens you. Take a deep breath. Now visualize yourself rewinding what was shown in color. Over time, a feeling of minimizing fear comes. This effective method, demonstrating how to stop being afraid.
Calming phrases
The power of your own words remains underestimated. Many people in a critical situation begin to reassure others, convincing them that everything is fine. Calm intonation and an even voice send a signal to the brain to stop panicking. When fear manifests itself, use words and expressions that carry hidden meaning specifically for you. This will help you concentrate and cope with yourself.
Each of us is familiar with the feeling of fear. Moreover, some people are so afraid of certain things that they cannot control themselves. Often fear leads to trembling knees, numbness and the inability to do anything. In cases where completely ordinary objects, people or events become the cause of phobias, fear can significantly overshadow daily life, so it is imperative to fight it.
Overcoming fear is a rather difficult task. Very often, men and women who are tormented by one or another phobia turn to a professional psychologist for advice. There is nothing reprehensible in this, because strong fear at its core, this is a rather serious disease, the treatment of which may require the help of a qualified doctor.
However, in most cases, you can cope with your phobias on your own, without resorting to the services of a specialist.
In this article we offer you several useful tips and recommendations that will definitely help you understand that you don’t need to be afraid of anything or anyone in life.
What fears do most people have?
Most people are afraid of the same thing.
So, the most common phobias among the population are the following:
How to learn not to be afraid of anything in life?
Despite the fact that people have different phobias, the mechanism for getting rid of any fears and concerns is by and large the same. In fact, overcoming the fear of someone or something is not so difficult, but for this you need to do serious work on yourself. Professional psychologists, through various conversations, trainings and influences on the human psyche, make it so that he understands that he has nothing left to be afraid of.
The following tips and recommendations will help you cope with fears on your own and understand how not to be afraid of anything or anyone:
There is no need to be afraid of anything at all!