How to get rid of the love addiction that replaced love.
“As usual we woke up in the morning, had breakfast, there was not much to talk about, so we watched the news. Then she took him to work, he kissed him before going out. In the evening I found out that he had another girlfriend for 2 months already.
“We parted more than six months ago. Not so long ago I finally came to my senses, a new man appeared, but nothing serious. Yesterday, the former wrote and offered to see and talk. It feels like I've been thrown back into my past life again. I don’t know what he needs and what is the point in this meeting, I don’t want to contact him again, although I missed him, of course, terribly ”.
“I don't know how it happened that I got involved in a relationship with a married man. But now I can't imagine my life without him. I knew about my wife initially, but it was fun and good for us, I did not think that it would develop into something serious. Now I can't get away from him, and I have no more strength to share with my wife. "
And thousands of similar stories can be recalled by any practicing psychologist or psychotherapist.
Their whole essence boils down to the fact that people are looking for relief, they are afraid to plunge into the old routine again, delve into themselves in search of an answer to the question of how to get rid of love addiction, if the relationship has come to an end, is it worth returning to ex-partners and forgiving betrayal or with in time the feelings will subside and everything will work out.
Parting is always an emotionally exhausting process that takes away strength and faith in a bright future. But time passes, you cool down and agree to forgive everything, if only the person returns and you are happy again. The question is, will you?
Such love dependence on a person arises not from great love, but from large, voluntarily grown cockroaches in the head. Therefore, so often people cannot give a clear answer what feelings they are driven by, if we discard the word "love" - \u200b\u200bfear of being alone, attachment, outright manipulation, inability to live independently, jealousy.
Why do we all know about addiction?
A person struggles with addiction to food, bad habits, pills, games, but rarely admits that he is addicted to a relationship with another person. There is a universal excuse: "I just love." Although addiction in relationships is formed according to the same laws, it also subjugates a person, depriving self-control and filling thoughts.
It is analogous to drug or nicotine, gambling or chemical addiction: you lose your freedom, all interests are locked on one thing - the object of addiction. It is not so much the partner that becomes important as the relationship with him. A person dependent on "love" experiences an acute deficit of attention, moral support, self-esteem, self-worth, loses the sense of life, regardless of:
“I can't evaluate my merits until I get approval from my partner”,
"After a quarrel with her, I can neither sleep nor eat - everything has no sense."
The emergence of addiction on the foundation of "love"
Any addiction is based on three pillars:
- you are emotionally difficult, you are physically unwell;
- you are looking for ways to alleviate your condition, but nothing helps except to continue interacting with the dependency object;
- all your interests converge on one point - on the object of addiction.
If in relation to, for example, alcohol dependence, everything is clear:
- hangover, poor health;
- desire to drink again (or drink more);
- neglecting work, family and friends for the sake of alcohol,
then it is more difficult to discern love dependence in a relationship. We love! And to admit even in front of ourselves that love is no longer there is beyond our strength. We choose to endure, cry, be offended, swear, blindly believing that this will pass, and peace will come. And the world is coming.
But when you enter the “all is well” state, are you able to tell yourself that you are in a sober mind, that your thoughts are fresh and the absence of pain is not temporary?
Then a new round of addictive relationships is coming - a depressed mood, despair, a sense of hopelessness, psycho-emotional breakdowns. You believe that the reason for this is any external factors that interfere with enjoying happiness, but you do not see that it is the object of your desires that is the main reason for what is happening. This works with any form of addiction.
How to finally determine that you have become a hostage of a relationship
It is possible that behind love (which is firmly entrenched in your head) is the inability to open your thoughts to your partner, personal feelings have to be suppressed so as not to provoke another conflict, from time to time you are exposed to anxiety that arises if something goes wrong like usually.
Analyze your condition as you smooth out conflicts.
Yes, you stay in touch and avoid conflict. But what's going on inside? Are you happy, breathe out calmly, if "everything worked out," blame yourself for weakness, feel resentment? In a dependent relationship, a person does not get relief even after avoiding an argument. His goal is to "hush up the situation" so as not to make things worse.
How much does your mood depend on your partner's mood and behavior?
This is clearly seen in a situation where one of the partners begins to behave uncomfortable for the other, posing a threat to the state of "all is well". For example, you express dissatisfaction (little attention, you come late, you don’t help), then the partner enters into a dominant position, demonstrates superiority using “punishment” techniques: accusation in response, raising your voice, belittling, shaming, open anger - up to the threat of a break ... After that, you "roll back" the situation back, refuse accusations, apologize, admit your intemperance and return to the original model of behavior (where you feel just as bad), so as not to spoil the existing relationship and not lose a partner.
The phrase "If you love - let go" is not about you.
It is never applicable, in any way, in any way. Everyone's freedom is extremely limited, relations are built according to the "good-bad-attempt to keep" scheme. A dependent relationship is based solely on the fear of losing a partner and the desire to stay with him at any cost. With the threat of a breakup, the departure of a partner, a dependent person ceases to be interested in everything that does not concern their couple, up to their own state.
Who is right?
The addicted person is confident in his own rightness and that the culprit of his bad condition is the partner who behaves incorrectly. He does not admit the thought that the very nature of his anxiety is abnormal, he believes that if his partner changes, the relationship will improve. These thoughts accumulate and pour out on the partner in a series of quarrels and truces under the threat of parting. However, as soon as peace comes, he again plunges into discontent, worries and accusations of what is happening with his partner.
An addicted person cannot solve his problems without connecting them with the object of addiction. Even if everything is perfect in all areas of life (work, friends, health, self-realization), but at home you are immersed in an atmosphere of constant accusations and resentments, everything else loses its significance until you establish family relationships.
There are problems in communicating with other people, shyness, vulnerability, the need for constant support and approval. This is a sign of any addiction: the function that alcohol performs in alcohol addiction (without it it is difficult to interact with people) has a partner in a dependent relationship. And until you get "doping" in his face, it is not possible to improve his condition.
You start calling and writing, tracking down and looking for "evidence", deceiving, accusing and intimidating, trying to bring into conversation and get any emotions. You completely lose control over your behavior, directing all your efforts towards one person. But do you still believe that this is love, not addiction?
While you're inside
A healthy relationship occurs when two separate people, while maintaining personal freedom and individuality, find common ground.
It is natural and even necessary to adapt to each other, to the lifestyle, tastes and habits of the partner, as long as everyone has their own personal space, preferences, interests and opportunities to realize themselves outside the couple, while none of the partners sacrifices anything.
If you are not “dissolved” in your partner, then you have every chance to align the relationship to a healthy level. And the main task is to direct efforts not to points of contact with another person, but inside oneself, to education of character and the formation of personal space.
In dependent relationships, the personal space of partners is noticeably narrowed in favor of the "common". At first everything seems perfect: you live in perfect harmony, completely absorbed in common interests, spend time together, giving up that part of yourself that makes you you, "for the sake of relationships." But over time and a gradual increase in problems, a strong dependence of emotional states, anxieties and joys on the situation within the relationship appears.
The danger in this situation is that once you become addicted and start “destroying yourself,” you draw moral strength exclusively from your partner. In moments when "everything is fine", you feel a state of complete happiness, the joy of dissolving in something greater, an all-encompassing love. From this, after another quarrel (or even a breakup), you strive to experience exactly these feelings again, not taking into account the circumstances, other opinions, not taking into account the real state of affairs. Your goal is to experience happiness again, which you believe is impossible without this person.
If we reduce everything to theory, then there are only 2 ways out of the dependent relationship:
You gradually begin to "build up yourself", purposefully work on the psychological restoration of your "I": you do what you gave up, expand your circle of friends, develop professional skills. Thus, you restore the balance between relationships and personal space. Yes, you may not be able to keep the couple, because the partner will not accept your behavior, which is different from the usual, but you will get a chance to get out of the addicted relationship.
You continue to torment and persuade yourself, proving that everything that happens is temporary and will soon change, you try to change your partner, blaming him for your problems ( "You don't change", "You don't want to understand me"). From time to time you make peace, at these moments you even laugh at quarrels ( “I wonder when we’ll quarrel next time”, “Yes, all our relationships are opposition”), and continue to deliberately cherish and cherish the existing model of relationships. As a result, anxiety intensifies, it becomes more difficult for you to experience each new quarrel, to cope with psychological discomfort. Relationships collapse, end, but you are looking for new connections only with a similar scenario, needing to be complemented by another person - with the same problems, identical people and even the same events.
If you understand that the end has come, do not torment yourself with hopes.
How to live if you broke up?
How to get rid of love addiction
You are going through a difficult period in life, you are sure that you will never find such happiness again, that this particular person is your destiny, and you have lost him ... All your thoughts are directed to your former partner, you are looking for reasons for parting, justification, blame yourself for everything, make promises to yourself to change your behavior and attitude towards life, come up with ways to return. You are sure that you are in a dead end, from which there is only one way out - to return to your past relationship. Do not worry, there are exits, and he is not even one.
You need not only to admit a thought, but to clearly realize that you are addicted and your relationship is destructive for both of you. You are driven not by feelings for a person, not by an emotional need to communicate with him, but by an obsession with being where it hurts and difficult for you, because this is habitual. So, how to get rid of love addiction to a person when there is no longer any strength to fight?
Start by understanding yourself, not your partner
Remember the moments of truce, when rare bursts of joy were even less often accompanied by a state of calm. When, even after establishing peace after a quarrel, you could not relax, you were constantly in anxiety, felt injustice, belittling yourself from your partner. After the break, there was no relief, and the painful feelings are now intensified by the absence of someone who at least occasionally brought joy. In the same circumstances there is a person suffering, for example, from alcohol addiction.
Do not rush to look for ways to return, first figure out what is inside you.
Otherwise, upon returning, you will dive into exactly the same swampy swamp, into the same worries and experiences. What if your partner, whom you aspire to, is not at all who you need in life? Wait to deny. Yes, now you have endured experiences and are ready for anything, even for accepting the lowest qualities, just to return everything and alleviate your current state. Similarly, a drug addict needs a dose, a gambling addict needs a game: it helps to get rid of the suffering "now", and this is the task you consider the main one.
Now imagine a person who thinks about himself, looks to the future, wants to build a happy relationship, and does not cling to old ones, enduring pain and stirring up coals, in fear of being left with nothing. Respect?
Then stop thinking that this person is not you. Whether it is worth returning to your former partner, risking old experiences, or is it better to let go - your main doubt at this stage. Are you afraid to make a mistake and let go of the one who could be your destiny? Then do not miss the thought that fate is also preparing teachers, whose task is to present an important lesson, to prepare for the next stage of life.
Take a small human addiction test
Check it out to better understand yourself and your partner. Answer a few questions, tailor them to your relationship. This will make it easier for you to understand whether it is worth looking for ways to return to your ex or it is time to put an end to it and try to get rid of love addiction.
Do you really feel love for your ex, or are you drawn to him by feelings of possessiveness, jealousy, thoughts of the past?
Is love gone? Get off the "dead horse", you won't order your heart. Be tougher on yourself - build your life without him.
You can't come to terms with some of your partner's personality traits?
People rarely change, nothing can be done about it. It will change and you will not accept it.
Have you been betrayed several times already?
And do you continue to believe that this is the last one? Read again: people don't change.
He is womanizer? Drunkard? Cheating all the time? Humiliates?
Do not think, part! If you continue to date such a person, something is wrong with you.
Are you incompatible in bed?
Sex is an important element in relationships. It may be more important or less important, but if you don't fit together, then this is a good reason to think. Problems will come up anyway.
Why do you want to return your ex?
Answer honestly, avoiding the phrase “I love” what drives you. Is there no place for wounded pride or selfishness? Jealousy? Fear of being alone? You still can't build love on such a foundation, even if you return the relationship.
It won't get any more interesting. If you do not have common interests and your views on life differ greatly, what do you think are the chances that everything will change?
You broke up, and there were reasons for that.
Why are you sure that after reconciliation everything will work out? After all the disappointments, unresolved problems and the accumulated load of grievances and claims? Because "now you understand everything"? Don't be fooled.
The race for the truth in the key "who was harder" will only lead to a new portion of quarrels. You want to stay not so much with the person as “in the relationship with the person,” making the relationship the center of attention, and treating the rest as an application. This desire usually manifests itself as follows:
“It's hard for me both with him and without him. I feel that something is wrong, something is going wrong, does not satisfy me and gives me discomfort. I would like to end this relationship, but I cannot resist the inner need to be with him and constantly hope that everything will work out. "
If you still want to improve relationships, eradicate these causes and return your partner, during the exercise, write as honestly as possible why you are worried about each of them, remember your previous relationships, events, grievances associated with other people.
- It is possible that the silence and closeness of your partner, for which you reproached him, hurts you not because he behaves this way, but because you once burned yourself on another person.
- Perhaps the facts justifying your jealousy are strained and exist only in your head, and your partner cannot change the course of your thoughts.
- And your emotionality in quarrels comes from deep psychological problems, and you perceive any word through the prism of previous experiences and grievances.
Having understood yourself, you will save yourself in the future from repeating the same events and from similar quarrels. Try to expand your vision - changes and work on internal problems are not needed to return a partner and with him - all problems. You need them to build your own happy life, whether with an ex or another person. Getting rid of love addiction means taking a step towards emotional freedom in a relationship, without which a happy family is impossible.
Love addiction is when a person is dependent on feelings, another person, and from this I experience suffering, and cannot and does not know how to get out.
Also, many, after another success, try to find their love again. And these two options do not go unnoticed. Many are not satisfied with calm feelings. A person needs suffering and acuteness of sensations. And when chasing these sensations, a person can miss the real feeling.
Who is to blame for this?
We ourselves are to blame.
You need to stop in time and not torment yourself with suffering, it can simply end in psychological disorders. After all, you still cannot revive love without the reciprocity of a partner.
Otherwise, you become dependent on your loved one. Not only women, but also men fall into such dependence, but more often still, women fall.
And women begin to show activity, turning into obsession, fearing to be left without a loved one.
You constantly call, follow the man and this manifestation of feelings further removes the man from you. And this leads to the fact that the man avoids meetings, does not answer calls.
At the same time, the woman begins to feel even greater remoteness and begins to lose control over her behavior and actions. And the woman is lost and cannot find solutions on her own and continues to make even more mistakes.
And if a woman nevertheless seeks the return of a man, in the end result she becomes cold. A woman, having gone through this struggle for a man, begins to understand that he is not at all ideal and is in no way different from many other men. The woman passes the feeling of a man's ideality and begins to cool down.
How to get rid of love addiction?
Breaking free from love addiction can be very difficult. A woman should understand that this is just a "disease" that needs to be got rid of, and necessarily as quickly as possible, before you get stuck in it. You can turn to specialists, only he can tell you how to get rid of your love addiction.
1. You need to feel like a free person.
2. Never drown in drugs and alcohol. This relief is temporary, and if you can forget your loved one at the same time, the addiction to alcohol and drugs turns into an addiction that you cannot get rid of.
3. Try first of all to get rid of all things that resemble a loved one. Don't even leave expensive things. Sorry to throw it away, give it to someone. Everything, photos, letters, gifts, all this will only cause great pain.
4. Try to write your loved one a letter of gratitude for the years lived together. In a letter, you do not need to ask for forgiveness, but simply to thank and say goodbye.
5. Do not try to look for an excuse for meetings and calls. Try not to meet in the company of acquaintances. It is better to refuse them under any pretext.
6. Don't have heartbreaking conversations with your girlfriends. It is unlikely that you will see help from your friends, they can harm you. At least by the fact that all your words are conveyed in a distorted form.
7. The best solution is rest.
8. Engage in improving self-esteem, remember the movie The most charming and attractive. There is no need to communicate with those who always complain about life and are only engaged in criticism.
9. Don't pay attention to other people's opinions. Everyone is very different and you can never please everyone.
10. Do not think about the past, go towards your goals. Everything is already in the past. Try to think more about yourself.
11. Change in appearance is effective, look into your closets and try to change your wardrobe. Do not buy what your (ex) loved one liked, you need to choose what you have dreamed of for a long time.
12. Complete all your free time. Read, study the computer, if you have a hobby, start doing it. Start painting, sign up for the pool, embroider, start learning languages, do yoga, music, dance, and more.
13. It helps a lot when you describe all your feelings in a notebook, so you will see how you change. You can record your feelings on audio or video. You will be surprised at the result.
And everything will pass unnoticed for you. You won't even notice it.
/ Love is not born immediately, only desire immediately arises. Those who cannot distinguish love from desire are doomed to suffering. Those who donate do not love. The one who has not found himself cannot yet love. /
Angel de Cuatier
Love is the gentle warmth of the sun, calm, giving joy, growth, harmony, prosperity and development to both lovers.
Desire, or, professionally speaking, love addiction (dependence) is a blinding flame of fire, greedily devouring everything, hurting, taking away, insatiable and bringing pain.
This draining feeling may be mutual or not mutual, but in any case, addiction resembles a drug, and a person who has fallen into such an addiction resembles a drug addict: he soars on a wave of euphoria, enveloped in an illusory reality, which he himself masterfully creates, based on his own ideas about the person in contact with him.
Then he suddenly falls into an abyss of despair and pain, as soon as his ideal ceases to play along with him and meet his expectations.
He cannot live without his "beloved", like a drug addict without another dose, like a hungry man without bread.
And this dependent state can last for years.
Love addiction (addiction) is a disease that must be treated, bringing nothing but mental pain and chronic stress.
Unfortunately, love addiction is a very common phenomenon, and due to the prevailing social stereotypes, people very often mistake it for “true love”. After all, when they tell you that what happened to you is an ordinary illness, you go to a specialized specialist, but when there is such a dangerous, beautiful and alluring delusion that you have “true love”, then everything immediately becomes different. Because for "true love" you can give your life, and not just self-esteem, the ability to rejoice and enjoy life.
This is facilitated by the beliefs learned from childhood “love is evil, you will love a goat,” “love is suffering,” and the statements of parents and relatives, and the literature on which we all grew up, praising, for the most part, love addiction. Tsvetaeva, Akhmatova, Shakespeare, Lermontov ... Were they happy?
Reasons for love addiction (addiction).
As a rule, people with low self-esteem fall into love addiction, those who lacked parental attention and love in childhood (parents took care of themselves or raised the child very harshly), or, on the contrary, obsessively controlled his every step (the child was too dependent on the parents) ...
The main feature of love addictions is the lack of self-love.
Often they cannot always feel the boundaries of their “I”. Sometimes these people have control problems in which they allow others to control themselves or try to control others.
There may be self-doubt, impulsivity. They are prone to fantasy and some detachment from reality, create ideals for themselves, or try to play the role of an ideal lover in relation to another person. They often have difficulty expressing their true intimate feelings.
Difference between love and addiction.
Often, people are ready to blame the love object and the entire opposite sex for the reasons for their love suffering. And rarely does anyone realize that they themselves are the source of their suffering. People independently fill their lives with suffering or joy, depending on their inner state.
Dependency even at the very beginning of a relationship is expressed in the insatiable desire of another person and those feelings and sensations that, as it seems to the addict, can only be provided by the “beloved”, in the desire to control his every step and “acquire it as property”. A person immersed in love addiction is not interested in anything in life, except for the "beloved"; he cannot think about anything else, cannot talk about anything else (any conversation boils down to what to do with him, how to behave, what to say, where he walks, what he does).
For addicted people, their "love" is suffering and pain.
But love is a positive feeling. Love is an interest in the free development of the object of love. “I love you, but each of us is free (in our opinions, in making decisions). If you feel better without me, I will understand and let you go with wishes of happiness.
Love is joy! It is giving and receiving joy.
The main criterion of Love: we feel good together, and we feel good separately.
The main criterion of dependence: in the first stages - we are good together, but bad without each other, in the later stages - it is bad together and bad apart.
Love carries positive emotions and makes everyone stronger, more successful, more confident, calmer. The lover most of the time feels harmony within himself, stability, security, confidence, warm and tender feelings for his beloved. On the other hand, love addiction carries a lot of negative emotions. And most of the time the addict is overwhelmed with anxiety, anxiety, fears, uncertainty, doubts, jealousy, envy, anger, irritation towards the "loved one."
Positive emotions during addiction are bright, but short-lived. Even in the happiest moments there is some kind of inner tension and doubts (“happiness is only a moment”).
In love, relationships are built on equal terms: I give you love, you give me love; today a lot of me, tomorrow a lot of you, we are equal.
In love addiction, the addict is a subordinate, and his “beloved” dominates him. As a result, the addict strives with all his might to earn love, to please the “beloved”, humiliating himself, he only gives, receiving nothing in return. He is the initiator of joint events, he builds relationships, forgives all insults.
Stages of development of love addiction (dependence).
1. Immediately after several meetings, euphoria occurs, similar to drug intoxication. Literally, “the roof is going,” and from that time on, a person begins to live only with his “beloved”. The signs of the first stage of this "love" are as follows: it is so good with him that wings grow, but without him it is infinitely bad and painful. And there is only one desire in my head: "Give him (her) to me!"
2. Desired does not coincide with reality. Does not reach the "favorite" to the ideal. He (or her) is not enough all the time. As in drug addiction, there is a need to constantly increase the dose, but the dose of "love". What was so happy yesterday is no longer enough today. As a result, even without him (without her) it is bad, and with him (her) it is bad, since he (she) does not correspond to the ideal, expectations are destroyed.
The happiest period at this stage is the anticipation of a meeting (euphoria returns for a short time), however, the addict also gets euphoria in anticipation of the next dose. And the more the dose of "love" you need and desire, the more the object of love does not coincide with the ideal, the stronger during and after the meeting the disappointment leading to suffering and pain. After all, when a drug addict is not given a dose (what I deserve), he / she suffers. This frightens the "loved one", it seems to him that he is being drawn into the "whirlpool" by an unknown force, and he is "saved", avoids the "addict" and thereby increases his suffering.
The “addict” has a need to improve, change the “dearly beloved”, adjust to the “ideal”. At this stage, all negative emotions are manifested: guilt, fear of loss, jealousy, anger, desire for revenge, despair, and disappointment.
3. Often, addictive relationships take on a "smoldering" character, with final "departures" and "happy returns," and can last for years. It is a pity that these years are decorated with only short-term outbursts of euphoria on a huge space of pain, resentment, misunderstanding and loneliness against the background of the depletion of vitality that is observed in these relationships.
The consequences of love addiction.
Someone suffers from love addictions all their lives, spending years on each of them, becoming dependent on one or another person. More often they are women, they continue to ride on these "merry-go-rounds", indulging themselves with illusions about "halves" and groundless hopes for the emergence of "true love". It is women who are prone to love addiction (addiction) who most often ask the question “How to let go of a man?”, “How to get over the separation?”, “How to forget the ex?”.
And someone, having experienced such pain once, is disappointed in "love". As a rule, these are men. If they were once "burned", then they try not to repeat such an experience, but, on the contrary, to "control" the situation. They can unconsciously take revenge on other women: seek love, "tame", and then suddenly abandon or play with their victim, using it. They intuitively feel that if suddenly, in the midst of a romantic relationship, suddenly disappear without explanation, then the woman will become addicted, since she cannot explain his disappearance, and the hope of his return will remain. Then you can reappear, enjoy and disappear again. This behavior gradually becomes habitual and they begin to consciously manipulate women. Men who have many partners or have been in search for a long time have experienced a similar tragedy. And thus, by running away, they are "saved" from possible love dependence.
In this case, the looping of such manipulative relationships deprives a man of the opportunity to experience true intimacy with a woman, to find out through the relationship of himself, to save energy for creativity and self-realization. After all, love addiction depletes his potential, deprives him of vital energy, wasted on unconscious revenge and fear. In addition, the manipulator deprives himself of both trust in the world and faith in himself. Add here the guilt complex, and the constant feeling that all your life you have been playing other people's roles, because “you need to behave in a certain way,” and not the way you want.
But the most unpleasant thing is that, having once experienced such "love", another love that gives harmony, peace, energy and self-realization, people no longer recognize. In a joyful and calm feeling, they lack thrills, tension; and they, like drug addicts, no longer notice other opportunities to realize their vital energy as in such repetitive connections.
What to do?
Unfortunately, love addiction (addiction) is exactly what it is rather difficult to heal yourself.
To begin with, the addicted person is inside the system of relationships, in a state of pain / euphoria, and sometimes it is difficult for him to take a sober view of the situation himself, and an impartial look from the outside is very valuable here.
By “heal” I mean not just getting out of such a relationship with minimal loss and a peaceful existence, until the next similar experience. Most mature people are capable of this if they have enough mental strength and experience.
Here I mean to investigate and change precisely the underlying causes leading to this state. Heal once and for all, without relapse. To become truly free and whole, and not someone's coveted "half". With such a desire, it is still better to go to a specialist. This does not mean that interaction with a psychologist is the only opportunity and that he is guaranteed to "cure" you.
Simply because it is impossible for a person to walk his path, so all the responsibility for following this path will still remain with you.
However, there is an opportunity to use the knowledge of a person who knows this road, and simply voice to him, as a reliable guide, your request (to formulate your desired state where you want to go). As on a long journey into the jungle, the guide knows how to get food and knows how to navigate here. He will be there and teach you what he knows and can do himself.
Of course, you can learn a lot from books and articles, you can give yourself your word that you will find time to painstakingly explore the reasons for your behavior, emotions, thoughts, actions. It's all a matter of your willingness, perseverance, access to inner resources and motivation, as well as how quickly and what you want to achieve.
There are special approaches and practices that help to live this whole complex of feelings, thoughts, habitual ways of responding to the end, to study and say goodbye to it forever. Moreover, after consciously going through love addiction, a person has a chance to learn to love himself unconditionally and build not only harmonious relationships, but also to take the path of maximum personal efficiency and creative potential.
During an addicted relationship, under the influence of sluggish stress, a person loses vital energy. He becomes devastated. And if there is no vitality, then there is no self-realization.
In the case of love addiction (addiction), it is especially important to learn to clearly feel and protect your boundaries, love yourself, trust yourself and the world. Gather the courage to be yourself, and not wear the masks of the ideal. Fill your life with joy, awareness and positive energy.
And then, the newfound strength will allow you to attract truly harmonious people and circumstances into your life.
A person who has successfully and consciously gone through a love addiction will no longer get into a similar situation, not understanding what is happening, he will see it from afar, observe, realize and ... do completely different things. After all, life is too good to waste it in pain and suffering.
List of used literature:
1. Stanton Peel, Archie Brodsky "Love and Addiction" - Moscow: Institute of Humanitarian Research, 2005 - 384 p.
2. Dean K. Delis, K. Phillips. "The paradox of passion: she loves him, but he does not."
3. Shostrom Everett "Man is a Manipulator"
4. Materials of the sites http://azps.ru, http://www.5da.ru
Can't stop thinking about your man? Are you one hundred percent sure that he is your destiny? Constantly yielding to your principles to make him “happier”? This article outlines the true causes of love addiction. By following my advice, you can improve your relationship with your man. I will help you find freedom from these thoughts, and also give you some tips on how to get yourself in an adequate state in a short time.
Release methods
Realizing your own dependence is already the beginning of success. When you yourself realize that you are spending too much time dreaming about your man, and this comes to an unhealthy state, only then can you get rid of this addiction. Below are several options for getting rid of love addiction.
Sublimation
Sublimation was first described by Sigmund Freud. In his theory, the Austrian psychoanalyst stated the following idea: if something bothers you, you need to distract yourself from it by redirecting energy to achieve other goals, for example, creativity. Find yourself a hobby, start writing a book, take up music, drawing. You can't just say “I can't”, it's never too late to learn! It is sublimation that will allow you to relieve emotional stress.
Remember! Don't try to look for nerve calming in alcohol. Even “a little to relax” can make things worse. Do not look for loneliness to indulge in your thoughts in the hopes that you will think it over and the problem will be solved by itself. When you are too interested in a man, it can only scare him away.
Watch this video from relationship expert Hope Mayer. It is very clear about the law of energy balance, namely why it is so important to keep a balance between relationships, work and hobbies. If you learn to really enjoy not only the connection with your partner, but also from everything around you, you yourself will notice how both your world and its psychological component will be transformed.
Substitution method
If you just broke up with a man, you should not close your eyes to all the other boyfriends. Try to switch your attention to another man who is showing you signs of attention, because suddenly he is your significant other?
Keep dating, being interested in new people, and living a fulfilling life. Very soon you will find the very man who will make you the happiest in the world.
There are a lot of men who want to build a serious relationship. The main thing is to know
The main thing is not to forget to draw conclusions from your past relationships, so as not to repeat your own mistakes.
Auto trainings
The fastest way to get rid of this attraction is self-hypnosis. There is one switching technique that will allow you to get rid of unwanted thoughts about your man in literally 5-10 minutes:
- Imagine the object of your thoughts in the space of the room where you are now.
- Ask him to fold his palms in a boat.
- Begin mentally your emotions, experiences, "fold" into his hands. It is necessary to do this until all thoughts about him go away, and only about yourself, work, household chores not related to him remain.
- Try to mentally “distance” this man in space away from you. The subject gets smaller, colors fade, and fine details become more difficult to see.
- Prioritize what you are going to do instead of thinking about this object.
- Ask yourself how dependent you are on thinking about him right now. If the worries are gone, then you did everything right.
Job
For a romantic nature, the best medicine is physical labor. You can go to the gym or head to work that requires a lot of time and attention. It is physical exhaustion in the very first weeks that will help you take off your rose-colored glasses.
Spending a lot of time being focused on something serious, you just won't have any thoughts about your man. All you want is to come home, take a hot shower, and take a break from a busy day at work. You simply will have neither the strength nor the time to dream and fantasize.
The causes of love addiction
Depending on the reason for your love addiction, you can choose the method you need. Below are some of the reasons why it is so difficult to stop thinking about your partner.
Important! The less we love a woman, the more she likes us (from Prince A. Pushkin “Eugene Onegin”). Unfortunately, this principle has always worked flawlessly, if a man is at least a bit sympathetic to a lady. We all adore male attention, and if the beloved does not provide enough of it, the female mind begins to invent more and more unnecessary information. Memories from the past emerge, dreams of the future, and perhaps a lack of attention in the present.
Low self-esteem
Often women hold on to their chosen one with all hands and feet if they consider themselves not attractive enough and unable to find someone better. Such women are characterized by self-doubt, in other words, they do not know their own worth and therefore follow the lead of men who show them signs of attention. They imagine themselves to be an ideal woman, capable of satisfying a man in anything, even if it even contradicts their principles.
You can read about how to raise self-esteem and love yourself in this one.
In this case, the best method for getting rid of love addiction is self-hypnosis. As long as you don't respect yourself, your man will treat you accordingly. Start loving yourself, try to believe that you are the best. You will immediately notice how the attitude of men towards your person will change.
Childhood trauma
If, as a little girl, the parents jokingly scared them that they would give them to scary uncles and aunts to be raised in an orphanage for bad behavior, perhaps such women developed childhood trauma against this background.
In this case, a woman gets used to being a submissive girl who must follow all the “orders” of both her parents and her lover in order to be in demand and needed. These ladies are most afraid of being abandoned, rejected.
You need to make sure that the man himself begins to fulfill your desires. To do this, you again need to start loving and respecting yourself. Set rules for yourself to follow in your relationship. Determine what things you are ready to go for for the sake of your beloved, and what you will need to find a weighty compromise.
Jealousy
Every woman wants her lover to be only her and no one else. Even having lived with their young man for quite a long time, there are often women who practically throw a tantrum in their head after they notice that their chosen one was talking with another woman. Even if there are no obvious reasons for jealousy, they can come up with them, wind up and be offended by them. It is very difficult not to think about the fact that the man you love may be taken away from you.
If it is very difficult for you to just stop doubting the loyalty of your chosen one, then occupy your head with something else. Methods that require complete concentration, namely work and sublimation, are good for you. By focusing on something unrelated to your man, you yourself will not want to let sad thoughts enter your head.
Departure from everyday life
Household chores, work, rare meetings with friends and the Internet. If that’s all you’ve been doing for the past few years, then it’s not surprising that the emergence of a love affair with the stronger sex unsettles you. The emergence of a new relationship is always something light, and often ladies after the first few dates begin to imagine themselves in a wedding dress under the aisle.
Find a hobby. You can start writing a book, drawing, doing any project on the Internet, signing up for a gym, swimming pool. There are a lot of options, you just need desire. Stop being a gray mouse, it's time to paint your world with colorful paints and positive emotions, and then you can be proud of yourself.
New relationship
Meeting a new, interesting and attractive young man is always intriguing. A woman wants to tell everyone about this, to brag about her lover, even when the partners did not really recognize each other.
All you want when a new relationship is born is to see the object of sighing as soon as possible, to spend more and more time with it. This addiction can only be compared with a drug addiction, because all you do is sit and think about a new "dose" of communication with your beloved.
Parting
The loss of a loved one always makes us feel sad. If the parting did not happen on a woman's initiative, then it is very difficult to get rid of the bright memories of how great it was together.
Don't dwell on the past. After all, if you try to return past ties with a man, then it is unlikely that something will change. Anyway, sooner or later, the same problems that haunted you during your relationship will return.
Answers on questions
Why aren't men so dependent on women?
Men are spiritually dependent on women, but in most cases it is easier for them to collect their thoughts and put dreams of perfect relationships aside.
Watch the video from practical psychologist Nadezhda Mayer to understand how to make a man interested in you. The video will talk about how you can drive your man crazy with love. It reveals 3 ways to make your relationship brighter and more emotional.
How do I know if I have a love addiction?
- Friends and entertainment have become less important in your life. You want to spend all your free time with your betrothed.
- It's hard for you to stop thinking about relationships. Call your partner constantly and crave a meeting. You are offended if you refuse.
- You bend under your partner, even if it goes against your principles.
- It does not fit in my head how you used to live without this person, and you don't even want to imagine what you would have done without him. He is the best, there is no other like this in the entire universe.
Why are men so frightened by women who are dependent on them?
If you believe the words of the stronger sex, then an overabundance of attention leads to a restriction of their freedom of action, deprivation of personal space. For women, one of the ways to relax is shopping, while men just need to meet with their friends at least sometimes, go fishing, perhaps to a bar.
If a man wants to spend his free time without your presence, then that's okay. This does not mean that you are not dear to him or that he has stopped loving you.
Why can't both partners be happy in such a relationship?
Men don't need that much attention. When a representative of the stronger sex already understands that he is important to you, it is not necessary for him to constantly bore him with his love. If a woman expects too much from a relationship, bothers her with her romantic impulses, then sooner or later she may receive a rather sharp refusal.
And then the lady decides that the man does not love her, does not appreciate, does not respect. From there, quarrels and scandals begin, which simply get on the nerves of both partners. Neither the female nor the male side will be happy in such a relationship.
What to remember:
- Make it a rule that perfect men don't exist. And perfect relationships don't exist either.
- Don't overdo it with attention to your man. Firstly, there is a chance that you spoil him, and secondly, you can greatly annoy him with your obsession.
- Find a hobby that will help you forget.
- Love should be mutual.
- You can yield to your own rules, but in moderation.
- Stop being jealous of every woman your man talks to. Take it easy.