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Elena Tararina
Hear your parents. How adult children communicate with adult parents
Cover: Fadeya Kolesnik
@ Elena Tararina, 2015
@ "Astamir-V", 2015
@ Igor Nevzglyad
THE MAIN METAPHOR OF MY NEW BOOK: “OUR PARENTS ARE LIGHTHOUSES IN THE SEA”.
We are ships in the dark. But seeing the Lighthouse, using its light, we are able to understand and see what is really happening on the deck of our ship, who is at the helm, what the ship looks like, whether it needs repair, and most importantly, we can determine OUR WAY and go around the reefs ...
Elena Tararna
Elena Tararina
"Everything is fair in life"
Alexey Prosekin and Marina Khmelovskaya
E. Tararina
Gratitude
The most inspiring people in my life are my family: mom, dad, brother, husband, godmother, son and all members of my family. You are the pivot and pivot. I am grateful!
This book is important for me personally also because I myself long time she had far from warm, not trusting and not interesting relations with her parents. I considered myself a disliked child. And I always had a fear: how can I help people as a psychologist, if I myself have not really seen this love. And then everything changed ...
I and my students went to work as a volunteer in an orphanage. And what Michael Roach calls "the seeds sprout" happened. I began to give the children what, as it seemed to me, I had not received in my family - love, care and sincerity. It took me about a year in order to give my time and heart to children, to grow in my soul an UNDERSTANDING of parental love.
With the acquisition of this UNDERSTANDING, my attitude towards me is, and how VALUABLE it is, even if it is not quite what I expected from them. And becoming a mother myself, I realized what my parents had to go through, raising me ... Everything finally fell into place. I am immensely grateful to you, dear mom and dad! I admire you!
The book uses quotes famous people modernity that belong to completely different professions. These quotes were created specifically for this book by the authors. I express my deep gratitude to all colleagues who supported this book, understanding its meaning and the value of the family in our modern society... I believe that the book will REVIVAL many relationships and INSPECT readers to CREATE.
Foreword
How to communicate with your parents when you are over twenty-five?
How to communicate with your children when they are over twenty-five?
Difficult questions! But we will look together and we will definitely find answers to them! And it will help us in our search for THIS book, because it:
♦ about the search for peace of mind;
♦ about such INTERNAL SUPPORTS, allowing yourself and realizing which, you will forever find peace;
♦ This book is about upbringing, about understanding the value of experience, about gratitude to your family.
A book is a kind of semantic constructor, which is created so that each person will assemble his own puzzle and nourish his “inner child”.
This book is based on the questions of people who attended my programs, took part in social surveys on the topic of the difficulties of parent-child relationships and my answers to them.
Perhaps there are books, after reading which, the pain of the past disappears by itself and relief and ease come. This book is not like that. Even after reading it, having lived it with your soul, you still have to take concrete actions, because actions are one of the main components of a relationship. And I am sure that after carefully reading this book, you will have understanding, strength and faith in order to choose the Right actions and Live in peace with yourself and your family.
Finding answers to the difficult questions of the relationship between adult children and adult parents, you will have the OPPORTUNITY to heal "long-suffering wounds" and let go of old grievances. It is important to use it!
The force of the race is one of the most powerful sources of energy for a person, so let's learn to use this energy and direct it for our own good.
It's time to MEET YOUR PARENTS AGAIN ...
E. Tararina.
Chapter 1
Moms
1. Question: “When you live with your mother, when you already have your own family, who is the hostess? Could there be two? "
Answer.
There may be two of them. But then - this is no longer the mistress)). The hostess is the one who makes decisions, sets the rules and bears responsibility, but two people cannot perform these functions at the same time. Several rules from different people do not give the opportunity to "play the game." Coalitions, groupings, gossip are formed.
What is more important for you - to devote years of your life to finding a compromise or to accept the rules of the hostess game (in this case, the hostess is the mother)? Typically, guests adjust to the hosts' charter. We are guests in the families of our parents, no matter how old we are.
The need to live according to someone else's charter is one of the most powerful motivators for many grown-up children in order to separate as soon as possible (including in terms of living) and become independent. If you still live with your parents, then this problem is not vital, then it DOES NOT excite you strongly enough.
2. Question:"I am eighteen years old, and my mother keeps saying:" We stutter ","U we are a hard boss. " How to separate from mother's "we"?
Answer.
Unfortunately, parents also sometimes have codependency with their children. In terms developmental psychology, the concept of "we" in a healthy relationship ends with the completion of breastfeeding (no later than 3 years). After this age, there is already "I am a mother" and "my child." When parents “stick” in children, the formula “I gave him my whole life” is activated on the part of the mother, and “I am a loser” on the part of the child. Both suffer. First what needs to be done is to admit that it is not love for the child. This is self-destructive self-love.
Second. Start trusting each other, give up total control.
Third. Find useful hobbies, they will help nourish yourself in order to get out of codependency to the end. There is a saying - "The plane lands only at a prepared airport" - perhaps your behavior still contains insecurity and lack of independence and your mother, who wants only good, thus shows her love and care.
Your adult child must fill the cones in life himself, get his own life experience, with all the pros and cons, to deal with life meanings and values and become a person in the full sense of the word. It makes no sense to impose your own experience of life, as it may not be suitable and effective for your child. Another parent's mistake is guardianship children when they have already become adults. Thus, these people, regardless of age, remain children forever, thanks to the stupid care of a mother who is not able to release her child into freedom. Usually such parents justify their custody by motherly love. Failure to adapt to adult life does not give such adult children the opportunity to show their life potential in full, both in professional life and in personal relationships. These eternal children are rarely happy, and after the death of their elderly parents, they become completely helpless before life. Another gross mistake of parents is the imposition of thoughts on adult children that they are something to you are obliged for giving birth to them- this is stupidity and delusion. It was your choice, not theirs.
1) Do not interfere in personal life your children (in heart or family affairs, if you are not asked about it and even if asked, it is better not to interfere). When parents from one side and the other pull themselves into a conflict or even an ordinary quarrel, it becomes a real battlefield. The fewer people are involved in the confrontation, the easier it is to resolve the conflict. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is no need to protect your adult child from his (her) other half, keep neutrality in their conflicts, and allow adults to decide for themselves what they want from their relationship.
2) respect personality boundaries their grown children. Remember that control and demonstration of power can provoke resistance from an adult son or daughter and lead to conflict with you, negative emotions, and sometimes a break in relations for months or even years. Treating a thirty-year-old man or woman as a teenager causes a cooling of relationships (even annoying advice, tugging, remarks, etc. can cause irritation and annoyance in an adult, which is your child). Let your adult children see themselves as independent and responsible people, and exercise parenting through moral support, acceptance and love. Unfortunately, with age, many people become more dogmatic and rigid, and criticism of their already grown children becomes even more than in childhood.
3) Do not interfere with the professional life of your adult children. Do not give advice on changing your profession, job or salary unless asked to do so. Often it looks like this: "Why did you choose this profession, it does not suit you"; “They don't pay enough for this job, go away and look for something else”; "Vasya, Petya, etc. have already reached such and such career heights, and you are a dunce and a loser, unable to achieve anything in life." At first glance, your advice may seem very rational, but in fact, your adult child himself is able to make a choice and determine what is right for him and what is not. It is he who realizes himself through professional activity, not you. What suits you may not suit him, and, most importantly, your negative remark or criticism can ruin his mood for a long time and even undermine his self-confidence. Once again, it is better to cheer up your adult son or daughter, they will be grateful to you for this, because you are still an authority for them at heart, and they want your recognition and praise as they once did in childhood.
4) Don't create for an adult child guilt complex starting the game with all sorts of diseases and manipulating it in order to pay more attention and time to you. Do not reproach with the fact that you have devoted all your life to him, and he turned out to be not grateful. The relationship between parents and children should be built on love, trust and emotional warmth, and not on creating complexes. Better to honestly admit that you miss your children and grandchildren. Come up with pleasant gatherings, peculiar family traditions on weekends: a delicious dinner, walks in the park with grandchildren, etc. I remember how in my childhood I played lotto with my parents and grandparents and everyone enjoyed this pastime. The main thing is positive emotions, feelings of joy from the closeness between parents and children. Nothing good and sincere can be built on negative emotions: categorical - "you must or must (on)", reproaches and resentments, all this is a path to nowhere. To be needed, you need to give love to your children at any age, and then it will return to you doubly.
5) One of the main problems for adult children is inability or unwillingness to forgive parents for past childhood grievances or past psychological trauma. It is these grievances that can generate emotional coldness, and even revenge on the part of adult children. This approach traumatizes old people, because often they do not even understand what caused such a negative attitude. I would like to remind such adult children that your parents are not eternal and there is no need to poison their old age with revenge for their childhood. Learning to forgive loved ones is a whole art, so a person becomes a more mature person and gets rid of infantilism. Remember, then when they are gone, epiphany and repentance will come, but it will be too late, and with this heavy burden on your soul you will have to live the rest of your life. It is better to forgive in time, have a heart-to-heart talk, take away the unspoken and live on without the heavy burden of childhood grievances. If you cannot cope with negative emotions on your own, work with a therapist. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and, on the contrary, will reduce your heartlessness and resentment.
6) Show respect to their parents, as well as a feeling of gratitude. After all, when you were little, you were cared for and loved unselfishly. With age, parents themselves become like small children, and sometimes completely defenseless in front of life (due to poor health or even age-related changes in the brain, you cannot live on a meager pension either). The world of a retired elderly person is not as diverse and interesting as in previous years. After all, there is no longer work and communication with a large number of other people, the world narrows down to an apartment or a garden, and every call from a son or daughter is something joyful and meaningful. Do not skimp on attention to your old people, “stay close”, even if you are far away: call, communicate, share your joy, find out about their health, support your parents morally and financially.
7)Don't give up on your parents' desire to be caring. about you or about your children. Grandparents love to tinker with their grandchildren, take them to various events, pamper them with gifts, all this fills their lives with pleasant emotions, and they feel needed. When a person has something to live for, it motivates, adds tone and health. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and negative, depression or resentment, on the contrary, will shorten. An elderly person needs a tone to life and often the only meaning of life is communication with their loved ones and taking care of grandchildren. Do not put your pressing problems ahead of feelings and attention to parents, because when the parents are gone, you will understand that what you did not give to your parents was much more important than all this fuss with work or something else, you will regret, but nothing will change. can no longer. Remember that you are responsible for your elderly parents, and this is just as important as responsibility for your children. Pamper them with your attention, take them to cafes and movies, ride with them to the sea. Later, when they are gone, you will remember these moments with great warmth and love.
8) How to resolve conflicts with older parents.
For example, when grandparents are trying to take over the parenting function for your children, then all these situations can be gently resolved without entering into confrontation. Remember, the best way to tell your parents what you don't like. - this is humor, not a frontal attack and reproaches. Something spoken warmly, with love and humor - is more easily perceived and does not cause reciprocal aggression or resentment. Or you can talk heart to heart over a cup of tea or a glass, but again it is necessary to expose the situation not aggressively or in the form of reproaches, but gently and gently in the form of a request. This applies to almost any conflict situation... It is important to understand that you are not in the ring and you do not need victory at any cost; it is much more important to maintain warm and trusting relations with your old people than to feel like a winner.
10) Take care of your parents and treat them with care.
Old people are offended like children, and it is necessary to treat them condescendingly and to spare their feelings and health.
There is no need to pay attention to their capriciousness or categoricalness, and even more so to enter into a tough conflict, it is possible and necessary to find compromise solutions, and most importantly not to escalate the situation and not accumulate negative. It is categorically impossible to throw over mutual accusations, remembering the past and dragging from the past a whole heap of mutual grievances and disappointments. It is like an avalanche that is gaining mass and speed, it is able to demolish on its way all good things, and relationships, and health. Heart attacks and strokes are often related to the negative experiences of old people precisely after such conflicts. Take care of your parents! As practice proves, people often repeat the life scenario of their parents, and your children can repeat your own scenario. Thus, both positive and negative patterns of behavior are transmitted from generation to generation. As soon as you become more conscious or even more humane (human) in relation to your parents, from that moment in your life there is much more kind and positive, and this makes it possible to live life more happily and harmoniously with people close and dear to you. Family, parents and children are, first of all, family and emotional ties between people. Do not forget that when they grow up, your children will treat you the way you treat your parents now, because they remember your patterns of behavior, and you are an authority and a role model for them.
Tigran Grigoryan, psychologist, conflictologist
3. Question:“When my mother says something to me, I feel double messages in her words. On the one hand, care, on the other, humiliation and devaluation of me. "
Answer.
Double binds is a topic for an entire book. The person says: “I love”, but in intonation, gestures, the message is “get out of my eyes”. It is important to get out of such a relationship, they are doomed to pain. Double messages arise when we cannot admit our negative feelings to ourselves, and we portray love, suppressing discontent, although our whole being radiates irritation. People use double binds to hold each other back. Perhaps, in this way, your mother is trying to keep you. Telling you unpleasant things, whom does your mother really humiliate, devalue and insult? From what her own pain are these feelings? Your task is to get out of the relationship of devaluation and build a completely new relationship of respect. It can take time, it will take patience, you need to cope with emotions and remember every second what you are really striving for. In double letters it is important to TELL the person that his words are perceived by your mind on the one hand, and by the soul on the other. Is not simple task- help another person in your presence to admit their irritation or others negative feelings, but only this total sincerity with a deep sense of respect for a person is able to change the system of interaction in double messages.
Mom is not easy. Use the wisdom to understand that your mom really wants attention and care, and is afraid to let you go, so as not to face loneliness or something, from her point of view, even more dangerous.
The problem of parent-child relationships is complex in the paradigm of soul and mind, verticals and horizontals, high and low. Parents, considering themselves the main guide between the Lord and their child, who are accustomed to being engaged in someone, unwittingly lose the object of their care and concern. Children, in turn, striving for freedom, the ability to cope with problems themselves and design their life, time, subconsciously hurt their parents. No one, never in any way, in my opinion, is able to solve a problem for someone else, and the desire to love, respect and fill each other with harmony, creativity is a rule that will help generations to hear each other. You need to learn to convey to each other in various artistic manifestations everything you want to say, and not hang for hours on the phone, sorting out a relationship that is really worthless.
Lesya Mudrak, writer
4. Question:“I cannot support my mother the way she wants. I feel guilty. What to do?"
Answer.:
First, let's take a look at what wine is. Guilt is a mistake, the culprit is the person who caused an event.
Feelings of guilt (as well as resentment, and many other negative feelings) cannot be imposed, it can only be your inner decision.
There are basic needs - food, care, treatment, and others - that need to be more met. Often, parents begin to reproach their children for not creating the necessary comfort for them out of fear of loneliness. Feelings of guilt are an excellent hook that reliably "hooks" a person. Guilt is a manipulation tool. First, make a list of your real options for caring for your mom. Familiarize her with it. Tell her that this is your limit, that this is all that you can give her at the moment. In doing so, keep love in your heart and respect in your voice. And if even after that mom still has complaints, this should not upset you, since you are not guilty. The main thing is to clearly keep your line and not for a moment let the admission of guilt in your heart. Guilt will rob you of the strength to care for love. And the lack of care out of love - gives rise to a deep feeling of uselessness and lack of demand. This is a very dangerous feeling for no longer young parents ...
5. Question:“My mother tells me that“ let my daughter, like me in due time, suffer, suffer, starve ”. How to understand this? "
Answer.
Parents want their children to appreciate what they have. Parents do not always instill this value in their children in the right way. Children usually react aggressively to such behavior of parents. When inviting the child to “suffer and starve,” the mother is hardly speaking out of love. Rather, her words are out of resentment and irritation. There are parents who believe that fate has treated them very cruelly. They cannot forgive this, and they carry this pain in themselves. Sooner or later, the pain pours out on children. What should children do? First, accept that mom is in great pain.
At one time, no one supported her, and she is angry with the world. You, in general, are not involved in this, it's just an outpouring negative emotions happens in your presence. After all, not everything that happens to people, even in your presence, is connected with you, is it? If the person next to you has a stomach ache, you wouldn't consider yourself the cause, would you? Second, remember that you have the right to make your choice, you don't have to choose "suffering and starvation." You can choose hard work, assertiveness and self-confidence. Can you make that choice? I also highly recommend shifting the focus of what you notice about your mom. Surely there are moments when she talks about you with kindness, support, care, are there her actions that make you feel warm? Remember this more often, because it is so easy for our soul to devalue the good and the normal, to focus on problems ... She is like a three-year-old kid at a construction site - she needs an eye and an eye!
Advice to parents: do not criticize or impose your vision on children. Do not interfere with their privacy. And to support them. I told my eldest daughter: “You can always count on us in difficult life circumstances. We will always take you under our roof and help, if necessary, financially. You mustn't lose your feeling dignity, under no circumstances! " Advice to children: almost the same :) accept parents as they are, they cannot be altered. You can only change your attitude towards them :)), preferably to a positive one. In difficult relationships, always include humor :)) if, of course, you have it. If not, then just be restrained. And more often say that you love them :))) they really need it !!! And that you need them! This is also very important for them. Ask them for advice, but do as you see fit :)))
Margarita Sichkar, public figure, restaurateur
6. Question:"Mom reproaches that she put her whole life on me, and demands that I listen to her and be attached to her."
Answer.
If a mother lives according to the principle “I put my whole life on you”, then the child very often lives with the feeling: “I am a loser,” we have already spoken about this, analyzing the question above.
These two mottos are two sides of the same coin, they are inseparable. If parents reproach their children for ingratitude, then we can say that they never really loved them. Loving and caring in order to raise a servant for old age is a wrong parenting policy. We cannot love our children so that one day they will return this love to us.
Reproach is, in general, not a form of upbringing. Reproach always evokes resistance and a desire to distance yourself. A parent teaches primarily by example. If you, as a parent, can give your child love and still be happy, you will bring up a happy person. If love for a child becomes the meaning of life for you, you doom both yourself and him to sacrifice, resentment, pretense and disappointment. The best way for parents to teach their child to take care is to teach the child to love nature, animals, children, adults from the very childhood, to show by example how to take care of grandparents. Children do not have an innate reflex to love their parents; this skill must and is important to develop and form.
7. Question: “My daughter is not like me, but should be like me. And live the same way. What to do?"
Answer.
Your daughter is not like you, and that's okay. Parents should not turn their children into their photocopies and doubles. Parents are given in order to create conditions for manifestation best qualities child. Children always have more choices than adults, and they should be different from their parents, since they are completely differently arranged, they have a different character, different preferences. By turning a child into a self-copy, we forbid the child to be himself, we comfort our own ego and degrade ourselves.
Every child has the right to be himself. And in order for him to want to be like his parent, he - the parent - needs to work hard on himself. Children want to be part of the best and the happiest. Develop and be happy!
Children who are twenty-five or more continue to be children for us, with their problems, joys and sorrows. It was very important for me to understand that my daughter, who is very much like me, has many of my habits and hobbies, but not me. Eve some important moments in life, I can act completely differently than I would have done.
I very emotionally lived through her crush, her disappointment and betrayal on the part of a loved one. It was at such moments that we were closer than ever. I helped her to understand the meaning of these events, not to be offended by fate and the people through whom this event came into her life. We talked a lot on spiritual topics, I talked about my experience and the experience of people close to me, how they went through crises in their lives. I gave many arguments in favor of the fact that everything should be taken for granted, to be grateful to fate for both sorrow and joy. It seems to me that the correct passage of the "points of love" will largely determine her female happiness, her inner psychological state.
I am learning to accept her choice, to respect it. It is very difficult in communicating with my daughter not to assess her decisions and choices if she is not asked of me. If she asks me for advice, then I do it very delicately (after all, I am not the ultimate truth). Having given advice, I always turn her gaze inward, while reminding her that no one knows better than you what will be right, listen to your heart and do as it tells you. I really want her to learn to trust herself and make decisions with confidence.
Truly, adult children are tasks of increased complexity !!! These are no longer problems of nutrition, study, bad habits, these are questions from the category of "art of living".
Galina Kirmach, candidate psychological sciences Sci., practicing psychologist-teacher
8. Question:“I feel like my mom is living for me. I feel guilty, how do I deal with this? "
Answer.
All mothers, with the birth of a child, unconditionally devote a part of their life to him. The only question is, what is the percentage of this part in the life of a parent?
The older the children are, the fewer parents become in their lives. Many people think so. In fact, this is a misconception. Indeed, the older the children are, the less time they spend in communication with their parents, but more and more time is devoted to them in the shower. First of all, they begin to understand what parental habits they have inherited, to choose what can be left and what needs to be changed.
Secondly, children clearly see what behavior they have adopted, and how this behavior, beliefs and thoughts of parents affect their quality of life. We have been talking to our parents all our lives. This is fine. If mom lives for you, it means that you have not yet shown such character traits, having seen which, mom could “move away” from you. The happy eyes of a realized and carried away by life of an adult child seem to give the mother permission to “move away”.
One of the most important “disenchanting” therapeutic phrases is that it's never too late to have a happy childhood. We can blame our past for our failure all our lives, but we can heal it from anywhere in the present. First Steps to Healing:
1. stop blaming yourself and others;
2. learn to thank yourself and the world (parents, friends, employees).
Our parents have always given us only what they have - if there was more, they could have given more. Each generation has its own level of care - one generation cares about survival, another about development - education, the third - about feelings. Our grandparents did not have the opportunity to take care of our parents' feelings - they had to survive during and after the war. Our parents were not always able to take care of our feelings - it was not in their "base". I accept from you with gratitude the life and power of the race that came through you, but everything that does not correspond to my potential, everything that relates to feelings of guilt, resentment, fear, limitations - I do not accept, I leave it to those to whom it belongs " ... At each stage of growing up, we try to preserve the feeling of WE - closeness, kinship, love, care, but we reserve the right to our own I. The greatest thing a parent can do for his child is to be happy and let him go to his own happiness. An ancient ritual - blessings - can become modern as well. I bless you for your success, abundant life, happiness, health, love. We allow you to move away as far as it is important for you, but we remain your mom and dad forever. I relieve you of responsibility for our relationship with dad, our realization and our life, I relieve you of our guilt and feeling of heaviness from different moments of your growing up. Live and go through life easily. Dad and I are adults. We can handle everything that life has to offer.
Svetlana Roiz, family psychologist
9. Question: “Mom loves me too much. Made me the meaning of her life. All her actions are for me, she misses me all the time. And I cannot be the center of her universe. It makes me angry, annoying, our relationship deteriorates. "
Natalia Kaptsova
Reading time: 13 minutes
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Oh, those parents! First make us walk in Kindergarten and wash your hands before eating, put away toys and tie your shoelaces, then get an education, behave culturally, not communicate with bad guys and put on hats in the cold. Years pass, we have our own babies, and we ... all continue to rebel against the parental "yoke" ... What is the complexity of the relationship between us, adults, and already elderly parents? And how can we understand each other?
The main problems in the relationship between elderly parents and adult children - solutions.
Growing up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and a lack of time, resentment of misunderstanding and the inevitable feeling of guilt. There are many problems between us and our parents, and the older we are with them, the more serious the conflicts between generations. The main problems of older "fathers" and matured children:
- Elderly parents, due to their age, "start" p irritability, moodiness, resentment and categorical judgments. In children, not enough patience nor the strength to respond appropriately to such changes.
- The anxiety level of older parents sometimes rises above the maximum level. And few people think that unreasonable anxiety is associated with diseases of this age.
- Most elderly parents feel lonely and abandoned. Children are the only support and hope. Not to mention that sometimes children become almost the only thread of communication with outside world... Communication with children and grandchildren is the main joy for elderly parents. But our own problems seem to us a sufficient excuse to "forget" to call or "not be able" to come to them.
- Habitual caring for your children is often develops into excessive control ... In turn, matured children do not want to, as in school times, be accountable for their every action. Control is annoying, and irritation over time turns into conflict.
- The world of an elderly person is sometimes narrows down to the size of his apartment: work remains outside the retirement age, nothing depends on the important decisions of the elderly person, and participation in public life is also in the past. Closing in 4 walls with his thoughts and anxieties, an elderly person finds himself alone with his fears. Observation develops into suspiciousness and suspicion. Trust in people dissolves in various phobias, and feelings are spilled out with indignation and reproaches on the only people who can listen - on children.
- Memory problems. It's good if the old people just forget about your birthday. It’s worse when they forget to close doors, taps, gas valves, or even their way home. And, unfortunately, not all children have a desire to understand this age problem and "hedge" their parents.
- Vulnerable psyche. Due to age-related changes in the brain, people in old age are very sensitive to criticism and inadvertently thrown words. Any reproach can cause long-term resentment and even tears. Children, cursing at the "capriciousness" of their parents, do not see the need to hide their dissatisfaction - they take offense in response or quarrel according to the traditional scheme "you are unbearable!" and "Well, what have I done wrong again ?!"
- You have to live separately with your parents. Everyone knows that it is difficult to coexist under one roof with two completely different families. But "love from afar" many children perceive as the need to reduce communication to a minimum. Although separation does not at all imply non-participation in the life of the parents. Even being at a distance, you can “stay close” to your parents, supporting them and taking part in their lives.
- For mom and dad, their child will be a child even at 50 years old. Because parental instinct has no “expiration date”. But grown-up children no longer need the "annoying advice" of old people, their criticism and educational process - "why again without a hat?" it is "interference" with privacy.
- Health is becoming more precarious every year. Once young, but now trapped in the bodies of old people, parents find themselves in a situation where it is difficult to do anything without outside help, when there is no one to "give a glass of water", when it is scary that no one will be near at the time of a heart attack. Young, busy children understand all this, but still do not feel their responsibility for their relatives - “Mom again talked on the phone for an hour and a half about her sores! At least once I would have called to ask - how are things with me personally! " Unfortunately, awareness comes too late for most children.
- Grandmothers and grandchildren. Growing up children believe that grandmothers are meant to babysit their grandchildren. Regardless of how they feel, whether they want to babysit, whether older parents have other plans. The consumer attitude quite often turns into conflict. True, the opposite situation is not uncommon: grandmothers visit their grandchildren almost every day, reproaching the “negligent mother” for the wrong educational approach and “breaking” all the educational schemes built by this “mother”.
- Any newfangled trends are perceived with hostility by conservative elderly parents. They are satisfied with striped wallpaper, old favorite chairs, retro music, a familiar approach to business and a whisk instead of a food processor. It is almost impossible to convince parents - to change furniture, move, throw away "this terrible picture" or buy a dishwasher. Also perceived with hostility and modern image the lives of grown-up children, shameless youth, silly songs and manner of dress.
- More and more often thoughts of death slip through conversations. Children, irritated, refuse to understand that in old age talking about death is not a horror story to scare children, and not "playing" on their feelings in order to "bargain" for themselves more attention (although this happens), but a natural phenomenon. A person begins to relate to death the more calmly, the higher the age bracket. And the desire to foresee in advance the problems of children associated with the death of their parents is natural.
- An older person's mood swings are not easy "Capriciousness", but very serious changes in hormonal status and the body as a whole. Do not rush to get angry with your parents - their mood and behavior does not always depend on them. Someday, having taken their place, you yourself will understand this.
The rules for communicating with elderly parents are help, attention, family traditions and cute rituals.
- Think about small family traditions - for example, a weekly Skype session with your parents (if you are hundreds of kilometers apart), lunch with the family every Sunday, a weekly meeting with the whole family for a picnic or a “get-together” in a cafe every other Saturday.
- We get annoyed when in again parents are trying to teach us about life. But it's not about the advice that parents give us, but about the attention. They want to feel needed, and they are afraid of losing their importance. It is not at all difficult to thank mom for the advice and to say that her advice was very helpful. Even if you do it your way later.
- Let your parents be caring. There is no point in constantly proving independence and "adulthood." Let mom and dad scold for the lack of a hat in the cold, pack pies "with you if you get hungry" and criticize for being too frivolous appearance- this is their "job". Be condescending - you will always be a child for your parents.
- Don't try to reform your parents. They love us for who we are. Give them the same - they deserve it.
- Be considerate of your parents ... Do not forget to call them and come to visit. Bring grandchildren and demand from their children that they also call their grandparents. Take an interest in your health and be always ready to help. Regardless of whether you need to bring medicine, help with cleaning windows or fixing a leaky roof.
- Create a parenting activity. For example, buy them a laptop and teach them how to use it. On the Internet, they will find a lot of useful and interesting things for themselves. In addition, modern technological innovations make the brain work, and by retirement you can even find a pleasant "bonus" to find a job on the Internet (freelance), not without the help of children, of course. And most importantly, you will always be in touch. If your dad loves to work with wood, help him set up the workshop and find the necessary materials. And mom can be introduced to one of the types of hand-made art - fortunately, there are a lot of them today.
- Don't exploit your parents - "you are a grandmother, so your task is to sit with your grandchildren." Maybe your parents dream of driving around the Russian heights and photographing landmarks. Or they just feel bad, but they cannot refuse you. Your parents gave you their whole life - they deserve the right to rest. If the situation is the opposite, do not refuse parents to meet with grandchildren. No one will “spoil” your children (they didn’t spoil you), but a little “spoiling the kids” has not hurt anyone yet. Remember yourself, grandparents are always the closest people after your parents. Who will always understand, feed / drink and never betray. For children, their affection and love are extremely important.
- Often, elderly parents flatly refuse to accept material assistance from their children and even help themselves to the best of their ability. Do not sit on your parents' neck and do not consider this behavior natural. Parents always need help. When treating parents as a consumer, think that your children are looking at you. And imagine that after a while you will be in the place of your parents.
- Old people feel lonely. Manage to find time and patience to listen to their problems, advice, stories about the days spent in the garden, and even criticism. Many adult children, losing their parents, then feel guilty for their irritation until the end of their lives - “a hand reaches for the receiver, I want to hear a voice, but there is no one to call”. Choose your words when talking with your parents. Do not upset them with rudeness or accidentally dropped "blunder" - elderly parents are vulnerable and defenseless.
- Make your parents as comfortable as possible in the home. But at the same time, do not try to put them "in a cage" - "I provide them, I buy groceries, I do everything around the house for them, I send them to a sanatorium for the summer, and they are always unhappy with something." This is all great, of course. But people who are not burdened with any work at all, even at a young age, begin to go crazy with boredom. Therefore, relieving parents of the hard work, leave them their pleasant chores. Let them feel their usefulness and need. Let them check the grandchildren's lessons, if they want, and prepare suppers if they want. Let them clean up your room - it is not a disaster if your blouses end up on another shelf and evenly folded. “Mom, what is the best way to cook meat?”, “Dad, we’ve decided to build a bathhouse here - can you help with the project?”, “Mom, thanks for tidying up, otherwise I’m completely worn out”, “Mom, can we buy you new shoes? " etc.
- Do not respond with criticism to criticism or resentment to resentment. This is the road to nowhere. Does mom swear? Approach her, hug, kiss, say affectionate words - the quarrel will dissolve in the air. Daddy is not happy? Smile, hug your dad, tell him that without him you would not have achieved anything in this life. It is impossible to keep getting angry when your child's sincere love flows down on you.
- A little more about coziness and comfort. For the elderly, "locked" in their apartment (house), the environment around them is extremely important. It's not even about the cleanliness and properly working plumbing and equipment. And in comfort. Surround your parents with this coziness. Taking into account their interests, of course. Let the interior be pleasant, let the parents be surrounded by beautiful things, make the furniture comfortable, even if it is a rocking chair that you hate - if only they feel good.
- Be patient with any age-related changes and manifestations. This is a law of nature, no one canceled it. By understanding the roots of the emotionality of older parents, you will be able to bypass all the rough edges in a relationship in the least painful way.
- Do not get carried away with caring around your parents. Be attentive - perhaps too intrusive help hits their feelings of helplessness even more. Parents don't want to get old. And here you are - with a warm new plaid blanket and vouchers to a sanatorium for sick old people. Be interested in what they are missing, and already build on this.
And remember, the happy old age of your old people is in your hands.
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Good afternoon, dear readers! Being a parent is both very enjoyable and difficult. It is not always possible to find an approach to the child, to establish healthy contact with him, especially when the children grow up and leave their father's house for free swimming. Today I want to raise the topic: how to communicate with older children. Parents often make mistakes that greatly interfere with a healthy relationship with their children. Let's take a look at what these errors are and how you can fix the situation.
Being a parent
As children, we don’t think about how difficult it is for our mothers and fathers at times. They try to do everything they can for our happy future, they guide and mentor us. Each mother worries about her child tirelessly, even in a dream, even being around.
But as soon as we become a parent ourselves, something clicks in our heads. There are so many parenting tips, special books, trainings, films around that you get lost and do not understand how to do everything, how not to miss anything, how.
While the baby is very small, the mother does not sleep at night, worries, worries. This state does not leave even when the daughter turns eighteen, twenty-five or thirty-nine. The excitement still lives on in the mother's heart. And this is absolutely normal, the main thing is to learn how to deal with it competently and not interfere with the life of an adult child.
I bring to your attention a wonderful article that will help you learn how to cope with anxiety and worries about your children - "". If you learn to control these emotions, it will become much easier for you to communicate with both young children, teenagers and adults.
Reasons for misunderstanding
Why is it so difficult to build a healthy relationship with an adult son or daughter? In many ways, everything depends on parental perception, desires and behavior. A mother or father cannot fully accept the fact that their baby has already grown up, that he is not small and it is time to finish protecting and educating him. All the same, there is a feeling that it is necessary to help and prompt him.
In addition, when the child leaves the house, there is a feeling that the parents are no longer needed. Feelings of abandonment. Because of this, resentment, anger, irritation come. Forgot, did not call, did not come, and so on.
The mother continues to feel her power even over an adult son. Of course, being small, he was completely dependent on her. I had to ask permission, obey, be punished for a misdemeanor. The feeling of power sometimes remains, only now the child no longer needs such strong patronage. He himself has the right to decide for himself and make a choice.
The feeling that a son or daughter owes something. Should devote a lot of time to parents, should constantly call and come to visit. And because of unjustified hopes and expectations, only unnecessary problems appear and relations deteriorate.
Another reason is personal space. Parents try to give advice, understand the situation, help, but this is no longer needed. An adult daughter herself can cope with the issue of work or relationship with her spouse. But the mother still continues her daughter's personal life. This violation of boundaries leads to quarrels.
Sometimes parents start to catch their grown children cheating. It's not uncommon to be honest. Many adults don't tell the whole truth to their mom. Be sure to read the article "". In it you will find a description of the many reasons why children do this to their parents. This does not always come from malicious intent.
Establish communication
How to make communication with children pleasant and useful for both parties? First, you need to understand that the daughter or son is already adults and independent, that they themselves can make decisions, make choices, make mistakes, stumble, but they will certainly cope with everything without your help. And when it is hard for them, they will definitely come to you.
Just be ready to support and give parenting advice. But only when asked to do so.
Secondly, learn not to be offended by the lack of attention from children. Remember, they have their own life, their own family and it is not always possible to find time to communicate with their parents. This is not as scary as it might seem at first glance. Do you devote a lot of time to your parents yourself?
Instead of being offended, talk, calmly explain that you would like to see more often, call up in the evenings or, if possible. Don't swear or blame the child.
Third, take care of your life. Now you really need the ability to switch attention to yourself. Displease your husband, travel, find, take care of your grandchildren, if they have already appeared with you. Give your child freedom. Give this freedom to yourself too.
Now you can finally fully devote time to yourself and only yourself. This is a wonderful period. Enjoy it.
If you can't cope on your own, then seek help from a psychologist. and together we will try to solve exactly your problem. Buy the book by Natalia Manukhina " Parents and adult children". It contains very interesting and useful thoughts that will help you better understand your adult child and yourself.
Why do you most often conflict with your child? How did your relationship with your parents develop as you grew up? What do you expect from children?
I am sure that you will definitely be able to establish contact with children.
Good luck to you!
Hello Tatiana.
Since adults, when communicating with a child, always evaluate how well-educated he is, polite and restrained children have always been considered a reason for pride among their parents. Each child, as best he can, teaches from childhood to be educated and show respect towards adults. It is the attitude towards adults in many cultures of the world that is considered the most important indicator of a person's upbringing. A civilized person is obliged to be educated, and education begins precisely from childhood.
The child should understand what exactly is the difference between adults and their peers. Parents should not only talk about this with their children, but also demonstrate by their own example the difference in behavior with people of different ages. It is difficult for children to understand how to behave with adults in a given situation, therefore, it is necessary to lay the foundations of behavior and communication with elders in their heads so that they do not go beyond acceptable boundaries in different situations.
The basics of communication with elders
- In all situations, the child should behave with restraint with adults. The precautionary position does not allow the child to take initiative in communication. It is okay to answer questions in a polite and discreet manner. However, communicating with the family, relatives and close people there is nothing wrong with the fact that the child will take the initiative and ask "How are you?" from a well-known adult (grandfather, father, uncle, family friend, etc.).
- The appeal to adults should be only "you", but again, the kid may well turn to "you" to close relatives, and there is nothing terrible or shameful in this. "Hello", "bye" - these are phrases for peers and family members, and for outsiders adults - "Hello", "goodbye".
- The child should be the first to greet, regardless of which of the elders is standing in front of him - the father or the unfamiliar counterpart with whom the mother stopped to talk. It is not at all necessary to enter into a dialogue after that, but the greeting should come from the younger one.
- Well-bred children never interrupt adults if there is a lively conversation between them. It doesn't matter if the topic concerns the child himself or the subject of the conversation is far from the baby, whether the baby has a comment, or he just wants to say something from himself. You can speak only after addressing the child, when he is asked a question or the elders want to hear the opinion of the little interlocutor.
In exceptional cases, when the baby needs to say something, he can insert phrases into the adult dialogue: "Sorry, I need to say something," "I am sorry, can I interrupt you," etc. Some parents even develop a certain system of signals if the child needs to say something very urgently. For example, a baby can squeeze his mother's hand, letting her know that he has some urgent business for her.
- In dialogue with adults, children should be extremely restrained, talk without indulging, without grimacing. In conversations with older children, well-bred children use polite words more often than usual.
- Children should never argue with adults, and even more so it is unacceptable to enter into any conflicts. The child must be taught that if he disagrees with something, then it is not necessary to "assent" to everything. It is necessary to listen calmly, let the elder finish the monologue, and after that very correctly express your opinion, albeit the opposite.
- Help for adults will never cease to be relevant. Holding the door for an elderly person, giving up a seat on public transport or on a street bench, shaking hands at a pedestrian crossing is something even the smallest can do.
It is very important to teach the child not only the rules of communication with elders, but also precautions. Remember to teach your children how to behave with strangers that there are not only "good" adults, but also "bad" ones who have evil intentions. Give examples to the children, experiment more often, asking him how he would behave in a given situation. Such work will not go unnoticed, and the child will not only be educated and polite, but also knowledgeable.
Sincerely, Natalia.