The older a person is, the less future he has and the more often he is immersed in memories. He has the impression that it is too late to make plans, think about prospects, hope for something good. And the strength is not the same. The world is narrowing to the limits, and even that is gradually becoming smaller and soon limited to the sofa.
The future is frightening - only sickness and old age are seen in it, the present is incomprehensible and uninteresting, the past is idealized, even if there was not everything as well as it seems now. Food tasted better, people were kinder, women were more modest, and life was more fun.
Children do not think about the past, because they have almost no past, and there is a whole life ahead, filled with exciting events and discoveries! They live not yesterday, but tomorrow, are aimed at the future and think that they can do everything. “When I grow up, become a racer, a president, I will fly into space,” “When I’m big and start earning a lot, I’ll buy you houses in different countries,” they promise.
But not everyone has enough energy, strength and abilities. Expectations are not justified, desires are replaced by disappointment and dissatisfaction with themselves and the world. And then a person plunges into the past, trying to understand where he made a mistake, what he did wrong. And it would be good if it was just an error analysis so as not to step on the same rake a second time. No, self-digging begins, regret and self-criticism like: “I should have listened to myself, not my mother, Ira, Petya” or “Why did I marry Kolya, I needed Yura”. These internal monologues, conversations with oneself are fruitless, they do not change anything. Instead of directing their energy to solving a problem, a person spends time chewing on the same thing.
Infantile people also live in the past. Once upon a time, the decision was made for them by their parents, they also took responsibility, they also determined the path of life. The firm parental hand that guided them through life was gone, and it is no longer clear what to do and where to go. It is better to immerse yourself in the memories of the former carefree life than to take on today's worries and think about the future.
Does not let go of the past and those who feel guilty of a bad deed, done voluntarily or involuntarily. Conscientious people with a vulnerable psyche are especially worried about this. Mentally returning to the past, they replay the situation over and over again, execute themselves, ask for forgiveness. These journeys into the past bring them painful pleasure and become necessary.
People who have gone through a breakup do not want to part with thoughts of the past. , the beloved threw - life is over, there is no future. A person again and again remembers how good they were together, for the hundredth time mentally experiences old feelings. As before, the hormone of happiness begins to be released into the bloodstream, and memories become a drug, a kind of doping, without which life is a boring black and white movie.
We often return to the past because of an unfinished action. “Clever thought comes afterward,” people say. "Why didn't I say that, why didn't I do that?" - we ask ourselves, subconsciously trying to influence the past and change it. We mentally replay an already held conversation or situation several times, editing our behavior and choosing more suitable words.
Why do psychologists advise against delving into the past? The answer is obvious: by living in the past, we are stealing the present from ourselves. Going into memories, we do not notice what is happening around us, and voluntarily give up the emotions that we could experience today.
“The past is gone, it no longer exists. He who lives in the past feeds on illusions, ”they say. According to him, "Looking back is only necessary to learn from past mistakes and benefit from expensive purchased experience."
Life can be compared to playing chess. What is the use of regretting the moves already made and the pieces that have played their role and left the game? Do not forget that someday we will find ourselves in their place.
“Why live in the past when you have a present?” Asks the American writer Nicholas Sparks in his novel Message from a Bottle.
How to learn to live in the moment
1. Looking for motivation
People living in the past are missing and to achieve them. Let's think about: what else would we like to do in this life? Motivation should be very attractive, because most of the goals are not achieved precisely because of insufficient motivation. When we begin to take concrete steps towards an alluring goal, we simply will not have time for useless memories.
But first you need to understand that desire, dream and goal are different concepts. Desires and dreams usually remain just desires and dreams, while the goal presupposes clearly defined actions on the way to it. For this, a goal tree is drawn up.
But, of course, strong motivation must be the driving force - so attractive that it distracts us from thinking about the past.
2. We live here and now
We should make the phrase "Here and now!" The main principle of our life. Those who are especially forgetful can make a poster for themselves and hang it in a prominent place. As soon as thoughts begin to escape into the past, we remind ourselves: "I want to be happy here and now!"
As he wrote, life will turn into a real holiday when there will be nothing but the present in it.
3. We perform rituals that will help to say goodbye to the past
For example:
- We get rid of things that remind of a person who is time to forget;
- When uninvited memories flood, we open the tap with water and imagine how they float away with it. We close the tap - we block the road to memories;
- We describe our emotions related to the past, which do not leave us and do not give rest, on paper, and then we burn it, imagining how they all disappear along with the smoke.
4. End the relationship
We tend to idealize the past. We remember old acquaintances, classmates, classmates, and these memories are touching and sentimental. We mentally conduct conversations with them, as if they have not changed at all over the years, and we wish to meet: we want to say to someone what we once did not say anything about, to prove to someone that he lost a lot by abandoning us, in front of whom to show off what a beautiful swan the gray mouse has become. Our head is occupied with visions from the past.
We are looking for old acquaintances in social networks, we make an appointment or a conversation on Skype - and now we see in front of us an absolutely stranger, very far from our current image. The first joyful minutes are replaced by the understanding that, on the whole, he is not interested in us or he is to us.
“Do not meet with the first love, let it remain so - sharp happiness, or acute pain, or a song that has died away across the river,” wrote the poetess Julia Drunina. - ... Do not reach for the past, it is not worth it - everything will seem different now ... ".
But this meeting was not useless. We ended unfinished relationships, got rid of illusions, sighed with relief, found inner peace and began to appreciate more those who are now with us.
5. Speak out
The past can be let go if not kept within. Let's talk about what torments and does not leave alone, to a close friend or girlfriend. If there is no one around, we will simply speak the painful aloud alone with ourselves - once, second, third. And on the fourth or fifth, we ourselves will not want to return to the past.
6. Visualize
Another way to complete the unfinished action is the situation that bothers us again, only "with a happy ending." Like in a movie, we rewind the imaginary film reel and play the situation in our favor: say what we did not say and do what we did not do.
This method is suitable for people with a developed imagination, who can easily restore the desired picture in their memory, imbued with old emotions and convince themselves of the "correct" option.
7. Start the day with gratitude
The French realist writer Gustave Flaubert said that because of the past, which has grabbed hold of us and does not let go, the present slips away. Let's focus on the present, because otherwise life itself will slip away from us. Let's start the day not with memories, but with thoughts about what will make us happy today, about people who love us and who need our love, and because we have them.
Our memories are mixed. They can give strength for flight, or they can pull a stone to the bottom. Recommendations of our experts will suggest how to turn your past into a faithful ally. Our memories are like a home library. You can stay away from these books for years. And yet they are always at hand.
People who cherish their memories are rarely bored even when alone with themselves. You can always remember something good. These memories are like colorful photographs from a family album: here you are, a five-year-old, running through a flowering meadow, and here you, a high school student, are embarrassed under the gaze of a boy ... Plunging into the past, we re-experience joy or light sadness. Psychologists call such memories resource memories - they are able to emotionally support us in crisis moments of life, give confidence and strength. But not everyone knows how to activate precisely these good memories at the right time. Although this is not difficult at all: you just need to know a few psychological tricks. First, remember the 7 brightest moments in your life when you really felt happy. It doesn't have to be some significant event, the main thing is to remember the feeling itself. Write these memories down and try to figure out what they have in common. Under what circumstances did you feel good? Maybe a feeling of emotional uplift arose around a loved one, or it happened when you were praised at work. For some, the moments of greatest pleasure came during travel, in nature. For others, this happened while playing with the child, communicating with loved ones, friends. Now answer: how often do you find yourself in circumstances that bring so much joy? Do you know how to create these joyful moments yourself, which you will later remember with gratitude?
Unfortunately, very often memories do not help, but harm. They torment, take away the strength necessary for today's circumstances. These haunted memories tend to haunt us after breaking up a relationship that was very meaningful. No matter how we cheer up, partings have their own dynamics: normally, you will remember quite intensively about your past partner for another 2-3 years. But sometimes, even after years, nothing changes in your attitude. You understand that the past has captured you so much that it prevents, as Grebenshchinov sang, "to move on."
Especially women are distinguished by such dependence. Some endlessly look through old photos and home videos, keep things reminiscent of their former lover, and talk about him with their friends every now and then ... If all this applies to you, then most likely you are caught in the network of an emotionally unfinished divorce. Remember what Baron Munchausen's wife used to say? Divorce makes a man free and a woman abandoned. A woman finds herself at the mercy of a widespread myth: it is she who is the keeper of the hearth, the responsibility for "the weather in the house" lies entirely with her, which means that she did not save the family. It can be difficult for us to accept the idea that, when parting with a partner, a person is not guided by particulars, but comes to a global conclusion: he can no longer be together with this person, no matter how hard he tries to change for him. The very image of love is destroyed, and a broken vase, as you know, cannot be glued. Let's not deceive ourselves: overnight, by an effort of will, you will not be able to get rid of difficult memories of an important part of your life. But this is not necessary. Try, thinking about the past, to see it more objectively: not in black and white, but in the entire color palette. And then you can neutralize and tame past experiences without letting them get in the way of seeing other people and building new relationships.
We depend on our own experience, whatever it may be. We put ourselves together like a puzzle of memories and then we ourselves begin to believe in this image. Previous experience tells you what to do in a given situation. But don't you know that feeling of being tired of yourself? Feeling unable to do otherwise? Such experiences most often arise in people of a logical, rational mindset, their actions are often determined not so much by an analysis of a specific situation as by stable ideas about themselves. Of course, it's good if we consider ourselves decent, kind, noble people, and our memories helpfully suggest situations where we were just like that. But what if we underestimate ourselves? If we only see the negative aspects of our personality and our experience? And, most importantly, if we constantly dwell on those situations where we were really not up to par? But in our experience there are a variety of memories, we just habitually look for the same examples with our “inner glance”. You can make friends with your past, make it your ally, who will offer you exactly what you need at the moment. Adjust your angle of view so that you see what you really like about yourself, and memories will be quick to confirm this. Do you love yourself charming, bold, light? But you are what you are: there were many situations when you showed yourself just like that! From the facts of your own biography, you can create a completely different story of your life - not the one you are used to. The main thing is to remember correctly.
How to stop living in the past after divorce? S Do not intentionally hurt yourself. Set aside albums with your shared photos, do not include a disc with "your melody", do not re-read SMS messages from your ex-spouse. Try not to feed the painful memories on purpose, do not let them grow. ■ Set aside a time limit for grief. Tell yourself: after this day I will remember our life together only occasionally. You can fix the result with some kind of symbolic action that will indicate a new period in your life for you, for example, go on a trip. ■ Build your own emotional space. Remember what you were like before meeting your ex-husband, what you were fond of, what you wanted to learn. Think about who you are. What are you? Try to fill the void that emerged after the rupture with something that is dear to you. ■ Become desired. Take care of yourself, be attentive to your appearance, remember what it is like to attract admiring glances and flirt with pleasure. ■ Stay alone for a while. Do not rush to plunge into a new relationship after a breakup. Listen to yourself, think about what you really want. And only then, when you psychologically recover, boldly go towards a new love.
Every day something new and interesting happens in our life, but often many of us do not notice it. It seems to us that we are moving forward, but in fact, we are constantly looking back at events that once occupied an important place in our lives. Of course, it's great when there are good memories, but what if we start living in the past. It is hardly worth comparing the present with the past, because all the same, time cannot be turned back and changed something. The only thing that needs to be taken from the past is conclusions about the mistakes made and the successes that have taken place.
If you spend a lot of time on the past, then you should think about the question: "How to stop living in the past?" Constant reflection on past failures makes it difficult to communicate with loved ones in the present, distracts from work and prevents you from living in the present and experiencing joy in the moment. All people need be able to let go of the past and don't dwell on it... If you exist with thoughts in the past, you will never be able to build a happy future. There are ways to influence yourself and your present and stop living in the past. In this article you will find the most affordable and easy ways that you can implement and thereby help yourself.
First of all decide for yourself what you are missing in the present. Calm life or positive emotions. It is in your hands to make your life more varied, or vice versa, more calm and measured. Gather your friends and have a party, and then introduce a rule to get together every month.
Try it - it frees the mind and body, leads to relaxation. It is important during meditation to think about the present and not return to your past.
Don't regret the past... Try to forgive yourself and others for everything that happened. Forgiveness is the path to liberation. The past was in your life for you to learn and learn a lesson.
There is such an expression: "Here and now" - this should become your slogan in the present and in the future. Here is the place where you live in the present, and now is the time in which you need to live and enjoy every moment of life.
If you have been greatly offended in the past, then you should not withdraw into yourself. There are always people around you who love you and will not betray you. Spend as much time with them as possible, enjoy their attention and love. Force yourself to trust people again, even if it's difficult.
In every situation in life, take responsibility for yourself, be responsible for your words and actions. Of course, you cannot control the actions of other people, but you can change yours. Always participate in all events, and do not become a victim of them. You cannot go back in time, but it is in your power to change the future.
The past is your story and if you experience any feelings of regret or resentment, then this is only your choice. Find your goal or remember what you dreamed about before the events that upset you so much. And then boldly move towards your goal, because when you have something to move towards, you will gradually forget about the past.
5 chose
Life is known to be "a moment between the past and the future". And the moment is beautiful in its own way. But not everyone likes to live in the present. Someone hovers in dreams of a bright future, while someone mentally constantly returns to the past. Living in the past is like walking backwards on the road: the goal is not visible, the path does not give any pleasure, and there is a great chance of falling into a ditch. Let's think about why people still live in the past and whether it is possible to get rid of this habit.
Past
Why does the past pull us in so much? Often - because of the feeling of lost happiness. If the past years were filled with pleasant emotions, interesting events and adventures, it is natural that we want to return to this time - at least mentally.
Another psychological reason for the constant "flashbacks" is the inability to change with age and changing living conditions. For example, for many during their student days, hanging out with friends was the main entertainment. But after graduation, everyone begins to work actively, start families and do not meet so often, and even these rare parties are far from being so violent. And people who are emotionally "stuck" in the student body find it very difficult to come to terms with this. They constantly recall the old days and cannot find themselves in a new adult life. Or another common example: a mother cannot find a common language with a teenage child. And the whole point is that she is trying to reanimate their past relationship: she wants to constantly spend time together and requires the same emotional return that she had in childhood. To prevent this from happening, you need to understand: the child is growing and the relationship inevitably changes. Therefore, it is necessary to grow and change with it.
The present
"Life turns into a real holiday when there is nothing in it but the present", - wrote Pablo Coelho... Indeed, we can be happy only at this particular moment, and not in a forgotten past or an imaginary future.
And if the present seems gray and faded in comparison with the events of the past, you need to paint it. Find new hobbies, try to give yourself positive emotions as often as possible.
Try to get interested in some things that seemed boring to you before: with age, we change, and so do our interests. How the same former student yearning for parties could be carried away by work and career.
Or adjust the world around you to suit your interests. For example, many of my acquaintances, who did not want to say goodbye to student life, continued their education in Europe. And moms trying to turn their teenage son into a toddler may instead have another child.
Future
But for the present to make sense, one must always make plans for the future. From small ones: go to a concert or go on vacation, to global ones: build a house or take a trip around the world. Write down all your desires and dreams on a piece of paper and start realizing them. And it doesn't matter how long this path takes, because the movement towards the goal is no less important than the goal itself.
Do you often mentally return to the past?
Sometimes, dealing with memories can be very difficult. Especially if the events were very painful and traumatic. Anxious thoughts about the suffered resentment or betrayal for a long time delay the wounded psyche in a long-gone time. Getting stuck in the past prevents you from moving forward, it takes a lot of energy and does not allow you to enjoy the joys of the present. How to stop thinking about the past in order to feel the fullness of life?
There is no such mechanism that would remove past memories from memory. But you can change your attitude to a situation that once hurt you a lot. And it is necessary to treat it as a lesson.
Lessons from fate
- In order not to engage in self-flagellation, it is important to realize that the past turned out the way it did. The combination of circumstances, experience, personal qualities, led to those events that left such a strong mark.
- Breaking up with a loved one will teach you to be more careful about new relationships, taking into account previous mistakes.
- Slips help to understand yourself, to see those qualities of character that interfere with life, to draw a conclusion and move on.
- To prevent the burden of the past from pulling back, it is worth comparing yourself with the past and the present, seeing the changes and thanking the situation.
- There are no ideal people, everyone can be wrong.
- Forgive yourself and other participants in the events in order to live on.
- Time cures. If someone has acted unworthily, then sooner or later life will put everything in its place.
Parting psychology
For a woman, parting is one of the most stressful periods in her life.
Girls are so arranged that it is not easy for them to forget a loved one and they sometimes fail to let go of the past for years. But you still have to do it
to build a new one. Psychologists advise be sure to end the relationship correctly. It is often difficult to discuss the situation with the person who caused the pain. But you need to say it so that the unspoken problem does not keep you in suspense.
What happens if the relationship isn't over?
- fails to build new relationships;
- anxiety and uncertainty visit the established acquaintances;
- a former partner appears periodically;
- thoughts return to the painful situation. Depression is growing: sleep, appetite worsens;
- each new partner is perceived with caution.
If we imagine a person in the form of a vessel filled with energy, then each incomplete connection is a hole through which forces flow. They leave with thoughts, scrolling situations, resentment. When unsuccessful relationships accumulate, there is a huge loss of vitality.
Breaking up relations in all categories
To break a connection, you need to break it at all levels.
- Energy. Remember all the good things that happened to this person, thank him and let him go.
- Social. To dissolve the marriage, if it has not already happened.
- Family. Announce to your family that the separation has occurred and you are no longer husband and wife. Cutting off the connection with the past means learning to live in the present.
Not everyone wants to seek help from a psychotherapist. To prevent the problem from getting worse, it is important to try to cope with it yourself.
Examples of parting with a negative past
- Reach agreement with the past. Every person makes mistakes and that doesn't make him bad. You should not judge yourself too harshly, you should not replay the situation over and over again. This will only lead to a mental disorder and will not give a positive result.
- Free yourself from negative emotions. Work out each emotion separately:
resentment, fear, guilt, regret. It is they who keep a person in
past and interfere with the present.
- Forgive yourself and others. When resentment lives in the heart, it closes.
After working through negative emotions, you need to find an opportunity for forgiveness. And, in
first of all, forgive yourself.
- Everything in life is relative and only death cannot be corrected. Perhaps a difficult situation in the past will turn out to be a pleasant turn in fate over time.
- To live in a state of "here and now".
- Find your purpose in life. There is a truth - what you fear happens. Better to focus on your desires, write them down and move in that direction.
- You cannot change the past; you can enjoy the present and influence the future.
- After analyzing the past, benefit from the wrong actions.
- Create your own ritual to free yourself from long-gone events.
- Use visualization to release negativity. With the help of pictures, present a new, interesting and fulfilling life.
