Often people have no idea that guilt is a negative emotion, a negative experience that does not cleanse (as many are accustomed to thinking) a person, but drives him into a corner. Feelings of guilt are not a sign of high spirituality, but a sign of human immaturity.
Dealing with what it is - a feeling of guilt - is not at all easy. Some consider it socially useful and even a necessary internal regulator of behavior, while others argue that it is a painful complex.
The word wine itself is often used as a synonym for guilt, while the original meaning of the word is different. “Guilt is a fault, an offense, a transgression, a sin, any unlawful, reprehensible act.” ( Dictionary Russian language" by V. Dahl).
Initially, the word guilt meant either the actual damage caused or material compensation for the damage caused. The culprit is the one who has violated laws or agreements and must compensate for the damage caused.
There is a big difference between “being guilty” and “feeling guilty.” A person is guilty when he knows in advance that he can harm or harm someone or himself by action or word and, nevertheless, does it. The person who caused the damage intentionally or due to criminal negligence is usually found to be at fault.
There are many people who tend to consider themselves guilty, although in reality no intentional damage was caused. They decide that they are guilty because they listen to that “inner voice” that condemns and accuses them, based on those, often false, beliefs and beliefs that, as a rule, were learned in childhood.
Guilt is an unproductive and even destructive emotional reaction of a person to self-blame and self-condemnation. The feeling of Guilt is essentially aggression directed at oneself - it is self-deprecation, self-flagellation, and the desire for self-punishment.
Under the influence of the voice of the “internal Prosecutor”, who pronounces the verdict “it’s all because of you,” such people lose sight of the fact that they actually had no intention to cause harm, and by the way, they “forget” to find out whether they caused damage at all.
A person experiences guilt much more often for something he did not do or could not change than for something he did or could have changed and did not do it. The accumulation of unnecessary and destructive feelings of guilt based on nothing can and should be avoided. It is necessary and possible to get rid of neurotic guilt.
But even when an offense actually occurred, the feeling of guilt remains destructive.
Meanwhile, as a result of realizing the fact of the actual damage caused, people are able to experience various experiences.
An alternative to guilt is the experience of conscience and responsibility.
The difference between guilt on the one hand and conscience and responsibility on the other, in our opinion, is fundamental. And although these are fundamentally different things, many people do not see or understand the difference between them and often confuse these concepts with each other.
Conscience- an internal authority that exercises moral self-control and assessment of one’s own views, feelings, actions, their compliance with one’s self-identity, one’s basic life values and goals.
Conscience manifests itself as an internal, often unconscious prohibition on disapproved actions (including internal ones), as well as a feeling of internal pain, which signals a person about the protest of the internal moral authority against actions taken that contradict one’s own deep system of values and self-identity.
Torment and “remorse” relate to a situation where a person, for some reason, has violated his own moral principle and is intended to deter him from similar actions in the future.
Conscience is closely related to a sense of responsibility. Conscience causes a powerful internal urge to fulfill moral norms, including norms of responsibility.
Responsibility is a sincere and voluntary recognition of the need to take care of oneself and others. A sense of responsibility is the desire to fulfill one’s obligations and, if they are not fulfilled, the willingness to admit a mistake and compensate for the damage caused, to take those actions that are necessary to correct the mistake.
Moreover, responsibility is usually recognized regardless of intention: whoever did it is responsible.
Feeling guilty, a person says to himself: “I am bad, I deserve punishment, there is no forgiveness for me, I give up.” Metaphorically, it is described as a “heavy load” or “that which gnaws.”
When a person is immersed in his guilt, scolding himself for the mistakes he has made, it is very difficult - in fact impossible - to analyze his mistakes, think about how to improve the situation, find the right solution, or actually do something to correct the situation.
Sprinkling ashes on his head (“If I hadn’t done this or done this…. then everything would have been different”), he looks into the past and gets stuck there. While responsibility directs one's gaze to the future and encourages movement forward.
Accepting a position of responsibility is a necessary prerequisite for personal development. The higher a person’s level of personality development, the less likely he is to use such a negative regulator of behavior as guilt.
Guilt causes deep harm to a person. The feeling of guilt, unlike the feeling of responsibility, is unrealistic, vague, and vague. It is cruel and unfair, deprives a person of self-confidence, and reduces self-esteem. Brings a feeling of heaviness and pain, causes discomfort, tension, fears, confusion, disappointment, despondency, pessimism, melancholy. Guilt devastates and takes away energy, weakens, and reduces a person’s activity.
The experience of guilt is accompanied by a painful feeling of one’s own wrongness in relation to another person and, in general, of one’s “badness.”
Chronic guilt turns into a way of perceiving the world, which is reflected even on the bodily level, literally changing the body, and primarily posture. Such people have a dejected posture, hunched shoulders, as if they are carrying the usual “load” on their “hump.” Spinal diseases in the area of the seventh cervical vertebra in many cases (except for obvious injuries) are associated with chronic feelings of guilt.
People who have been carrying chronic guilt since childhood seem to want to take up less space, they have a particularly constrained gait, they never have a wide easy step, free gestures, or a loud voice. It is often difficult for them to look a person in the eyes, they constantly bow their heads low and lower their gaze, and there is a mask of guilt on their face.
For the morally mature and psychologically healthy person there is no feeling of guilt. There is only conscience and a sense of responsibility for every step you take in this world, for agreements made, for choices made and for refusal to choose.
Negative experiences associated with conscience and responsibility cease with the elimination of the cause that caused them. And making any mistake does not lead such a person to a debilitating internal conflict, he does not feel “bad” - he simply corrects the mistake and moves on with his life. And if a specific mistake cannot be corrected, he learns a lesson for the future and the memory of it helps him not to make similar mistakes.
I would like to emphasize that the feeling of guilt, based on self-punishment and self-humiliation, is directed at oneself. A person consumed by guilt and self-flagellation has no time for the real feelings and needs of another.
While experiences caused by conscience include regret about what was done and empathy for the victim. They, at their core, are focused on the state of another person - “his pain hurts in me.”
Willingness to admit one's real guilt is one of the indicators of responsibility, but not sufficient on its own.
Guilt may also (although not always) prompt her confession. However, the very fact of admitting one’s guilt is often presented as sufficient atonement. You can often hear bewilderment: “Well, I admitted that I was guilty and apologized - what else do you want from me?”
But this, as a rule, is not enough for the victim, and if he does not feel the inner truth in this, it is not necessary at all. He wants to hear about specific measures to correct the error or compensate for the damage caused.
It is even more necessary, especially if it is impossible to correct it, to sincerely express empathy and regret to the other, and also (if the action was intentional) also honest repentance. All this is not only necessary for the victim, but also brings relief to the one who caused the real damage.
Where does guilt come from and why is it so widespread?
Why do people hold on to self-blame so much in situations where they are not to blame for anything? The point is that guilt covers up helplessness.The feeling of guilt begins in early childhood under the influence of characteristics mental development child on the one hand and parental influences on the other.
The age of 3-5 years is the age when a persistent feeling of guilt can form as a negative internal regulator of behavior, since it is at this age that the child develops the very ability to experience it, which his parents quickly discover and use.
This age period provides suitable soil for this. “Creative initiative or guilt” - this is what Erik Erikson calls this period and the corresponding main dilemma child development.
Feelings of guilt naturally arise in a child at this age as psychological protection from the terrifying feeling of helplessness and shame associated with the collapse of the sense of his omnipotence he experienced during this period.
The child unconsciously chooses guilt as the lesser of two evils. It’s as if he was unconsciously telling himself “I already feel that I can’t do everything, it’s unbearable, no, it just didn’t work out this time, but actually I can do it. I could, but I did. So it's my fault. I will suffer, and next time it will work if I try.”
With the favorable influences of the parents, the child gradually accepts that he is not omnipotent, overcomes the feeling of guilt, and the dilemma is resolved in favor of the successful development of creative initiative.
With the adverse influences of parents, the child remains for many years, and sometimes for the rest of his life, with a tendency to experience feelings of guilt and restrictions on the manifestation of creative initiative. The “load” of guilt that a person carries with him since childhood, and in adulthood continues to prevent him from living and communicating with people.
Note that although the origins of chronic feelings of guilt lie mainly at the age of 3-5 years, the tendency to feel guilty as a protective mechanism can also turn on in adulthood, even with a relatively favorable childhood.
Thus, the feeling of guilt is one of the obligatory forms of manifestation of the protest phase in the process of experiencing a significant loss, including serious illness and death of loved ones. Protesting the enormity of what happened, before coming to terms with what happened, accepting their helplessness and beginning to mourn, people blame themselves for not doing something to save them, despite the fact that this was objectively absolutely impossible.
With a favorable childhood, this feeling of guilt soon goes away. If a person has a childhood guilt complex, non-existent guilt for the loss can remain in the person’s soul for many years, and the process of experiencing the trauma of loss is not completed.
Thus, instead of experiencing helplessness and shame in situations where we are weak and cannot change anything, people “prefer” a feeling of guilt, which is an illusory hope that things can still be improved.
Those adverse parental influences that induce and shape constant feeling guilt actually comes down to direct accusations and censures, as well as reproaches and reproaches. Such pressure on feelings of guilt is one of the main levers that parents use both to form an internal regulator of behavior (which they confuse with conscience and responsibility), and to quickly control the child in specific situations.
Induced guilt becomes a kind of whip, spurring on the actions that parents seek to induce the child to, and a whip that replaces the cultivation of a sense of responsibility. And parents resort to it, as a rule, because they themselves were raised in exactly the same way and still have not been able to get rid of their own eternal guilt.
Blaming the child is essentially wrong. In principle, he cannot be guilty of what his parents accuse him of, because he is not responsible for his actions at all and is not capable of bearing it. And adults easily shift their responsibility onto the child.
For example: a child is scolded or reproached for breaking a crystal vase. However, it is obvious that when in the house Small child, parents must remove valuable items, it is their responsibility. If anyone is responsible for the broken vase, it is the parents, since the child is not yet able to balance his efforts, control his motor skills, his feelings and impulses and, of course, is not yet able to track the cause-and-effect relationships and consequences of his actions.
Grown people who don't understand psychological characteristics the child is first ascribed to him abilities that he does not have, and then blamed for actions committed due to his absence, as if they were allegedly intentional. For example: “You deliberately don’t fall asleep and don’t feel sorry for me, don’t let me rest, but I’m so tired” or “Couldn’t you really play outside carefully, now I’ll have to wash your jacket, and I’m already tired.”
Even worse, parents and other adults often present the child with an unfair ultimatum: “If you don’t admit your guilt, I won’t talk to you.” And the child is forced to admit non-existent guilt under the threat of a boycott (which is unbearable for the child) or under pain of physical punishment.
Pressure on feelings of guilt is a manipulative influence, which is certainly destructive for the psyche.
For the time being, the child is not able to critically evaluate what is happening to him, so he takes all the actions of his parents at face value and, instead of resisting the destructive effects of parental manipulation, he obediently obeys them.
And as a result of all this, he learns to believe that he is to blame, to feel guilty for non-existent sins and, as a result, to always feel indebted to everyone.
Such unreasonable, usually unconscious and inconsistent pressure from parents and other significant adults to feel guilty leads to confusion in the child’s head. He ceases to understand what is required of him - a feeling of guilt or correction of a mistake.
And although, according to the educational plan, it is assumed that, having done something bad, the child should experience a feeling of guilt and immediately rush to correct his mistake, the child, on the contrary, learns that experiencing and demonstrating his guilt is sufficient payment for the committed offense .
And now, instead of correcting mistakes, parents receive only a guilty look, a plea for forgiveness - “Well, please forgive me, I won’t do this again” - and his difficult, painful, self-destructive feelings of guilt. And the feeling of guilt thus replaces responsibility.
Forming conscience and responsibility is much more difficult than a feeling of guilt and requires strategic rather than situational efforts.
Reproaches and censures - “Aren’t you ashamed!” “How could you, this is irresponsible!” - can only cause feelings of guilt.
Conscience and responsibility require not blame, but a patient and sympathetic explanation to the child of the inevitable consequences for others and for himself of his truly wrong actions. Including, on the one hand, about their pain, awakening not guilt, but empathy, and on the other hand, about the inevitable emotional distance of other people from him if he continues to behave this way. And of course there should be no unfair criticism of a child for something that he could not control.
Helping people change themselves and their lives without the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
From today we are starting a new series of psychological techniques that will help you get rid of self-remorse, feelings of self-contempt - all this is a manifestation of auto-aggression.
Thanks to this technique, you can stop feeling guilty towards someone and change your attitude towards the relationship you are in.
But first, it’s important for us to give you useful information about what auto-aggression is and in what forms it can manifest itself. In the language of psychotherapy, auto-aggression is called retroflexion (“retroflection is “turning towards oneself, towards oneself”). This is what underlies feelings of guilt and self-abasement.
Retroflexive behavior occurs when feelings and actions that a person would like to direct to the external environment, he cannot direct there... And then he boomerangs them back to himself.
Two types of retroflexion.
Retroflection is of two types - “good” and “bad”. We put these words in quotation marks because, of course, there is nothing good in “good retroflection”. This is generally a very bad, destructive avoidance strategy.
"Good retroflexion."
For one reason or another, we sometimes cannot express our pleasant feelings to the world - we were forbidden to do this in childhood, we do not respond with affection to affection, we are shy, we have failed in love or friendship...
Then, as soon as we have a desire to caress someone and, naturally, receive this caress in return, we begin to caress ourselves...
Characteristic gestures of love, approval, friendliness and support not received from other people:
1. stroking oneself on the face, body, arms, stroking, preening.
2. “hugging yourself by the shoulders” pose
3. a hand held out as a support for our head...
4. playing with your hair.
Psychologists call this the formula “I do to myself what I would like to receive from others.”
What's bad about it? A habit arises, generated by a clear, unambiguous prohibition - do not approach the object of your attraction! As soon as an impulse of communication arises, it (the impulse) is blocked, and the person is again left alone with himself. There is no energy exchange. But there is no contact with the person who should be there.
And when no one exchanges energy, then your own energy stagnates like a swamp and turns sour. And self-hugging and self-stroking no longer help, the sense from them becomes less and less over and over again.
"Bad retroflection."
In simple words, this is when certain emotions that were initially directed outward were unable to go there... and were forced to return.
What emotions, directed towards people around us, do we usually not give way to? Only negative and destructive.
And in the “best” case, a person will acquire bad habit blaming yourself for everything, you will become overly vulnerable, sensitive and self-critical. He will consolidate such a character, learn to blame himself for everything, and then Hard case may come.
The main thing is to notice this habit of retroflection in time and wean a person from blaming himself in a situation when it is obvious to everyone that it is more logical to blame the real culprit.
Therefore, the place to direct your righteous anger at the one for whom it is truly intended is we start blaming ourselves for the fact that:
b) I don’t give the impression of an “evil guy”,
c) I go to such shameful cafes,
d) I live in such a shameful society, where everyone is bad, and I am nothing.
The habit of unconscious self-punishment also manifests itself in convulsive gestures and actions:
a) we cut and burn our fingers,
b) we hit our bodies against the furniture, shouting “The furniture in this house hates me!”
c) we bite our lips,
d) pull out hair with a brush,
e) if we are small children, then in general we openly beat ourselves in the body with our fists.
So let's start changing! This psychological technique should help you take the first step towards yourself.
Performing the technique:
Feelings of guilt and self-loathing. This is all retroflection, as described above.
They arise when a person’s relationship with himself is disrupted, all of his interpersonal relationships are also violated.
A person is chronically in bad relationship with himself if he has developed the habit of constantly evaluating himself and comparing his real achievements with his inflated ideals.
So don't hesitate, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as thoroughly as possible in your journal or simply by writing the answers on a piece of paper.
It is difficult to find a person who would never suffer from feelings of guilt - the exception is, perhaps, completely immoral individuals. Usually, a feeling of guilt rolls in if we, voluntarily or unwittingly, have committed some disapproved act. But it happens that feelings of guilt are literally “imposed” on us - by others, society, leaders and even the media.
As a result, it turns out that we live in a constant feeling of our own guilt, which becomes the negative emotional background on the basis of which our self-confidence, career, and personal life gradually collapse.
On the one hand, the feeling of guilt is a kind of control tool that does not allow a person to act in such a way that his actions cause harm to someone. On the other hand, we must remember that guilt is one of the most common weapons of manipulators who secretly destroy our lives.
It is very difficult to do this on your own, but it is quite possible. The origins of the feeling of guilt are hidden far in the subconscious, and any insignificant event can become a “trigger” for the actualization of this state.
It is necessary to distinguish between such concepts as being guilty of something and feeling guilty. If you have caused harm to someone through your actions - no matter material or moral - it is quite natural to feel that you were wrong. In this case, it is enough to realize your mistake, correct it if possible, ask for forgiveness from the victim and, perhaps, somehow punish yourself. This path is not always easy to follow, but eventually these unpleasant emotions dissipate.
It’s another matter if the feeling of guilt is ingrained in your mind, and you experience it constantly, regardless of your actions.
Feeling guilty towards those whose expectations you did not live up to
We ourselves don’t notice how easily we become objects of someone’s manipulation. Here are some examples:
- A young mother returns from maternity leave to work. And from that moment on, family members and older relatives begin to hurt her with small, almost imperceptible pricks: someone sighs that the neighbor’s child already knows how to read, someone is dissatisfied with the scattered toys, and someone with an imperfect dinner. The front of the attackers is strengthened by the stereotype that is entrenched in the mass consciousness and constantly broadcast that the only purpose of a woman is to be a mother. It is not surprising that a young lady who was simply striving to realize herself (or contribute to the family budget) begins to feel constantly guilty.
- The employee returns from negotiations and reports the results to management. The boss reproaches him for the fact that the partners did not make more significant concessions. Since most of us are modern society- these are low-paid, practically powerless hired workers, then we do not dare to object to the authorities even mentally. After, at several meetings where it is simply indecent to defend rights, the manager casually complains about the non-ideal conditions of the concluded contract, this employee’s feeling of guilt is fixed on a subconscious level. It must be said that this simple manipulative technique is used by many people in career battles - without any real basis.
- You were unable to pay attention to your friend to discuss some problem with her, keep company at a dance school or patronage in a successful company. After that, she tells you in detail about how hurt, offended and bitter she was, how she counted on you, what prospects or pleasant impressions you deprived her of. And you feel guilty...
Constant feeling of guilt - the mechanism of its occurrence
Basic reactions are “developed” by us in childhood. In many ways, the “propensity” for this complex emotion is laid down in childhood and depends on the atmosphere in the family, the teaching methods adopted by the parents, and even the temperament of the child. Many mechanisms that “trigger” the feeling of guilt in you originate from this period.
Feelings of guilt and shame are a tool for controlling a child
The child does not understand the limits of what is permitted. And parents, instead of protecting him from dangerous actions, explaining or teaching him, manipulate him with a sense of shame, accusing him of misconduct or material damage. Phrases a la “Shame on you!” You broke a cup, and I have to work a lot” or “I’m already tired, and you ask me to play, shame on you!” sound in many families. Of course, after some time the child begins to follow the required rules, but this causes significant damage to his psyche. The feeling of guilt “settles” in the child’s soul and becomes his constant companion in adulthood. A person feels guilty for what he has the right to: respect for himself and his needs, the opportunity to act according to his desires, for his own life, finally!
Manipulation of guilt
Every parent has a selfish desire for his child to be the best - this gives him a reason to be proud of himself. Therefore, mothers and fathers often reproach the child for not having the same good grades, like others, do not have such impressive sports successes or relationships with teachers. The child begins to feel guilty - and for this, as in the previous case, there is no reason. Adults simply put the burden of their expectations and their own responsibility on their child. It is not surprising if such children, upon becoming adults, feel guilty if they could not please their boss, friend, or even complete strangers.
Feeling without guilt
Parents accuse their child of something he did not do. The child may not have the vocabulary, intellectual ability, or simply the persistence to prove that he is not at fault or that he did nothing wrong. Since parents are younger age are an indisputable authority for the child, then as a result of such episodes he may form a “habit” of feeling guilty without a significant reason. Or, more precisely, simply because it exists.
The harm of guilt
The imposed feeling of guilt causes great harm. A person who experiences a constant feeling of guilt does not, in fact, live his own life, but tries to “adjust” to others or generally accepted standards in order to alleviate his condition. But, of course, he fails.
Over time, he becomes disappointed in himself as a person, loses confidence in his merits and self-respect. This increases the risk of both somatic and mental disorders - depression, panic attacks or phobias.
How to deal with feelings of guilt?
- First, analyze the circumstances that led to the feeling of guilt. If you are really to blame for what happened and caused damage to someone through your actions, then try to compensate for the losses and ask for forgiveness.
- If you understand that your feeling of guilt is not due to the presence of a specific offense, then try to focus on the person who causes it in you. Think about why he is doing this? For example, a boss may be trying to save money on an unpaid bonus, and a friend may be trying to secure your attention. Behind every manipulation (and imposing guilt is manipulation) there is a selfish goal.
- If you understand that the feeling of guilt that has arisen in you is not beneficial to anyone, and at the same time is not connected with your actions, then the problem lies in your psychological attitudes. One of effective methods in this case – freewriting, free writing. This accessible technique of mental self-regulation will help you “expose” the problem, and, therefore, solve it.
- You can use another method, especially if you have mastered any of the relaxation methods. Relax completely and ask yourself: “Why am I torturing myself? What benefit do I get from feeling guilty? Let your thoughts flow without barriers or analysis. If you stop controlling your consciousness, then you will understand what is hidden behind your desire to feel guilty.
- If all of the above does not help, then you need to seek help from a professional psychologist before the problem grows. Proven techniques will help a specialist “pull out” from your past that event that still does not allow you to breathe freely.
And remember - you are not a prophet, not a superman and not an ideal creature. You are not given the opportunity to predict the combination of circumstances and all the consequences of your actions. Moreover, you have the right to be wrong. Don't try to conform to all the norms that society imposes on you. Allow yourself to be a free person and live your own life.
How to get rid of guilt - You don't owe anyone anything
Causes of feelings of guilt. How to get rid of it?
- Causes of feelings of guilt. How to get rid of it?
— Characteristic signs of accusation
- How to remove guilt from your life? 6 lessons
— How to get rid of remorse forever?
— How to free yourself from the feeling of guilt? Let's change our life position!
— How to get rid of the constant accuser inside yourself? Psychology
- Conclusion
Guilt is one of the basic and destructive human feelings. However, you should never confuse the concepts of “being guilty” and “feeling guilty.”
After all, if the first concept is real, then the second often does not take place only in our heads. In such cases, you always need to think about how to get rid of the feeling of guilt?
There are a great many varieties of this feeling, depending on the situation and the psychological reasons that cause it. Let's look at some of them below.
1. You feel guilty for being angry at other people.
Are you convinced that good people anger is alien. The feeling of guilt is aggravated especially in those situations in which very close people cause anger.
In fact, the belief that love and anger cannot exist together is wrong; they are not mutually exclusive. You may be angry with your loved one. But we shouldn’t be indifferent.
2. You feel guilty for negative emotions.
You must understand that any negative emotion is creative up to a certain limit, but after that it begins to corrode the soul. There is no need to be afraid of negative feelings if they are not too intense.
3. You feel guilty for your actions and actions.
You did something knowing that it was wrong and bad.
To help yourself cope with the situation, try to figure out whether your action is so bad that it interferes with your normal life. What if this is just public opinion, and you should learn not to depend on it.
4. You feel guilty for being indifferent to people.
This is a false feeling of guilt, since you cannot force yourself to love someone by order of reason, just as you cannot force yourself to stop loving someone.
5. You feel guilty for the lack of results of some of your actions.
Getting rid of the feeling of guilt in this case can only come with the skills to receive satisfaction not only from what has been achieved, but also from the process of achievement itself.
6. You feel guilty because you didn’t do everything you could for another person.
The reason for the feeling of guilt in this case is the erroneous belief that only you are capable of making another person happy.
Getting rid of this is understanding that you cannot shoulder all the responsibility for the lives of others. Everyone is the master of their own life.
7. You only imagine doing something wrong, but you already feel guilty for your action.
You can only get rid of such a feeling of guilt by learning to do things at will and not think about the consequences, especially since they are most often unpredictable.
8. You didn't live up to someone's expectations and feel guilty.
This is typical for people on whom their parents had high hopes in childhood. However, they were not acquitted.
Getting rid of guilt will come with the understanding that this is only your life and you do everything not for the sake of someone else's expectations, but for your own sake.
Characteristic signs of accusation
- A person always wants to be “good.”
If this does not happen, he feels guilty. Therefore, he cannot refuse anyone, does not conflict, does not sort things out, is afraid to make decisions and be honest both with himself and with others. - Always worried what they will think of him, whether he was understood correctly, how he will look in the eyes of others.
- Frequently worries and worries that he did something wrong, offended someone.
- Believes that he must be responsible for everyone and everything, does not allow oneself to relax and make mistakes.
- Trying to “save the situation”, because he doesn’t understand that not everything depends on him, and other people make their own choices, maybe not always the right ones.
- Tries to meet others' expectations gets upset if it doesn't work out.
- Can't explain directly, why he didn’t do something, begins to make excuses and “make amends” in every possible way.
- Hides a lot, does not finish speaking because he does not want to upset, offend or anger anyone.
- Constantly contacts people which make him feel guilty.
- Lives with a partner who constantly needs his help, and is unable to take care of himself.
Living with such a partner is difficult, but the feeling of guilt does not allow you to part with him. - He is often depressed, dissatisfaction with yourself, the people around you and the world.
How to remove guilt from your life? 6 lessons
Lesson 1. Stop blaming yourself for the reactions of others.
Never blame yourself for another person's thoughts. You do not bear any responsibility for the fact that someone is angry with you, has a crush on you, or cannot stand you.
Other people don't care at all about how you feel. Then why do you obsess over the feelings of others?
If you really want to get rid of guilt, stop thinking about the feelings of others.
Lesson 2. Stop beating yourself up for mistakes.
Remember: all people learn from their own and others' mistakes.
There is simply no person in the world who can do everything right the first time.
Lesson 3. Let go of the feeling of guilt for the actions of others.
Each person has his own head on his shoulders, for which you are not responsible.
Think, first of all, about yourself, not about others!
Lesson 4.“Burning” the feeling of guilt.
Take a piece of paper and write down on it all the situations when you feel or felt guilty. Now crumple up the sheet, set it on fire, and throw the ashes out the window.
Lesson 5. Do not apologize.
It often happens that we are manipulated, forced to make excuses and apologize. Never apologize for actions that are not your fault.
Lesson 6. Respond to manipulation with manipulation.
Never allow people to manipulate you and always give them a worthy rebuff.
And if you cannot fight back the manipulator, run away from him without looking back.
How to get rid of remorse forever?
1. Become an adult and stop reacting to childish ways of manipulation.
For an emotionally mature person, guilt does not exist. Instead he has responsibility for decisions made, for his choice, as well as responsibility for the fact that he can refuse his choice, recognizing it as incorrect.
Recognize and analyze the levers that cause you to feel guilty.
2. Stop “saving” everyone.
Recognize other people's choices that put them in this situation.
3. Recognize your right to make mistakes.
Don't try to be perfect and good for everyone all the time.
4. Learn to express your feelings openly and in an acceptable manner - both positive and negative.
Honesty is the best foundation for a relationship. Conduct a dialogue without constantly trying to make amends.
5. Be yourself without trying to meet other people's expectations.
Understand what kind of person you really are, what you want from life, situations and people.
6. Forgive yourself for all your real and imagined faults, admit your mistakes, correct them.
How to free yourself from the feeling of guilt? Let's change our life position!
Every time you notice yourself feeling guilty, recite new principles to yourself. All principles must be understood and passed deeply, deep enough to get to your painful feelings. This is not even just understanding, it is complete, unconditional acceptance of the new truth.
Your new principles:
1. I am not to blame for your (interlocutor’s) perception.
This means that I am not responsible for the person's reaction.
Every person reacts one way and not another, because he does not know how to react differently. But you are not responsible for his feelings and sensations.
2. It’s not my fault that I make mistakes that I don’t know about.
We live and learn, gain experience and knowledge. And making mistakes is normal, it is a sign that you are moving and not standing still. He who does nothing makes no mistakes.
3. I am not to blame for the behavior and actions of other people.
In life, it is very important to distinguish between “you” and “I”. I am responsible for my feelings, my mood, my actions, my life. But I have nothing to do with your reactions, your behavior, your “badness,” etc. In this approach, you relieve yourself of the unnecessary extra ballast of responsibility for someone else’s life, but you take responsibility for your life.
4. It’s not my fault that I can’t do something.
Life is an endless learning experience. And to study means to be calm about the period when you don’t know how to do anything and everything turns out “badly” for you!
5. I will not lose love or good treatment because of my behavior.
Don't try to earn good treatment. It won't do anything. You still can't please everyone. Be yourself. But, in turn, you should not insult or blame others in response to attacks. Just stop reacting.
How to get rid of the constant accuser within yourself? Psychology
The first thing you need to do is realize this feeling in yourself that you have it. Awareness of your conditions is the most important step in development, and you can gradually begin to act in a new way.
First, you need to reconsider from all sides the reason for the appearance of this feeling, look at it from the perspective of a real, adult and mature person.
Secondly, if you are used to constantly mentally blaming yourself, always stop this senseless, harmful, internal dialogue: “I knew that...”, “again I did something bad,” etc.
And in life situations, try not to get stuck on some assessments. If we focus only on the assessments of others or negative assessments of ourselves, then we lose ourselves.
And now, when doing something, for example, some work at work, no matter what you do, if you realize that you tried and wanted to do well, but it turned out the way it turned out, still always say to yourself: “WHAT A GOOD GIRL I AM.” ", this will serve as a reference point for you.
It is important to realize that it is impossible to suddenly take something and change something within yourself, it is always a gradual process and there is no escape from it.
The most important steps in our lives are small steps, not big ones, as many people think, and besides, it is small steps that lead us to big ones.
Learn to see the positive in everything, to see benefits and new opportunities, and not just external circumstances and trouble.
The internal state pulls up the external just as the external gradually pulls out the internal.
But you still need to learn this approach, gradually teach your brain useful habits: smile, say phrases of “contentment”, change your mind a little and think about useful and good things, ask yourself the right questions(if you haven't done this before).
And to make it more effective for you to work with some feelings, at the moment of experiencing them, be aware of your emotions, and do not be blindly led by them.
And for example, with a feeling of guilt, do not say to yourself phrases such as: “I am guilty” (this is false), but say: “I feel guilty” (true).
Conclusion
Nowadays one of the most current issues is the question: “How to get rid of guilt?” Many people suffer from this feeling, thereby ruining their lives. The saddest thing is that sometimes such guilt has no basis. Therefore, it is so important to distinguish when you are really guilty and you should apologize, and when this guilt is far-fetched and you should not blame yourself for anything.
This article describes the signs and causes of guilt, as well as ways to get rid of it. Hope this helps you. Good luck!
The material was prepared by Dilyara specifically for the site