More and more often we encounter a paradox: the feeling of loneliness in a crowd of people. Many complain about the state of uselessness, abandonment and lack of demand. For many, the feeling of loneliness brings grief to such a deep degree that they try to get rid of it by any means, without thinking about whether they are doing the right thing or not quite right when resolving this issue.
There are two different concepts: “being alone” and “loneliness”. What is the difference?
To be alone:
- I feel pleasure, it pleases me, this is a need;
- I can easily get out of the “alone with myself” state;
- not bothered by the presence of people.
Loneliness:
- an unwanted sensation for me;
- the presence of the emotion of sadness, most often about oneself;
- does not leave in the crowd, constant presence is burdensome;
- isolation is noticeable in behavior.
The feeling of loneliness can be different: temporary, situational and permanent. The last feeling of loneliness does not leave a person even if his family, work and health are in complete or relative order.
The triangle diagram will help us understand the reason for the development of chronic feelings of loneliness. Let's draw a triangle and a circle in it. Place the letter “I” in the circle. This is our personality, a person who was created by God and protected by Him from the feeling of loneliness with three shields:
- the first shield is that a person must love someone;
- second shield - a person must be loved by someone;
- third shield - it must be in demand (necessary) somewhere.
A person who has these three shields in his personal life never experiences a painful feeling of loneliness and uselessness.
As soon as one of the shields falls, a special state of anxiety, discomfort, and then loneliness comes. If a person stops loving or is no longer loved, he experiences great loss in your personal world of relationships. This feeling of loss is the initial stage of the state of loneliness. Even if a person is in the family and they love him, he also loves, but there is no feeling of giving, he is not busy with anything, does not bring any benefit to the environment where he lives, he will feel useless, because one of the shields of his personality has “fallen” . There are many people who are not surrounded by any shield - they do not love anyone, no one loves them, and they are not busy with anything, they bring nothing to society, there is no satisfaction from the good they have done. It is these people who experience an acute feeling of loneliness, which turns into depression, and they sometimes see no other way out for themselves but to die. It is enough for a person to lose or not satisfy at least one of his needs, and he will feel a feeling of loneliness.
We are not alone!
God, in His love and mercy, has provided a way out for people who, on this poor sinful planet, have found themselves in such a sad, unnatural state - loneliness. He did not plan the state of loneliness: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).
In order to satisfy a person’s need for love, He Himself manifests greatest love to a person. If a person approaches God, he begins to feel this love on himself, and the need for love is fulfilled. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).
If a person has no one to love, if there is no family, he can love friends and relatives. But most of all he can show love for the Lord! He always has someone to love no matter what. He can fulfill the need to love. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27).
Lack of demand in the circle of friends and loved ones may well be made up for by work, which is always necessary and wonderful: the work of preaching for the salvation of people, work with the Lord. The success of this work gives the greatest sense of satisfaction and joy.
Many people, feeling lonely and wanting to get rid of this unpleasant feeling, strive to start a family. Seeing this as the only way out of the situation, they bring their own internal problem into the family, and the state of loneliness worsens. The next wrong step is already taken by inertia - doubting that the spouse is the person who will help him. Then - divorce, choosing another life partner to start a family, and in the end the same result - loneliness. This can last until a person finds true path for purchase inner world and peace - peace with God, peace in Jesus Christ.
My soul feels like a stone slab, cold and heavy. I have no strength to carry this weight. What to do when sadness hits? How to deal with apathy and despair?
My soul is dreary and chilly, as it happens in the fall in the slush. Like nature, frozen in anticipation of winter hibernation. Cold. Yearning. Loneliness. Hopelessness and emptiness. I don't want to live. Feeling of longing. It seems that all the good things in your life have already happened. And nothing further is expected. Only dull melancholy. Routine. The rustle of days going nowhere.
My soul feels like a stone slab, cold and heavy. I have no strength to carry this weight.
What to do when sadness hits? How to deal with apathy and despair?
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals how to get rid of melancholy, depression and depression.
Feelings of sadness: why does it occur?
Not all people experience melancholy. System-vector psychology explains that only the most emotional people - owners - tend to fall into a state of melancholy. It was their nature that endowed them with the widest palette of feelings and emotions, exceptional emotional amplitude - from exaltation to, from joy to light sadness. Their emotions are flexible, they can change several times a day, when a person literally swings from a short-term emotion of delight to longer bouts of melancholy. Let's look at why melancholy occurs and how to get rid of melancholy.
For a person with a visual vector, it is vitally important to love. This is their purpose and the daily work of the soul. Love brings incredible fulfillment to a person with a visual vector; it is a deep feeling that fills his life with meaning.
Longing from separation from a loved one
Being alone, the viewer is also immersed in fears and gloomy forebodings. After all, fear is the root emotion in the visual vector, it is the first spark from which the great fire of love can flare up, which stronger than fear. Love is nothing more than fear for another person, concern for his well-being. Love is when the life of another becomes more important than your own.
True love is always giving, it is the desire to bring joy to your loved one. Having given your feelings to another, you yourself experience incredible happiness! And when love is overshadowed by a feeling of melancholy, it is more appropriate to call such relationships. You want love from a person and die without it, you become dependent on his presence, you are afraid of losing him - an inexpressible melancholy arises.
Longing for a loved one
Unrequited love love addiction or long separation causes melancholy. This melancholy is heavy, inescapable, painful. Melancholy mixed with anxiety - how is he and with whom? What's wrong with him now?
Such anxiety and melancholy do not stop, even if there is an opportunity to call or meet. As long as there is contact, the person with the visual vector is calm and joyful, but as soon as he is left alone, melancholy falls on him. This melancholy is quite understandable: fear is rushing around inside him and looking for a way out - unconscious, unspoken fear for his life, fear of being left alone. This fear can take the form of any fear, any phobia, but at its core is the fear of death. Fear that your life is ending. And someday you will leave, and there will be nothing left of you. Fear that someday you will leave and not be able to take anything with you.
Love or longing?
It is the person with the visual vector who is able to experience the most beautiful mutual love, but if his love remains unrequited or turns into addiction, it is he who suffers more than others. He is overcome by melancholy, hopelessness, grief, he does not know how to get rid of melancholy. This love addiction, which causes him so much pain, is subjectively perceived by him as love, as an incredible value, as the best thing in his life. He wants to get rid of melancholy, but at the same time he keeps his emotions on the object of dependence and cannot switch.
State of melancholy and depression
The feeling of melancholy in a visual person can be very difficult and inescapable. Especially for a person with anal-visual ligament vectors who considers himself a monogamist. If once his relationship ended unsuccessfully, he remembers his affection for a long time and cannot start a new relationship and, as a result, cannot get rid of melancholy.
However, this condition can still be overcome, the main thing is to know how. Communication with other people is the best way to overcome fear and get rid of melancholy; it can literally revive you to life. A person with a visual vector is transformed, becomes emotional, lively, cheerful. People with the visual vector never have real hard times, they tend to quickly switch from one emotion to another, melancholy covers them for a short time, and then they again join the active circle of life - now they have new plans, now they are helping others with some business, they find new acquaintances.
But this is not what happens to a person with.
The sound guy doesn't need anyone at all. He does not experience vivid emotions, so visual melancholy is alien to him. Loneliness for him is not a prison or a cage, it is his natural state. Look at a person who seems to be communicating, but at the same time remains somewhat detached, thinking about his own things all the time. Loneliness in a crowd is his usual state. He does not seek the opportunity to be the center of attention, he does not care that others cannot understand his thoughts. He fully feels the frailty of this world.
Sound people are concerned with abstract questions about God and the meaning of life. They want to know who Main architector of this world and why he created everything this way. In silence, they listen to their own thoughts in the hope of hearing the breath of the Universe and finding a solution great mystery of life, to remove the veil from its incomprehensibility, to comprehend the highest Plan.
And when nights pass without answers, what settles inside the sound player is not even melancholy, but a painful emptiness, a feeling of complete hopelessness and the futility of all efforts. He feels like a fish thrown ashore without a life-giving drop of meaning - the meaning of life. This is how depression sets in.
One person can combine both sound and visual vectors, then, outwardly emotional and sociable inside, he can feel a lack of meaning in life - a state of hidden depression. Such a person can experience the whole palette of shades of visual states - among them fear, melancholy, joy, and sadness. But at the same time he will be inclined to philosophize and think about eternity.
Longing and loneliness: what to do
When melancholy and loneliness, despair and emptiness come, sometimes it seems that nothing can help you. System-vector psychology training by Yuri Burlan helps to understand the causes of melancholy, hopelessness and depression. And this awareness changes states, allowing you to get rid of melancholy. A person understands what desire in him yearns to be filled, and knows how to fill it.
How to get rid of sadness
You can relieve anxiety and dull melancholy if you give all your emotions and feelings to other people. Melancholy can only be cured by love - a mature feeling for another person, where there is not a drop of dependence, not a shadow of doubt, not the slightest fear. Love that will change your life and save you from loneliness. After all, love and compassion are not thoughts endlessly wandering in a circle, but active actions aimed at caring for specific people. Pay attention to your loved ones, friends, acquaintances - and you will immediately feel better. The melancholy will dissolve by itself.
Surprisingly, the answer to sound questions about the meaning of life and self-knowledge comes to us not when we think alone, but when we connect with other people, doing a common cause in pursuit of a common goal.
Get rid of melancholy and hopelessness and feel happiness mutual love Many people who have completed the System-Vector Psychology training have succeeded, so can you!
Watch and read
During severe stress your body begins to live according to its own laws. Your brain's amygdala, also called the "fear center," puts you into fight-or-flight mode. If you don't want anxiety to dictate your terms, give your brain a break from negative emotions.
Negative emotions deal a devastating blow
This psychological feature All people have it: we are too focused on the negative. Fear, pain, disappointment, anger, resentment and other unpleasant emotions can deliver a blow figuratively comparable in strength to a sledgehammer. They are much more intense, which is what attracts our attention. On the other side, positive emotions are thinner, so they can pull the blanket over themselves. The following steps, taken consistently, will help you avoid increased anxiety, as well as making inflexible decisions. 
Listen to stress signals
Physiological reactions of anxiety and panic include increased heart rate, difficulty breathing (tightness in the chest), dizziness and nausea. The body, which is in an agitated state, sends signals to the brain, and now your mind becomes an ally of panic. 
Deep breathing or physical activity
To stop these whirlwinds of anxiety that are circling inside, practice deep breathing (can be replaced by physical activity). With these techniques, you fend off the attacks that anxiety makes on the brain. Deep breathing will saturate the cells with oxygen and slightly reduce the heart rate. 
Block catastrophic thoughts
You don't want to be a whiner or a paranoid person, and you didn't set up all these anxiety processes voluntarily. Be aware of the anxious, catastrophic, and unrealistic thoughts that appear in your head. They are all overdramatic and exaggerated, and they all feed panic. Stop thinking that a car will hit you in a crosswalk or that a headache could be a sign of a brain tumor. Dissolve this negative committee that is holding meetings in your head. 
Find a Replacement for Stubborn Thoughts
Anxiety wants to drive you crazy, so it attacks again and again. This is why you suddenly sweat and start to feel out of breath. You can win this round if you allow yourself to relax. This is not capitulation, it is necessary to restore important internal resources. Even if panic strikes you on the way to work, nothing prevents you from pulling over and relaxing. A 10-minute delay will not be so critical, but it will give you the opportunity to return your thoughts to a rational direction. 
Change your body's response
You can eradicate anxiety by teaching your brain to distinguish between a real threat and a pseudo-threat. If you act on autopilot, you will become overwhelmed with anger (fight) or withdraw into yourself (flight). When the threat is so strong, you can become immobile. Determine which of the three stress responses is typical for you, and then choose a reasonable alternative. For example, instead of withdrawing into yourself, share your fears with your loved ones. Repeat all these steps as needed. 
Ksenia3103
I am constantly accompanied by a feeling of anxiety. I am almost constantly in a state of depression, although in a work environment I even behave animatedly, but I noticed that sometimes my thoughts began to get confused, I cannot always express what I want to say or finish a thought... Sometimes I fall into stupors. I can’t go to bed early... I don’t sleep well the rest of the morning, I wake up often... It feels like I’m not sleeping at all. I don’t know what to do about it, but this condition is very depressing, I don’t know what to do about it.
Ksenia3103
I am 27 years old. I had a similar condition at the age of 19-20 years. At that time, I was constantly tormented by a feeling of loneliness, of my own uselessness. Then everything got better - I felt the strength to change something with my own hands. I got a boyfriend, a job, and my circle of friends expanded. My boyfriend and I broke up after a long relationship; we had too many conflicts. At the moment I have a job and a young man. But the guy went to work in another country for half a year. And at the same moment I began to communicate less with my friends; it seemed to me that they had no time for me. The work is more depressing than inspiring - the very essence of the work and the team. Sometimes I can't bring myself to get up in the morning...
However, the guy’s departure is not the main factor... For even before his departure I was depressed, irritable, and tearful. This, in my opinion, worsened our relationship... He even said several times that he no longer remembers me being happy - I, in turn, feel that my emotions burden the people around me... After all, it’s natural for everyone to like to rejoice with someone... then, rather than listen to the whining and look at the sour face, I’m already silent about irritation.
Ksenia3103! Good afternoon Tell me what is the best way to contact you?
Let's try to figure it out. How would it be more convenient for you to communicate at a certain time in order to be online and communicate in dialogue? Or just as it appears on the site?
I had a similar condition at the age of 19-20 years. At that time, I was constantly tormented by a feeling of loneliness, of my own uselessness. Then everything got better - I felt the strength to change something with my own hands.
I would like to hear in more detail: how did everything miraculously work out? Did you do anything yourself? What did you change yourself? Did you feel empowered? How did you feel? How was it for you?
Ksenia3103
Good afternoon I'm Oksana. I think that as it appears on the site.
What changed was that I could no longer remain in this state... I started devoting time to sports, spending more time with friends, going to different events. But everything finally changed when I met my first boyfriend. Since I didn’t have a relationship with the opposite sex until I was 19, I felt more confident, more complete. I wasn't so lonely. At the same time, I also got a permanent job.
Oksana! You have a question in your topic about anxiety and uncertainty. What would you like to talk about first?
Since I didn’t have a relationship with the opposite sex until I was 19, I felt more confident, more complete. I wasn't so lonely.
What is confidence for you? Completeness? How did you feel before the relationship?
Ksenia3103
For me, confidence is the opportunity to have a reliable partner in a relationship, certainty in these very relationships, confidence in my abilities and in the people who surround me. I associate completeness with the word self-sufficiency... I don’t consider myself complete as a person, self-sufficient... I mentioned relationships because it seems to me that I am too dependent on external circumstances and people, as well as their attitude towards me.. Before the relationship, I felt unnecessary, I was constantly missing something[
Confidence is the opportunity to have a reliable partner in a relationship, certainty in these very relationships, confidence in my abilities and in the people who surround me.
Did I understand correctly that confidence depends on someone? From whether you have a partner, whether he is reliable, from the people who surround you?
What is self-confidence? How does this manifest itself in life? In your life, Oksana. Not in theory?
I don’t consider myself complete as a person, self-sufficient
What kind of person do you consider yourself?
Do you have an example of a personality that you consider complete and self-sufficient? Describer her)
I mentioned relationships because it seems to me that I am too dependent on external circumstances and people, as well as their attitude towards me.
Seems? Is this a guess? Tell me more with examples if you want.
Ksenia3103
Seems? Is this a guess? Tell me more with examples if you want.
Since childhood, I have a tendency to be attracted to the opposite sex at first sight. Moreover, such a hobby did not always turn into any kind of relationship at all. However, at the moment of infatuation with a young man, I rarely am/was myself. I wanted to look better. Next, I wanted some kind of initiative from young people, signs of attention, but when I saw that they weren’t paying attention to me, I considered myself unattractive... In addition, since my childhood was not entirely cloudless - my parents and I we lived very poorly and often did not have enough material resources to buy good things, and therefore the children at school made fun of my things, appearance. I was very worried about this... I really lacked approval.
I consider myself weak-willed, suspicious, impulsive, indecisive.
What do you think about it?
I make my plans for the future only taking into account my partner. Even if I am not completely satisfied with his vision of our life and future together, it still seems to me that if I break off relations with him, I will lose some kind of stability and confidence. I’m used to the fact that, although he doesn’t support me in everything, he’s still there.
It suits you? Or did you want to change it?
In addition, my childhood was not entirely cloudless - my parents and I lived very poorly and often lacked material resources
Tell us in more detail about how relationships were built in your family. How did relationships develop in your family? Are you the only one in the family? Or do you have brothers or sisters?
If I cannot do something, complete some task, it seems to me that I am unworthy of this work, etc.
Alas, I can’t name examples of self-sufficiency...
I didn't think I was attractive...
Oksana, could you write me something positive about yourself? Are there any achievements in your life? Please tell me about yourself in a positive way.
Ksenia3103
Oksana, could you write me something positive about yourself? Are there any achievements in your life? Please tell me about yourself in a positive way.
I don’t know how positive these qualities are for me, but no matter what mood I’m in, I always try to help other people, not only with words, but also with actions, I am a devoted friend and a faithful girl. I like to learn everything new; I especially enjoy traveling to another city. I love nature very much, especially winter:) I am grateful to all the people I have met / am meeting - they taught me something, discovered something new in me, even if they showed me that I am weak in some way. I’m glad that in some ways I’m better than I was “yesterday,” so to speak, my circle of friends has expanded, that I can overcome my fears, for example, only a couple of years ago I overcame my fear of water and learned to swim, this year I jumped from bridge with a rope (rope jumping) I believe that there is a way out of any situation. Sometimes, when I train, I am happy and surprised that a person can “pump himself up”... And not only his body, but also his mind, his abilities, to learn something, to overcome something internally and externally.
Because, for example, my indecisiveness sometimes prevents me from refusing a request that I consider inappropriate or sacrificing my time to serve someone else’s interests, despite the fact that the sacrifice does not find a response, and is more often taken for granted.
Are you sure that saying “no” is a result of indecisiveness? There are a lot of options for not being able to say “no”. For example, people-pleasing, vanity, cowardice. Let's think about this topic, Oksana. If this is indeed indecisiveness, then the skill of saying “no” is being trained. The algorithm is simple: they come to you with a request, you take time to think (just say: “I need _ minutes to think and give you an answer.” You think (how much time do you need to decide for yourself: do you want to do this "Don't want to? Make your own decisions and give your conscious answer to the person asking. It is important that having made a decision for yourself to do this for a person, do not expect gratitude or a response from him in return, do it for the person, because you have decided to consciously help this person. If you decide to say “no,” then you don’t even need to explain anything, you just need to tell this person “no.” In this algorithm, it is important that you take a conscious action and are responsible to yourself for its result.
I immediately blush and start stuttering—I thought I’d already take a public speaking course. Perhaps this would improve the situation
This is a very good and correct choice. If you have time, it will help a lot, I highly recommend it. They will also help public performance, they should be included in the public speaking program (depending on where and what city you live in), you can go to the stage of an amateur theater. In general, there are a lot of techniques. You need to choose your own) You can simply write a list of positive statements and say them every day in the morning and evening in front of the mirror. In general, if you want, Oksana, I’ll give you a lot of homework)
But alas, he is not interested. I feel lonely. Often. I can burst into tears, somewhere in the kitchen while preparing food or somewhere else, but I cannot explain why I feel bad. (Not entirely satisfied... Because I sometimes imagine the same future...
I still hope to find some kind of compromise solution.
This is not a solution... It must be formulated, then it will be possible to move. You need certainty: what do I want? What kind of life do I want? What kind of man should be next to me? What is a constructive relationship for you?
Ksenia3103
Yes, I will try to monitor my feelings, analyze them and work through this moment. Thanks also for the exercise; I’ll try to apply it in the appropriate situation.
This is not a solution... It must be formulated, then it will be possible to move. You need certainty: what do I want? What kind of life do I want? What kind of man should be next to me? What is a constructive relationship for you?
Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want... This is my big problem. This bothers me... I consider relationships to be constructive, where people should interact, discuss problems, support each other and contribute personal growth paired with
Yes, it seems to me that if he is not interested in what I do, what I am interested in, then he has no interest in me either...
How do you look at the key (this is my opinion that it is key) it seems to me? Have you asked him about this? Maybe it makes sense to just ask him how he feels? Maybe we need to stop speculating that
he doesn’t love me as a person, that we have no more in common than four corners, which means that under such conditions I am easily replaceable for him.
Why are you chasing these thoughts? Write 10 points about how this behavior benefits you?
I don’t think it’s easy for him to see my depression, to endure my irritability and despondency. He sees my feelings and repeatedly asked what, in my opinion, should be done to make it easier...
Do you, Oksana, have anything you need to do to make it easier for you? How can he help you? Based on the above, your young man is somehow trying to establish contact with you :) How would you comment?
I repeatedly asked what, in my opinion, should be done to make it easier.
We need to do something to make it easier)
I consider relationships to be constructive, where people should interact, discuss problems, support each other and promote personal growth as a couple.
A clear answer that can be put into action, Oksana! Why don't you do this? How can you personally influence this process?
Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want... This is my big problem.
This is very serious, you need to “live somewhere” You need to draw up an action plan, dream, want... If you want this?
Sometimes I think that I feel bad from the feeling that these relationships are weighing me down... That they are like a suitcase, which is hard to carry and a pity to throw away... At the same time, I feel sorry for the time spent, effort and labor invested in our relationship. When I want to give up, I remember the first days of our acquaintance and our relationship.
What do the memories of the first days of your acquaintance give you?
Ksenia3103
Can you tell us more about this? What exactly is bothering you? At what moments do these feelings arise, what contributes to this (a specific situation or just a state of mind “be careful, pms”, for example)
What do the memories of the first days of your acquaintance give you?
I don't know... I doubt that I will make him happy and give him what he needs. He deserves a better partner. More balanced and stable, more family type. I cannot, for example, prove to him why a trip or attending a course is more valuable to me than buying another type of meat for dinner, for example. It’s great that he has such a great ability to save, thrift, accumulate, but no one promised that he would have so many years to live and that he would need all this... And at first we laughed a lot, easily solved problems together, treated each other more carefully... I also cannot say that with a change of partner it will not be the same: first, bright emotions (a surge of hormones), and then a calmer time. However, I am sure that this all depends on the mutual work of people on their relationships. At least now: he’s away and we haven’t seen each other for two months, he won’t be back for another four. I constantly say or write that I miss him, that I love him, due to the fact that I am trying at least in this way to maintain warmth in our relationship... He rarely writes the same thing... Either this does not happen at all or only in response to my words... I understand that another country is stressful for him, but still... And in general, it feels like I often beg for a feeling of need and approval - to be honest, it’s already sickening...
Let's figure it out step by step, Oksana. Did I understand correctly that there are no common themes at all?
Because I think that people should have topics for conversation. People in general, in principle, should talk.
And did I understand correctly that you have been living together for five years?
In my opinion, people who live 5 years
And I understand correctly what you want
I have been telling him directly for a long time that I want a family, I want to legitimize the relationship and have a child in marriage. There are always excuses for this.
How do you usually react to this?
Therefore, it seems to me that he does not want to build a family with me.
How long are you willing to wait? If you haven't received an offer in five years? How long do you think a family-minded man will propose to a woman?
I have a definite plan
Do you have a plan, do you have a place to live? What is happening in your life?
plan, but it doesn't suit my boyfriend. If I want to be with him, then my plans are irrelevant.
And what are you ready to do about this?
I don’t do this because my boyfriend, as I said above, is not interested in this. He is an adult with formed ideas about life, about the order of things; he does not like to study or lacks motivation. I don't know what I can do about it.
You definitely can’t do anything with it, you can only change yourself. Look at this man, Oksana, and believe me, he will not change, you need to (or you don’t need to decide) accept him as he is, I understand that you will not change him, no need for illusions: o-o: And if he changes, then this is a bonus for you for patience, humility and love :) But you can learn to live with this yourself, if you really need it, you can manage your emotions, and so on. In general, you can improve your quality of life. :)
I doubt that I will make him happy and give him what he needs.
Do you want to make him happy? Do you know what he needs?
He deserves a better partner. More balanced and stable, more family type.
Let's rephrase this phrase, Oksana, removing the negativity about you. Paraphrase, write it and read it several times, listen to yourself, how you feel when you read the same phrase without negativity to yourself. To begin with, you can agree on this phrase with me. :thumbsup:
However, I am sure that this all depends on the mutual work of people on their relationships.
Of course, if this is the mutual desire of people. If the young man does not want this, then you can only change your attitude.
I constantly say or write that I miss him, that I love him, due to the fact that I am trying at least in this way to maintain warmth in our relationship... He rarely writes the same thing... Either this does not happen at all or only in response to my words...
People are different, Oksana. If you understand him more deeply, then maybe it will become easier for you? My husband doesn’t really like to write or talk about love and all kinds of tenderness, but for me that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me. I just understand that my husband is a very reserved person, unable to talk about feelings and is not going to change that at the age of 50. At the same time, I have a need to talk about my love, about how I miss him when he is on business trips. And in return I don’t expect the same from him, it just makes me feel warmer and lighter when I write to him about it and tell him. Do you see the difference in the same action?
And in general, it feels like I often beg for a feeling of need and approval - to be honest, it’s already sickening...
Let us return again to the issue of self-sufficiency. It makes sense to take responsibility for your state of mind, for your life. These may be strong words, of course, but you need to learn this. For example:
1. What's going on? I feel bad, I feel sick...
2. What would I want to happen? I want to smile and dance
3. What am I ready to do for this: Get dressed, go to the mirror, smile at yourself and go to a disco)
If you don't want to do anything. Then you have to admit that you want to suffer in your nauseated state and cry. Sometimes it’s also good for your loved one to cry)
Ksenia3103
Let's rephrase this phrase, Oksana, removing the negativity about you. Paraphrase, write it and read it several times, listen to yourself, how you feel when you read the same phrase without negativity to yourself. To begin with, you can agree on this phrase with me. :thumbsup:
I don’t know... I’m sad... It’s hard not to take into account my negativity :)
How long are you willing to wait? If you haven't received an offer in five years?
I would like to note, Oksana, that you gave the following answer to these two questions:
I received an offer... Two years ago, just on New Year's Eve. But we never got to the registry office. His arguments: no money, then his father passed away and we decided to sign a year later out of respect for the memory of his father and at the top of the phrase “you’re putting pressure on me, I’ll decide everything myself”, “everything has its time”
You talked about the proposal and the fact that you didn’t get married after that. But they didn’t say how long you are willing to wait: thumbsdown: How would you comment on this?
I don't think there is a deadline for "proposing" or going to the registry office
Psychologists say that a year is the most optimal period to get to know each other and draw informed conclusions about the future prospects of your relationship. Men who propose marriage a year later are usually very stable, solid, with an “inner core” and “correct” views on the family and a woman’s place in this very family. As a rule, you can trust such a man with your future and even give birth to children.
Of course, by proposal we still mean marriage. And not a proposal and marriage in 3-5 years...
I had a client, a man proposed to her five times, they lived for 10 years together, he never married her: (There are different situations, of course. But you still need to answer for yourself: how long am I willing to wait? It makes sense to think above this:)
What if I'm just wasting my time,
Maybe... How much are you willing to spend? (excuse me for being boring: rolleyes:) Or are you okay with asking yourself this question sometimes?
I don’t know... I’m sad... It’s hard not to take into account my negativity :)
But the phrase was never rephrased, Oksana: thumbsdown: Remember what needed to be rephrased? Or remind? (sorry for being boring: rolleyes:)
Yes, I want him to be happy, to feel cozy and comfortable, so that he can enjoy life. Up to the very condition that if he needs another person for this, and I’m not me... I’m not the owner and I don’t care. But anything can happen. He needs comfort, coziness, tranquility. I know that he loves privacy - and I respect his right to it. I know that he wants me, for example, to spend more time at home, so that I try less to go somewhere, including) It really annoys him that I sometimes want to walk or go somewhere) If he doesn’t want to go to another city or go somewhere, then I stay next to him at home.
Everything in this phrase is inspiring and if you feel that way, then that’s great. At the same time, there is an insert that hurts my ears personally.
Right down to the very condition that if he needs another person for this, and I’m not me...
Why is she here, Oksana?
Do you think it is possible to make a person happy?
When I was studying to become a psychologist, I really wanted to help people become happier, I wanted to help them live consciously. In general, I was very inspired by my future auxiliary profession. During the learning process, it became clear that without a request it is stupid to improve “people’s quality of life.” The faculty even came up with a phrase for me: “Sabina went to do good to people.” With such zeal, I wanted to work as a psychologist. Therefore, the state of happiness is within us, and if we learn to be happy, learn to “generate” it, then life will become easier. I’m not saying that you need to be chronically happy, you can be sad and cry... Everything in moderation and according to the call of your soul, understanding what you want at this moment in your life. Here, Oksana, we are talking about happiness for you :)
It's hard not to take into account your negativity :)
If you like it, then of course, wear and cherish it. You need it, the question is: why? Think, Oksana, on this topic.
Ksenia3103
Do you think it is possible to make a person happy?
At this moment, I would like to take a couple of days off and go on a short-term trip (on a weekend tour), and lately I have a strange desire to go alone. This inspires me.
Ksenia3103
I still can't come to terms with just one thing. I'm trying to learn something, develop, BUT! For example, I signed up for English courses, boasted to my guy, I thought he would support me, but he said, “Why do you need this?”... This is a waste of money in his understanding... He also treats my travels the same way, saying that they are a waste of money. ... How can I explain that I need this to feel the fullness of life? Otherwise I honestly feel guilty before him... That I spend money on something that he doesn’t approve of
At this moment, I would like to take a couple of days off and go on a short-term trip (on a weekend tour), and lately I have a strange desire to go alone. This inspires me.
If there is a desire, it must be realized, Oksana :) I sincerely support it. And alone it is very useful and informative:thumbsup:
I still can't come to terms with just one thing. I'm trying to learn something, develop, BUT! For example, I signed up for English courses, boasted to my guy, I thought he would support me, but he said, “Why do you need this?”... This is a waste of money in his understanding... He also treats my travels the same way, saying that they are a waste of money. ... How can I explain that I need this to feel the fullness of life? Otherwise I honestly feel guilty before him... That I spend money on something that he doesn’t approve of
But we can talk about this in more detail, because it is important in a relationship. Let's talk a little about guilt, Oksana. What have you read about it? Have you tried it? How do you overcome?
And about how to explain? How do you usually do this?
I'm having trouble rephrasing:thumbsdown:
It seemed to me that time was endless
It seemed... I hope you don’t think so anymore? I’m also surprised when they write my 47 on my documents full years... And you know, Oksana, a moment comes when it’s already too late. So I tried to climb Elbrus at 45, I didn’t reach 300 meters. Believe me, it’s too late, the time has come when it becomes clear that you won’t do this.
For me, a lot is opening up only now. I understand, for example, that at any age it is not too late to learn something, you want to see the world and, most importantly, have a child.
In principle, all of the above can be done throughout your life, except for the child. What is the optimal age to have children? According to doctors, this period for a woman begins at 18-20 years old. The regulation of the reproductive system is completely completed, the optimal amount of hormones is produced, and the elasticity of the ligaments and joints allows you to hold the growing uterus during pregnancy and produce a baby. naturally. Until approximately 25-27 years of age, a young organism, at the peak of its capabilities, is maximally ready for reproduction. Our female age is short-lived. Men take longer, up to 35. Of course, they give birth at 30, 35, 40, etc. But the child will get less and less health...
This is also something to think about.
I don’t know how unusual my problem is, but it worries me greatly... My parents did not instill in me any special religious views, I have always been free-thinking and not constrained in my actions. As a result, I feel spiritually empty, useless and lose the meaning of life. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m about to make a mistake, that I’m sliding along the edge of a cliff and that I’m about to fall down.
I've read a lot about submission on this site, about being grateful for what you have. There is a person who loves me and whom I do not love. I don’t want to marry him, although he did a lot for me, he wanted to get married. But I understand that this is not my man, that I will not be happy with him. He does not have the willpower, the masculine qualities that make a woman feel, as one article on your website put it, “her husband’s shadow.” He is scandalous and hysterical, and lately he has been irritating me terribly. We communicate mainly via Skype, we haven’t seen each other for a long time, and I don’t have the slightest desire to do so.
Moreover, I have quite strong feelings for another man who has all the qualities I love: brutality, determination, responsibility. Unfortunately, he does not see me as a future wife and he already has a family, albeit a civil marriage. Another woman with whom he is comfortable.
Am I considered promiscuous and ungrateful from a religious point of view? And what should I do in this situation: marry someone I don’t love, be submissive and grateful; try to become closer to someone you have feelings for; or look for another person, set off on a free voyage?
My parents will accept any decision I make, they only want me to be happy. With respect and hope for support...
From a religious point of view:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: « If people come to you for marriage, whose religiosity and character you are satisfied with, then marry them, but if you do not do this, then temptation will appear on earth, and immorality will become widespread» (“al-Mustadrak ala-s-sahikhayn”, No. 2695).
إذا أتاكم من ترضون خلقه و دينه فانكحوه ألا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض و فساد عريض
If you pay attention to the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), you will notice that he (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) does not say “worth it” or “it would be good,” but says: “ issue". That is why theologians say that when an observant Muslim with a good disposition comes to marry you, istikhara should not be done. If the one who is wooing you does not have these traits, you should not marry him if he falls under the criteria mentioned in the hadith, you should give a positive answer, despite the absence in him of some masculine traits that you sympathize with in men.
It is useless to think about someone who does not see you as his wife, forget him and live your life, believe me, he is not the only man who has the traits you mentioned. As an option, you can contact a family creation center, for example Al-Arus, and also take the help of relatives, friends and acquaintances; there is nothing wrong with that.
From a psychological point of view:
In fact, no one except you yourself will determine what to do next. This is your life, your decisions and, accordingly, your destiny. However, all this does not at all exclude the possibility that this or that information can help you make a specific decision and thereby determine your future fate. The most important thing in this whole situation is to reflect it objectively, to understand the inner essence of what worries you.
It is quite possible that none of the young people you described will form your party. It is very likely that you yourself will refuse both prospects. The only question is what makes you (pardon the metaphor) keep the first guy “on a short leash.” It probably won’t be entirely fair to him to support his illusion that you will marry him. It’s unlikely that you yourself would be delighted to learn that a certain young man is keeping you just in case, in case he breaks up with other girls. This guy lives by the illusion that you feed in him, giving him reason to hope for reciprocity. Think about him and his feelings. Although you report that you adhere to “free” views, this does not rule out the fact that it is worth adopting the general principle of human coexistence - “treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself.” This is not only one of the important provisions of Islam, it is an expression of universal human values, the basis for building good relationships with others, and through this, achieving one’s own well-being.
If you are not going to marry him, then let him go, let him start building his own life, he has the right to do so. I can admit that the basis of your entire problem, and others too, is low self-esteem, a weak sense of self-worth and a somewhat passive life position. This is often observed in cases where parents, protecting their child in every possible way, solve his problems for him, thereby paralyzing his desire to decide his own destiny.
You will achieve much more if you pay attention to the development of your own personality. It is very important for you to understand yourself well.
To some extent, you see a way out and are even thinking about going free. Before sailing, I would advise you to strengthen the sails, correctly determine the course and arm yourself with a compass.
Muhammad-Amin - Haji Magomedrasulov
Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center social assistance family and children