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Quite often we express our critical opinions regarding other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these comments are expressed behind the scenes, but the rest have to be dealt with face to face. The boundaries of criticism extend from light “tingling” (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-order. Are there people who enjoy criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others fail to do so.

Criticism: good and different

Let's start with the fact that criticism can be different - constructive and unconstructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not two, but four types:

• constructive both in form and content;
• constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
• constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
• unconstructive both in form and content.

Example: The housewife wife did not have time to prepare dinner for her husband’s arrival and asked him to wait for half an hour. The husband is very hungry, and he also warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How might his criticism sound?

“I’m upset that you didn’t prepare dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I’m very hungry. I ask you to time it better next time.” This criticism is constructive in both form and content. The wife will most likely react calmly and take the criticism into account for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.

"I think you need to think about your ability to plan your day. You're not doing it well yet." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an inappropriate generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was planned well: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, clean up the house, pick up the child from school and take him to additional classes, bring him home, feed him. She had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner was not at all the result of poor planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (with aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself unfairly affected. However, if the husband is accustomed to criticizing in a constructive manner, then perhaps the wife is also accustomed to responding constructively. It is quite possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.

"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why should I wait, coming home hungry after working day?!" This criticism is generally correct in content, but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will make excuses, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate in front of him in half an hour with food. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, since there is a rational grain in the criticism, but her mood will be ruined. Despite the fact that her husband was right in essence of the message, she will feel offended. Evening (perhaps more than one) will be spoiled.When this situation is repeated frequently, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.

"Incompetent! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn his wife’s actions, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and moreover, in a rude form. Secondly, such “criticism” does not bring any benefit; it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person’s actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst type of criticism, literally “corroding”, like rust, any relationship.

Thus, completely constructive criticism “works” best, i.e. correct in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, since it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, and mistakes. And precisely because she speaks out correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is the one that has the greatest chance of being heard and perceived.

The remaining types of criticism are mainly negative emotions, lead to defensive reactions of either self-justification, or repelling the “attack,” or to silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relationships or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game,” when the criticized person is so dependent on the critic that he cannot break off the relationship and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is a path of dissatisfaction, leading to depression and emotional outbursts.

Who criticizes us and why?

As we have found out, criticism is often unconstructive, and therefore we are accustomed to internally defend ourselves against it. What are the main motives of those who criticize?

They want to assert themselves by putting us down. There are people who want to criticize everything and everyone. Any action of others (be it a relative, friend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate in terms of why it is wrong. And often they immediately give this information to the recipient. These people appear to be confident know-it-alls, but in reality they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else’s “mistake,” and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is unconstructive: they often immediately say that “something” is bad, but cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - to increase self-esteem. Therefore, it is almost impossible to please such people, no matter how much you act according to their advice.

They envy us. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, camouflagedly criticizing what he envies: “This dress suits you very well, it’s beautiful hides the imperfections of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind the mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, even if she has something that I don’t have, but I told her that!

They want to spoil the mood, because... disliked. If a relationship with someone does not work out, if there is a constant background of dissatisfaction, then the ground arises for constant criticism. This can happen between a daughter-in-law and colleagues, or “sworn” friends. A person who dislikes another will look for the slightest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled (“What delicious pancakes! Nevermind that you wasted half a bottle of butter”), sometimes direct (“What kind of housewife are you if you don’t even know how to wash dishes!”). This criticism shows the general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.

They strive to throw out their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has troubles at work, then, most likely, his loved ones will serve as a “lightning rod”. Coming home to bad mood, he finds a couple of critical comments for those around him: a child watching a cartoon (“You’re not doing anything useful, you’re lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) and the rest of the family. This “criticism,” unfortunately, is an established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can calmly ask: “Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think about it together.” Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, simply distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.

They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in a store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“The color, style, figure doesn’t suit you with this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy was opening in the department for higher position and begins to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this place.

And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, girlfriends, colleagues tell us something unpleasant, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Internally, we ourselves experienced remorse, and the words of others in this case show us: other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for a while our experiences intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but an inner voice tells us: “You understand that you were wrong. Don’t try to deceive yourself.” If those around you remain silent, for fear of offending, the person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also reinforce erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” with it, since those around them have remained silent. There is no need to defend yourself from constructive criticism, you need to recognize it and process it, and if your spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.

All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but it is well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or to “get a ride” at our expense. In every situation when criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look “beyond” it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you react correctly.

You are criticized: how to react?

The tactics we use when we hear criticism directed at us can be very different. Moreover, it varies for the same person, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relationships with others. How could it be otherwise if criticism is a significant part of communication?

There are five main types of reactions to criticism.

"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, cultivated from childhood. This is exactly the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you look guilty and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy when they grow up - they begin to make excuses. They want them to “get into their position,” “show understanding,” and, in the end, feel sorry for them. They speak in such a pleading and uncertain tone that their words cannot be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees “sincere” repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new justifications, but in dialogue with himself. This takes away strength and energy that could be spent on useful activities. A person’s mood decreases, and he feels insecure and unable to defend his position.

"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in return. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: “I’m like that!” The answer is often harsh, sometimes insulting. There can be no question of any constructive dialogue, because... The defender activates a powerful defense mechanism through attack. If a person uses this method often, then he gets the reputation of being unbalanced and not very smart, unable to accept a word of criticism. A social “vacuum” may form around him, because any communication is impossible without a bit of criticism. Those around him will be afraid to say anything “sharp” to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations) will cease to reach his ears.

"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also “grows” from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person can deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where our opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the photocopier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: “It wasn’t me who removed your disks, you probably removed them yourself and forgot!” An interesting situation arises when a critic provides evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes confusion among others, and those who deny are assigned the label of “eccentrics.”

How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other “-senior”) people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to use alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but “put it” in its place. The main tactics are:

• You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (even in a separate part), then admit it out loud; if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. You try to conduct further discussion in a constructive manner. If the conversation takes the form of a quarrel, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
• Keep quiet, trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment, devaluing criticism. A silent pause will be your assistant at first: during it you will be able to pacify your emotions and think about criticism.
• You answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
• Change the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
• Postponing the conversation until later to take the necessary “time out” to think. Sometimes you can directly say, “I need time to think about what you said, and we will come back to this conversation later,” and sometimes you can simply refer to “urgent” matters to gain time.

"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, remains silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to the accumulation of misunderstanding, because problems remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves without letting it out. This may lead to chronic diseases(hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, vegetative-vascular dystonia). Silence, along with internal feelings, is one of the worst ways to react to criticism, literally “corroding” a person from the inside.

"Analysis". This is the most correct way to respond to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative reciprocal emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond correctly to it. Such a reaction helps a person to take away the “rational grain” from criticism and promotes personal growth.

If calmly analyzing criticism is the best way, does that mean that all others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just need to stop being familiar and be used in appropriate situations.

Learning to respond to criticism correctly

The first component in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, uncertain, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:

• Try to cope with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to react correctly. A good helper is the “dissociation” method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in a theater, and action was happening on stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
• Don't show emotions. Even if you were unable to cope with your emotions (and this happens when the negativity is too strong, and the blow hits a sore spot), do not show it. If a person was striving for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood, or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him such pleasure.
• Speak confidently. The tone of your voice shows how much self-control you have. “Correct” phrases spoken in a quiet, doubtful tone will be regarded as an attempt to justify yourself. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.

The second component of response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you cope with your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him back on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. The moment of rational analysis never comes. And we need to learn to make our head “turn on” almost immediately.

First of all, you must determine how constructive the criticism is, both in form and content. Because our emotions react primarily to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you have dealt with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in the criticism.

After assessing the criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to thinking about the opponent’s goals behind the criticism. To clarify your motives, you can ask a direct question: “What do you want to achieve by telling me about this?” Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, by criticizing you, he is striving for his own goals, but sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where criticism comes from.

Having assessed the constructiveness of the criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important to you in this situation: feel like a winner at all costs or save the relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important to us that we must discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.

So, now you are ready to properly assess the criticism directed at you and respond appropriately. Perhaps at first this will take a significant amount of time, and you will take a “silent pause”, move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” so much that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructiveness of criticism and your opponent’s goals in half a minute.

Yulia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the magazine "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007

Today I continue the topic of the Philosophy of an Entrepreneur section with philosophical quotes from an outstanding personality, an idol of millions, a philosopher and a master martial arts- Bruce Lee.

I did a little work and prepared a short video. You will also find the text of philosophical quotes below. Enjoy watching everyone.

I remember how I went to the video salon to see the first film starring Bruce Lee, “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce made a huge impression on me. This won’t surprise anyone now, but at that time (the 90s) it was just space.

But that's another story. I won’t, as they say, “pull the tires.” Read, leave your comments. Once again I present: quotes from the idol of many - Bruce Lee, section.

29 Philosophical Quotes from Bruce Lee

1. It doesn't matter how slowly you go, the main thing is that you don't stop.

2. Defeat is not defeat unless you recognize it as such in your mind.

3. True friends are like diamonds - precious and rare. False friends are like autumn leaves - they are everywhere.

4. Study everyone you come into contact with.

5. My choice is martial arts, my profession is an actor. My the main role- artist of life.

6. If you are criticized, it means you are doing everything right. Because people attack anyone who has a brain.

7. What you think about is what you become.

8. A quick temper will soon make a fool of you.

9. Gentleness cannot be broken.

10. It doesn’t matter what you give, it’s how you give.

11. Free your brain, become incorporeal, formless - like water. Imagine that you pour water into a cup - it becomes a cup; if you pour it into a teapot, it becomes a teapot. Water can flow, it can creep, it can drip or break - be water, my friend.

12. The worst opponent you can face is an opponent who is determined and who has a clear understanding of his goal. For example, if such a person is determined to bite off your nose, he has a fairly high chance of doing so.

13. If I tell you that I'm a great guy, you'll think I'm bragging. If I tell you that I am worthless, you will know that I am lying.

14. Be soft, but not submissive, be firm, but not cruel.

15. Empty heads have long tongues.

16. The goal does not have to be achieved. Sometimes it's just a direction to move forward.

17. My main enemy is myself.

18. You can always forgive yourself for mistakes, if only you have the courage to admit them.

19. Use only what really works. And take it from wherever you can find it.

20. A good fighter is not the one who is tense, but the one who is ready. He doesn't think or dream, he's ready for anything that might happen.

21. I am not afraid of the one who studies 10,000 different blows. I'm afraid of the one who studies one blow 10,000 times.

22. Simplicity is the highest level of art.

23. Once upon a time there lived a butcher, and he had a knife that remained perfectly sharp year after year. When the butcher was asked how he managed to keep the blade in this condition, he answered: “ I follow the lines of the bone. I'm not trying to cut it, break it, or generally resist it in any way. It will only ruin the knife" In life you need to go along obstacles. If you try to overcome them, it will only do harm.

24. Money as such has no meaning. This is just a tool to achieve certain goals, and you need to understand what they can, and most importantly, what they cannot.

25. Only those who do will learn something.

26. A person is capable of more. The fact is that people live with only a small percentage of what they are capable of:
- a person does not allow himself to open up and be completely himself;
-Society does not allow a person to be completely himself.

27. We must come to terms with the possibility of death. Once you stop dreaming about eternal spring, then both summer and winter will bring happiness.

28. For centuries, the final destiny of heroes was the same as that of ordinary people. They all died and gradually faded from people's memory. But while we are alive, we must understand ourselves, understand ourselves and express ourselves.

29. Don’t forget, my friend, that life is too short to accumulate negative energy. Therefore, have fun planning something and achieving your goals.

P.S. I am sure that much of Bruce Lee's philosophy can be applied not only to your life, but also to business. Leave your comments and thoughts.