Rejection is one of the terrible scourges, social diseases of society. There is physical violence, there is moral and spiritual violence. There is physical murder, and there is moral murder, which is essentially rejection. You are deprived of what you love, moreover, without which you cannot live. Whether we are talking about the fact that you are rejected by a loved one, boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, or parents refuse children or society (collective) refuses its member.
You are considered unworthy, worthless, and sentenced to rejection. It is almost always very painful. Even a mini-rejection, which is held at the entrance exams to a university or losing a competition, is perceived by some as very painful, what can we say about more serious things?
Man lives with an underlying fear of rejection. Sometimes a person is given conditions that he must fulfill, and in case of non-compliance, rejection follows. Sometimes even the very setting of such a condition in the form of an ultimatum is perceived as the termination of the relationship, that is, the rejection of you.
That's how I broke up with the girl I loved many years ago.
We met with her for about six months, until, quite unexpectedly for me, she gave me an ultimatum: either marry me, or we break up. Probably, our relationship would have led to marriage, but at that moment I was probably not ready for this. But the essence for me was completely different. I was greatly offended by the very fact of the ultimatum, which at that moment I perceived precisely as a rejection. Maybe it was just blackmail and she didn't want to break up with me. She may have been persuaded to do so by her mother. But at that moment I took this name as a rejection, because I could not understand how you can refuse a person because of a change in family or social status, that is, a mark in the passport. I took it as a betrayal. For me, relationships have always been more important than any social status. I was simply not ready at that moment to change my principles, and since I was then a very freedom-loving person, I could not stand if I was forced. And, as they say, the soul of the poet could not bear it, I slammed the door and left. I suffered terribly after that, it was the murder of love. In addition, I did not understand then why the girl did this. For about a year I suffered and was healed only because I wrote my first story about unhappy love, in which I poured out my pain on paper and freed myself from it, at least in part. Everything else was done by time.
I experienced the next rejection already from the collective. I was a member of one Protestant community, where I opposed the riots, for which I was persecuted by the pastor in the church. First, he forbade church members to communicate with me, even to say hello under the pretext that Satan had possessed me, and then, with the help of threats, he forced me to leave the community. Considering that the community was closer and dearer to me than native family, for me it was a big blow. In addition, this pastor has sent a duck to all the city churches that I was not accepted anywhere, because I am a church destroyer. And for many years I actually remained isolated from believers. I went to some church and they looked at me like I was a leper. I suffered from this unusually, it is generally difficult for a person to be alone, without like-minded people and friends, and especially for a believer whom non-believers cannot understand, and who does not have the skill of communicating with worldly people, due to the isolation that is inherent in many religious communities.
I tried in every possible way to find new friends for myself and looked for them in the environment of Protestant churches, but nothing worked. Why among them? It was like a curse. Modern Protestant church on site former USSR suffering from isolationism. She separates herself from the world, considers the world sinful and shuns the world. What can be good in this world? - such an attitude to the world was imposed in the church, and although I did not stay long in the church from the moment of my conversion to God, I picked up this Pharisaic leaven. And I did not see anything good in the world. God wanted to change my attitude to the world, which is why He closed the door to the church in front of me. And he led me into the world, to this, as they believed in the church, the territory of the devil. He led me through what closed the door for me to the church. When God closes one door for you, He opens another. The only problem is that it is not always clear which one. And you need to look. When God closes a door on earth for you, He opens it in heaven.
Only later did I understand that this was God's plan for me, God led me through such a human wilderness in order to enlighten me and teach me some things. First of all, of course, to heal me from excessive dependence on people's opinions and people in general, that is, to make me more self-sufficient and independent, stronger.
When a person is rejected, then, as has already been said, the value of a person, his dignity are rejected. And in fact, the outcast needs to prove his dignity and worth. But to prove it is not at all to those people who rejected him. On this, many are pierced! Attention! You need to prove this to yourself. To be more precise, you yourself need to acquire this value of dignity. This is what is fundamental in any rejection. Never prove your worth and worth to those who reject it. Prove it to yourself. Get it. It is for this that God's providence allowed your rejection. Therefore, it is foolish and unreasonable to be offended either by those people who rejected you, or by God, who allowed this for you. God wants to help you. He wants to make you efficient. The sooner you understand this, and forgive your offenders, the sooner you will cope with the situation and gain your dignity.
Your rejection is needed in order to turn you around and make you go in a different direction!
And then it worked out really well for me. God gave me new friends. Seemingly by chance, on the bus I met a man who became my close friend and teacher. He was a believer, but a non-church-going, secular believer, so to speak. He did not take me to church, but he helped me acclimatize in the world. He was not alone, but also with another like-minded person. And then together we created a club of interests, the so-called club of open spirituality, the club "Cetra" and many people have already come to us. It was a unique experience and I wrote a book about it "Club is Serious".
So, rejection is just the beginning of a new stage in your life that promises you new opportunities, new experiences and blessings.
In my opinion, rejection is the most common emotional wound in female-male relationships. By the time of growing up and possibly building a family, we have experienced rejection and a sense of abandonment hundreds of times. We were rejected by failed partners in previous relationships, they refused to take us somewhere with them, they forgot to invite us to birthday parties, we were teased or bullied by our peers, people dear to us were left alone with refusals in our need for attention.
Psychological cuts
V family life, we also face new types of rejection: we are not always welcome when we come home, we are denied requests, wives reject husbands' advances and deliberately do not take hints, husbands greet our hospitality coldly, and we ourselves hold supposedly planned joint evenings. Our gifts depreciate and say: "Few!!”, and our concern is that we simply may not hear "Thank you".
Rejection can be compared to psychological cuts and scrapes that rip through our emotional skin and penetrate deep into it. Some of them are so severe that they lead to deep mental wounds that bleed profusely and require the immediate intervention of a specialist. Others are like emotional scratches that can sting but don't lead to blood loss. We will deal with the treatment of the latter today.
Rejection, rejection , "Not"- can trigger a number of processes in us that it would also be nice to learn to be aware of: emotional discomfort, overflowing with anger, lowering self-esteem and undermining self-confidence, as well as dissatisfaction with the need to belong to any social group, in this case relational or family. All reactions to rejection need to be dealt with comprehensively, but we will try to acquire a few universal self-help tools.
With emotional discomfort and a decrease in self-esteem ....
“There is no need to hit yourself when you are already lying on the floor”
We listen to ourselves. Write down your negative self-critical thoughts. First of all, we ourselves are merciless to ourselves in moments of pain, paradoxical as it may seem.
Is there something wrong with me? Was I rejected because I'm not worthy of love? It’s my fault… I don’t give enough… I don’t know how to build relationships… I will never be happy… My husband doesn’t pay attention to me…
With such phrases, we ourselves continue to reject parts of our personality.
We see the whole picture
Think! The behavior of another person is 95% due to 3 things: their personal characteristics, their motives for behavior and the circumstances of the situation itself in which you both find yourself. It's not all your fault, trust me!
Some people are afraid of commitment and rush to end relationships when they come. "too far". Some people have low self-esteem and they think that if you love him, then something is wrong with you. If we talk about families, then sometimes spouses simply cannot give each other something, since there is no desire or resource for this. And this is also the case. It is a matter of different goals and desires at a particular moment in time.
Entering counterarguments
Use the counter-arguments above (point 2) or allow your own, depending on the specific scenario, to formulate valid objections to each of the above thoughts (point 1). As soon as another self-critical thought is born in your head, immediately give the appropriate objection. Learn to support yourself.
With a decrease in self-importance and worth ...
We notice what is important in ourselves
Make a list of five personality traits or characteristics that you value especially highly. Preferably, the list should be related to the role you were in when you were rejected (wife, husband, sexual partner, girlfriend, parent, child). Do not hurry.
Writing an "Ode to Self-Importance"
Choose the two most important qualities and write a short essay (one or two paragraphs) about each of them, paying attention to the following aspects:
why do you value this quality so much;
how it affects your life;
why is it an important part of your personality
With the loss of a sense of belonging to a group (female, male, family) ...
Expand your social connections beyond your relationship
We tend to "replace" the need in other relationships, if in these it is not yet satisfied. If a woman has been rejected by a man, then she can receive "emotional stroking" and support surrounded by other women. The same applies to men. If your partner criticizes you, then over time you may believe that something is wrong with you. And this can be quite misleading.
Keeping faith in yourself is hard work and sometimes you need outside help. Feel free to lean on other people to make you feel better.
Get your value back. I will be near!
With faith in your abilities and your potential, Olga Alyokhina
Many good texts have been written/translated for the Feelgood Portal. For example, this one:
We all know how painful it is to be rejected. However, recent research has shown that rejection can do much more damage to our psychological state than ordinary emotional pain. In this article, American psychologist Guy Winch cites 10 less known facts about how rejection affects our feelings, thinking and behavior.
Rejection activates the physical pain centers of the brain. Studies have shown that when we experience rejection, the same areas in the brain are activated as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection is so neurologically painful. In fact, our brain responses to rejection and physical pain are so similar that…
.Some painkillers reduce emotional pain. In studies that supported the hypothesis that the pain of rejection mimics physical pain, researchers gave participants the analgesic acetaminophen (paracetamol) before asking them to remember the unpleasant experience of rejection. People who took it experienced much less emotional pain than those who were given just a sugar pill. Psychologists suggest that the reason for such a strong relationship between rejection and physical pain lies in the fact that ...
.Rejection served a vital evolutionary function in our past. For our ancestors, hunters and gatherers, expulsion from their native tribe was tantamount to death, and they could hardly have survived on their own. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that our brains have developed an early warning system to warn us of possible rejection. Since this was important for survival, those for whom rejection was more painful received an evolutionary advantage - the opportunity to correct their behavior earlier and remain in the tribe. The latter probably explains the fact that...
We are able to remember and relive social pain more vividly than physical pain. Try to remember an experience of intense physical pain, and your brain will react sluggishly. In other words, memory alone is not enough to cause physical pain. But try to relive the painful rejection (although no, it’s better to just take my word for it), and you will be overwhelmed by a wave of feelings reminiscent of those that you would have experienced then. Our brain prioritizes the experience of rejection because we are "social animals" and live in "packs". This brings us to the aspect of rejection that we often forget...
.Rejection violates our need for belonging. We all have a fundamental need to belong to a group. When we are rejected, this need is frustrated, and the feeling of isolation only exacerbates the emotional pain. Reconnecting with those who love us and with group members with whom we feel a kindred spirit eases the emotional pain of rejection. The feeling of loneliness and isolation after rejection creates an effect that we also often forget about ...
.Rejection causes bouts of anger and aggression. A study published in 2001 in the United States found that the risk of violence among teenagers who experienced rejection was higher than other risk factors such as drugs, poverty, participation in teen gangs. Countless studies have shown that even mild rejection causes people to take out their aggression on uninvolved third parties. However, much of the aggression provoked by rejection turns inward...
.Rejection provokes us to destroy our own self-esteem. We often respond to rejection in romantic relationships by finding fault with ourselves, bemoaning our imperfections, blaming ourselves for our own suffering. Most of Relationship rejections are due to lack of attraction, different lifestyles, mismatched needs, or other aspects of couple dynamics. Self-blame only increases emotional pain and makes recovery more difficult. But before you blame yourself for...blaming yourself, remember that...
.Rejection temporarily lowers our intelligence. It was enough to ask the subjects to recall the recent experience of rejection, and the results of their subsequent tests for intelligence, short-term memory deteriorated significantly. And indeed, when we are knocked out of the rut by painful rejection, it is not so easy to maintain clarity of thought. This explains the fact that...
.Otverzhenie defies logic. A group of subjects took part in an experiment where they were rejected strangers. The experiment was rigged - "strangers" collaborated with scientists. Surprisingly, even knowing the fact that the strangers who rejected them actually did it “pretend” did not alleviate the emotional pain of the subjects. Even being told that the strangers belonged to a social group they despised, such as the Ku Klus Klan, did little to lessen their suffering. However, things are not so bad as…
.There are ways to heal the emotional wounds that rejection causes. The pain of rejection can be healed and its negative psychological, emotional, and cognitive consequences can be prevented. To do this, you need to pay close attention to each emotional wound (relieve emotional pain, reduce anger and aggression, protect self-esteem and satisfy the need for belonging).
Someone lives and lives for himself, considers himself ugly, worthless, seeks death because no one loves him, and suddenly this outcast, hunted outcast discovers that he is no worse than the rest, that he is better and more beautiful than everyone around.
There can hardly be a better story than this one. Life - yes, but hardly a fairy tale.
Erlend Lu
Each of us has experienced the feeling of rejection. Sometimes this is a short-term state associated with rejection and condemnation by other people. But often this feeling settles deep in us. This usually happens when life circumstances are not in our favor, we are haunted by all sorts of failures, loneliness, a feeling of our own low value, insignificance; when we are going through a serious life drama. And then it begins to seem that the whole world is against us. At such moments, we go on about our experiences, easily agree with the inner voice, insistently repeating: “You are a loser!”, “You are ugly!”, “You have no abilities!”, “No one will ever love you!”, “Only you could get into such a situation?!” etc.
But the key problem is not at all that we are so useless and unnecessary, but that our focus is on the problem, not on its solution. Suffering, whining and complaining is always easier than taking responsibility. I will not go into details of how and from where self-criticism is born in us. There are many good books written about this. It has always been important for me how to stop this inner crocodile, ready to devour you for any slightest stupidity or failure, and even annihilate (completely destroy) for a big failure, like in a science fiction movie.
So here I would like to offer some supportive thoughts that can be valuable during such difficult times in our lives.
Thought first. At one time I read a book with a wonderful title "Do what you want, but be strong!". Indeed, no one said it would be easy. Life is a difficult quest. Therefore, you need to act to reach the next level. It is to act! Define your goals and make a clear plan to achieve them. And don't back down! If your day is filled with a variety of activities and events, there is no room for fruitless suffering about how others treat you. Form your own position in relation to yourself.
Thought the second.“You don’t owe anything to anyone and others don’t owe you anything either.” The expectation of love and melancholy about its absence will not bring it closer to you. Switch from the opinions of others to yourself. The most reliable investment of money and time is ourselves. It is necessary, first of all, to determine how we want to see ourselves. And having determined, start working on yourself. Each achievement increases our self-esteem, which means that our faith in ourselves is more difficult to shake. And one more of the properties of a magnetic personality (attracting others like a magnet) is will. Life is changeable, just as people's opinions are changeable... And no matter what happens, we always come back to ourselves. Become your own support.
Thought three.“We are much more than ideas about us, opinions about ourselves, than appearances or actions.” And indeed, as if under a microscope with a thousandfold magnification, we examine our own imperfections, marveling at how “with this !!!” can live.
Why do we choose crooked mirrors of other people's views as an evaluation criterion? Who do we trust to evaluate ourselves? And who are the judges? The biggest censor is ourselves. But again, this does not mean that we need to vegetate in the state in which we are. Push off what you have. Assess your strengths and weaknesses and start moving your life step by step. right way. If you don’t like the appearance - determine your merits, go to the stylist; Dig information on the Internet, how to reach the maximum using available means. Not satisfied personal qualities- develop; failed - ask how other people got out of similar situations winners. Life is a process, we are able to change. Enter every next day new.
Thought four.“Dependence on acceptance by others forces us to behave according to their expectations.” We all need love and acceptance, but what “price” are we willing to pay for it? If this price is a rejection of one's own values, goals in life, belief in something, then it is unreasonably high. But the saddest thing is that such sacrifices do not bring the desired result. Dependent people begin to annoy, disgust and, in the end, again replenish the cohort of outcasts, become disgusted with themselves. So is it worth waiting for love and acceptance, wasting precious time of your life? If we have us, that's already a lot. Live your life. Look for your ways. Everything else is wonderful bonuses from life itself.
Thought fifth."Rejection is closely related to unforgiveness." Learn to forgive and be grateful. Release the energy of resentment by filling your soul with gratitude. It works especially well in the park, in the church. At first there will be resistance, but gradually, after it, relief will come. And notice the signs. Perhaps after the practice of forgiveness and thanksgiving, the sun will begin to shine brighter, someone will smile at you, and someone will offer their help or say something encouraging ... Remember Little Raccoon from the cartoon? Smile at the world and you will immediately feel that it accepts you. So we are not alone.)
In conclusion, here are some valuable quotes:
... after all, after all, I am free. Free. Free to live in rejection and loneliness.
Paulo Coelho
Mosquitoes don't like my blood. Once, in my youth, this offended me, I could not understand that rejection can be blissful.
Toni Morrison
In fairy tales, the role of the outsider or outcast usually goes to the person who has the deepest connection to knowing nature.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes